2015 Australian Open: Day 1 of Horrors!

Hey y’all I am Simona Halep and I am as flat as koolaide but welcome to the Aussie Open. I am suppose to be a dark horse pick to win this title but I am confused by all this. I am a white girl from Romania so I don’t get how I can be a dark horse for anything.

So the 2015 Australian Open has officially begun! And boy or gurl or lady depending on who you are, was it an explosive first day, particularly on the women’s side. It was as though a cyclone or something ripped through the draw as the top seeds were being scattered left, right and center. These female underlings were gunning for the top seeds and trying to get that 2^nd round money because it is definitely more than the cheque for the 1^st round. Things were so massive that we do not even have time to chit chat, we have to go right to main story! 

Of the 16 seeded players from the bottom half who took to court to play their 1^st round matches, EIGHT of them lost. That’s right, 8/16, half of them, 50% of them were sent packing; dismissed; bid adieu; arrivederci or as they say in Australia, goodbye! It was amazing and shocking to a certain extent and I have seen a lot of tennis. I mean granted that several of them were not really surprises or upsets in my book. However, the sheer magnitude of the fallout was too epic to go unnoticed.

CYCLONE WARNING FOR THE WOMEN’S DRAW! High winds are ripping through the top seeds

So let’s look at the damage done. The highest seed to fall was Ana Ivanovic (5) aka Ivanovic the Terrible. Now Ana took on Lucie Hradecka (pronounced Herdeskka, I know but it is Czech if I am not mistaken) Anyway, Ana was cruising 6-1 in the 1^st set and I swore she was going to sail through this match. However, we all know how Ivanovic the Terrible be showing up and wrecking Ana’s life and sure enough out came doppelganger. Ana’s ball toss was all over the place for the serve. She was stretching like it was Pilates class out there and Hradecka was enjoying the free points and nice cracks at the silly serves. Hradecka then wrapped up the match 1-6 6-3 6-2! Needless to say that Ana tried to stall things by going up to the chair umpire several times mid-game. She can never lose gracefully #checkyourpressuregurl

Ivanovic the Terrible go away please! Get out of my head!

After Ana was sent home, then came Carebear Kerber (9) who was off kilter from the beginning of the match v Irina-Camelia Begu. Begu was serious about the upset from the very start. She got the early breaks and though Kerber broke back, Begu was undeterred as she took the 1^st set 6-4. Begu got broken early in the 2^nd set and decided smartly I guess to tank the set altogether. She did enough to make Angie work for it and gave away the set at love. However, in the 3^rd set, she unleashed her reserves and Angie was left scrambling at the back of the court. She returned the kindness of the bagel from Angie with a breadstick for the German. Begu bagged the upset win 6-4 0-6 6-1.

Lady Gollum! #icant with that eye liner accentuating already big eyes

Two other big upsets were Lucie Safarova (16) aka Lady Gollum and Carla Suarez-Navarro (17). Safarova can be a dangerous floater but it seemed that she drew another dangerous floater in the form of Yaroslava Shvedova for a 1st round match. Shevedova came out inspired to score the upset on the 1^st day and succeeded as she dismissed the Czech 6-4 2-6 8-6. Carla was just disappointing all around. She did not even put up much of a fight as some Carina Witthoeft took her out 3-6 1-6. To be honest I am not even going to shed any tears for Carla because I will never forget that Aussie Open 2009 when she took out Granny Vee in the 2^nd round.

Kuzi-Rex got extinct once again early in a major

Two veteran players, Svetlana Kuznetsova (27) aka Kuzi-Rex and Sabine Lisicki (28) aka Lose-sicki, got outplayed by two French women, Caroline Garcia and Kristina Mladenovic respectively. Kuzi-Rex was just not in the game at all. She allowed Garcia to take the upperhand in the match from the jump and only broke her in order to save face. Garcia nonetheless got the win 6-4 6-2. Mladenovic had a tougher time against Lose-sicki as she dropped the opening set 4-6. However, after trading breaks early in the 2^nd set, Mladenovic consolidated finally and kept on holding to take the match 4-6 6-4 6-2.

I don’t know if Lose-sickie has any fans left because they just cannot deal with the lack of success.

The final two of the top seeds to get bounced are not really upsets in my book but by virtue of the rankings, they do register as “upsets”. Julia Goerges played a great match from start to finish to take out Belinda Bencic (32) in straight sets 6-2 6-1 and Yanina Wickmayer steadied herself after losing the opening set 4-6 to knock out Anastasia Fattychunkova (23) 4-6 6-3 6-3. And like I said, although we have to call these upsets because of the rankings, it is really not that serious. Bencic and Fattychunkova were not going to do anything anyway.

Martha you cannot lose today. We have lost too many seeds during the day session. Look Stacey (head of the WTA) I don’t lose to scrubs in early round of majors. That’s Serena. Don’t get it twisted!

Well not that we took care of the “big losers” we can talk about the “big winners”. Martha Shriekapova (2) and Simona Halep (3) aka Mrs. Koolaide were both looking rusty as hell in their opening round matches. Neither was in danger of losing the match. However, perhaps if they were playing a more seasoned opponent, things could have been interesting. Nonetheless, they both won their matches in straight sets and through to the 2^nd round. Martha 6-4 6-1 over Petra Martic and Halep 6-3 6-2 over Karin Knapp.

Is it just me or does it look like Genie has lost weight?

Genie Bouchard (7) who has to defend her semifinal points from last year, is one step closer as she took out Anna-Lena Friedsam 6-2 6-4. I am not sure she will get back to the semis but she as hell did not lose in the 1^st round so good of her. Another winner is Ekaterina Makarova (10) [I do not even realize she was ranked so high on the charts]. Anyway Makarova took out An-Sophie (I mean seriously that is her name) Mestach 6-2 6-2. Sara Errani (14) dismantled American Grace Min 6-1 6-0 in less than an hour.

Yes she is wearing EleVen by Venus but she is not crying because this really doesn’t fit her that well. The real issue is that Jarmila Gajdosova is crying because this is the 1st time in 10 straight tournaments that she has won a man! She is crying because she forgot how to be happy after a win!

Yeah gurl, print is not for you! You need solid colours in your life! And congrats on the win!

Other notable winners include 2014 US Open semifinalist Shuai Peng (21) and Pliskova (22) both won in straight sets. Zarina Diyas (31) took out Aga Lite aka Urszula Radwanska in 3 sets. Roberta Vinci beat Bojana Jovanovski in straight sets as Bethanie Mattek-Sands overcame her opponent Ying-Ying Duan in 3 sets. American Christina McFail was near the exit when she had an opportune bout of nausea resulting in a Medical Time Out. Of course she recovered in time to hold serve like a boss against Frenchwoman Stephanie Foretz. McFail got her act together to win the match 12-10 in the final set. Again these ladies resorting to tricks whenever their backs are up against the wall! These trainers should have to give a full report upon each visit to the court and if the illness is not “real and/or possible” the player has to pay a fine. They are getting too ridiculous with these MTOs now.

That was a great read Realz

On the men’s side, things were far more copacetic than it was on the women’s side. In fact, I think there was only 1 major casualty and again if we look at the big picture, it was no real surprise. However, let’s deal with the usual suspects first.

Things are so easy today on court, I even got time to fix my hair .. or at least whatever is left of it

Divadal may try telling the world that he is not a favourite for this Aussie Open title, but like all things coming out of Divadal’s mouth regarding his health and fitness, it is a lie straight from the pit of tennis hell. Divadal (3) came out against Mikhail Youzhny on fire. Youzhny who is no real slouch most of the times, really had no answer against the Spaniard. Divadal was hitting winners from all over the court in the most impossible and improbable positions. The commentators from both ESPN and EuroSport were beside themselves. It was a circle jerk at times how they were fawning over Divadal. They talked about how his shorts were “the shortest ever”, they talked about how they “missed him so much” and even about this look and body. It was too much. Anyway, Divadal is through 6-3 6-2 6-2.

I am back to full force and don’t none of you bitches forget that!

Nice and easy does it for Mr. Federer

Mr. Federer (2) again appears on target to extend his 11-year run to the Aussie Open semifinal or better stage. He took out Yen-Hsun Lu in straight sets 6-4 6-2 7-5. Lochness Murray (6) made a meal of his match against Yuki Bhambri but in the end he won in straight sets 6-3 6-4 7-6(3). Berdshite (7) also made life a bit difficult for himself against Alejandro Falla but he still got the job done in 3 sets, 6-3 7-6(1) 6-3. Grigor Dimitrov (10) aka Martha’s Bulgarian handbag had an easy day at the office when he took out German-Jamaican Dusty Brown 6-2 6-3 6-2. The worst part of the matter was that Dusty Brown thought he was going to factor in this match. He at one point appeared as though he was trying to do something of interest on the court. Thankfully Dimitrov got his clutch together and snapped those foolish desires away.

Dimitrov is looking determined. Meanwhile, Dusty Brown realized that he will be playing on a real court and not one of the practice courts he usually play on for the qualies

Other winners included Kevin Anderson (14) who at 6’8” (2.03m) took on an opponent more than a foot beneath him, Diego Schwartzman who is 5’7” (1.7m). Anderson still had to fight for his life as Schwartzman was digging at his heels. Anderson took the match in 4 sets. David Goffin (20) aka the Hobbit also won in 4 sets over American Mike Russell. Most of the top seeds won their matches in straight sets including Philipp Kohlschreiber (22), Ivo Karlovic (23), Richard Gasquet (24), Leonardo Mayer (26) and Martin Klizan (32). Lukas Rosol (28) who at 6’5” (1.96m) had the rare opponent whose face he had to look up to see, Kenny DeScheppers, 6’8” (2.03m). It was a virtual battle of the giants. However, Rosol eked out the win in 5 sets to advance to the 2^nd round. A possible 3^rd round encounter with Divadal looms in the draw if both players can win their next match.

Berdshite is through to the 2nd round!

There were several matches with winners that should be of some interests to some people. Lukas Lacko, Jurgen Melzer and Viktor Troicki were all winners on Day 1. Melzer came through from qualification showing  some Q3 (final round) heroics on the court. So good of him to come back from the brink of defeat in the qualies  and win a maindraw match to make some 2^nd round money. Troicki who won Sydney this past weekend faced the winner from Auckland, Jiri Vesely. Unfortunately, someone had to go home and it was Vesely in 4 sets. Jeremy Chardy (29) escaped a youthful Borna Coric who seemed to have thought that enthusiasm made up for experience. Coric took the 1^st set but then played the big points poorly for the rest of the match. Chardy thus capitalized on his inexperience to take the match in 4 sets.

Hottie Coric wasted a good opportunity to move through to the 2nd round of a major. He made life very easy for Chardy. Nonetheless, the 18-year is still HOT

Another interesting result is that of Andreas Seppi v Denis Istomin. This first round encounter was their 5^th meeting at a major and in each of the 4 previous matches, they all went the distance. They both won 2 matches a piece. This 5^th match was no different as it again went to a decisive 5^th set. Seppi won it this time around and moved through to the 2^nd round. In other news and more so from the rumour mill, Divadal’s boo, Juan Monaco, Pico, lost to Italian Simone Bollelli. Please note that the rumour is not that Monaco lost but the fact that he is Divadal’s boo.

Mother why am I clapping for the douche Tomic? I thought you said I shouldn’t go after stupid boys

As we are in Australia at the Australian Open, I think it prudent that we note the achievements of the Aussie men because we all know that the Aussie ladies be a mess in Melbourne. Several of the local favourites extended their stay in Melbourne including the hotness that is Sam Groth. So happy he is sticking around some more. Marinko Matosevic and James Duckworth also won and will play in the 2^nd round. Bernard Tomic aka Tampomic was in a bit of trouble against Tobias Kamke of Germany but it seems that Kamke was merely wasting time. He had difficulty holding onto any of the leads that he had and eventually got sweeped aside in 4 sets.

Leave it up to Gulbis to be the 1st “major” seed to get dismissed by a guy not even ranked in the top 100

Now there were two other matches which produced a lot of joy and excitement for the local crowd. Thanasi Kokkinakis and fellow Greek-Aussie Nick Kyrgios aka St. Nicky Kripsy Kringles both won tough 5-set matches. Kokkinakis took out Ernests Gulbis (11). I know Gulbis would not disappoint me by being disappointing in this opening round match. I have no idea why Gulbis lost this match other than to say that it was his entire entire fault. Kokkinaskis took it 5-7 6-0 1-6 7-6(2) 8-6. Krispy Kringles had his own dramatics calling out the trainer to deal with his “back”. He was struggling against Frederico Delbonis (the name sounds familiar but I do not know who he is either). Anyway, Kringles won 7-6(2) 3-6 6-3 6-7 6-3.

I cannot believe this idiot Gulbis let me win this match #dead

Anyway, that is enough about the matches! We look forward to Day 2. I hope it is nowhere near as crazy as this first day. That is to say, I hope the Williams Sisters do not lose. They have signed up for doubles and I have no idea why Granny Vee is adding more work to her schedule considering that she has Sjogren but you know I am not even going to touch this right now. Don’t forget that Slowe Stephens v Vickie is slated! Should be a very interesting match to say the least! Anyway fanz enjoy the posting and DO NOT FORGET TO COMMENT!!

BIG PICTURE MIXED BAG IS BACK

I am so excited that this is back!!

 #TeamHotties

Samuel Groth is worthy of being smothered in dipping sauce and be licked all over. Good of Jarmila for putting him back on the market by divorcing him. Not that that would have mattered. #sidepiecetrending

Grigor’s stock have gone down as of late especially since he’s playing “house” with Martha but he can still get it.

Andreas Seppi isn’t looking at his best but he cannot get any worst! This Italian sausage is a sure bet on #teamcandefinitelygetit

We are not here for Divadal. He is just giving Fake Fire Ferrer more shine!

Tabasco Verdasco has definitely sen better days but he is still able to make the rounds as a resident hottie in these parts

Tim Smyczek. He is get at major qualifications and winning his 1st round match but a mess thereafter. Meanwhile, what he lacks on court, he can definitely make up off court and hopefully in the boudoir

#TeamCutie

I mean you cannot beat this all. So adoroable

#TeamNottie

Definitely not a good look Gulbis

What do you mean I am not cute? I mean you look like you pissed your pants and you’re a grown man

See he could be on #teamhottie

But then he smiles and it is definitely #teamnottie for him

I don’t know how much more I can pound Carla talking about her presentation but she needs some expert help. These Spanish girls are always looking rough

I mean she is no looker and all but I mean she’s definitely doing charity work with this one right here

I am not trying to be mean here but he reminds me of someone

Am I wrong?

MIXED BAG PHOTOS

There is nothing I love more than when Tennis Players meet for an event. Here we have the IMG Agency party and so much goodies here for Realz to get it. 

Gosh look at Pat Rafter. He has let himself go. To think he use to be on my Fantasy Fcuk Team! He’s a nightmare right about now! He has definitely been traded

Look at Heather. I don’t get why she loves to show off her bra tan. Gurl it ain’t cute! And let’s talk about that dress. That’s some avant garde upholstery fabric sewed together with some old pleather jacket and you trying to pass it off as fashion. #Gurlbye

I can’t even with Madison Keys. She can barely hold it together on the tennis court and looking like a fish out of water at this party. The clothes are cute but she is not making them work. Kei looks like a 12-year-old boy in this outfit. He can do better. Meanwhile, I don’t know why the front of the jeans are bunching up like there is extra junk in that compartment. That was not a read, just being realz! #truthdotcom

Say what you want to about Lose-Sicki on the tennis court but Gurlfriend be killing it when it comes to dress up time! She is slaying right now. Martha on the other hand looks like television static. You know back in the days when you can’t get no broadcast signal for your tv, well Martha got her dress made from that. 

I cannot believe Genie did this. I am so mad right now. This looks like she was home getting ready for bed and a bad gurlfriend (cause no way in hell a good friend let this happen) said, gurl let’s go to this party down the block, just put on some shoes and let’s go. So Genie just stuck her nightgown top into this pajama bottom shorts and thought it might be cute. Umm NOO. Guess Again! The gurl on the right, Tomlijanovic, killed it!

I cannot believe this is Petra. IMG got her a style team! I mean WOW! just WOW. You know she’s wearing some heavy duty spanks for them muffin tops. But I can’t even be mad at the kitten heels because everything else is so RIGHT!!Meanwhile, LiNaLi is glowing in her pregnancy. Wait a minute, she is suppose to have the baby in September 2015 (I am sure I read that somewhere) but why she already look like she’s 6 months. You all sure she not just getting fat here and there’s no baby.

Thanks for the Rolex. I guess I don’t need those fake ones anymore that I have at home.

Weather Problem? 

I am confused by all this. See, there is this.

Clearly it is Summer in Melbourne or so I thought …

So why are these people wearing this? That’s a full on winter jacket that woman is wearing. This cannot be tourist mentality at work here. WTH people

It’s just a gay ole time in Melbourne 

Every year these queens come out of the woodworks for Lochness Murray. They are giving him the Sassy Gurl Finger Snap chorus

Then we have the “Genie Army” but what I don’t get is how so many men are ganging up over 1 woman? Straight men are not into knowingly sharing 1 woman.

These guys are fighting over the sweaty clothing of a male player

Now I know you are going to say that they are just being patriotic and all

But then you see this and you have to re-think that entire notion

Meanwhile, this is Divadal after his match. He’s relaxing with his peeps and they are tweeting. However, look at the man on the left besides Divadal. I am sure that’s his penis I am seeing there and he is sans shorts. I don’t think Uncle Toné approves of this message

 

Australian Open 2014: Day 1

Let me in!! Let me in!!

Now that Day 1 is over, I do not think that any of the results came as a HUGE surprise. I mean there were upsets and of course disappointments but all in all, the results mostly reflected what has been trending for a while.

On the ladies, side, the Serenanator (1) wasted little time dispatching her Aussie opponent as she in barely an hour, took the match 6-2 6-1. Ashleigh Barty had some good shots here and there but it was not enough to stop the American.

I know you are ready for your opponents ReRe but I am not ready for this outfit! BURN IT!!!

LiNaLi (4) also looked impressive as she dumped her opponent 6-2 6-0. The 9th seed, Kerber had a lil problem with Jarmila Gajdosova but came through in 3 sets 6-3 0-6 6-2. Ivanovic the Terrible (14) came through comfortably in straight sets as did Sabine Lisicki (15) Monica Niculescu, Tsetvana Pironkova, Moaning Mona Barthel, Yanina Wickmayer and Monica Puig. 18th seed Kristen Flipkens took out British Laura Robson 6-3 6-0. Robson needs to get her life together if she wants to make a decent living on the tour and not be another Anne Keothavong. Meanwhile, Robson’s countrywoman Heather Watson also lost though she made her match a bit more competitive v Daniela Hanthucova (31) 5-7 6-3 3-6.

LiNaLi showing off that sliced backhand

Some interesting results on the ladies side…. Well first off you know I am smarting because Venus Williams set me up again!! I can’t with this woman. She was bossing Ekaterina Makarova (22) around for a set and a half 6-2 4-4 but all of sudden, Venus double faulted 3 times in a row to hand the game and basically the set to Makarova. In the 3rd set, Venus was up 3-0! Then she lost the next 6 of 7 games. I was beside myself. She was playing so well. The groundstrokes were popping and she was moving forward. However, she just decided to hurt my feelings and mess up my entire evening. Makarova moves to the 2nd round having taken out another Williams Sister 2-6 6-4 6-4.

Venus angst!!!

Makarova is making it a habit of taking out Williamses in Australia

There were several other interesting results: Like I said of Petra Kvitova, she is going into fast decline and that showed up in her lost to Luksika Kimkhum (I wish I were making up this name). Kvitova (6) got bounced 2-6 6-1 6-4 to some unknown Thai player. She was not the only top seed to said bye bye to Melbourne, the doubles team of Roberta Vinci (12) and Sara Errani (7) were both dismissed from the singles event. Vinci going down in straights to former semifinalist Jie Zheng and Errani leaving thanks to Julia Goerges.

Wearing pepto bismal pink, playing like diarrhea, game and ranking slipping and dating Stepanek. Yes, Stepanek curse in full effect

I see boobs but I am not sure… this is very feMALE indeed

Of course I was very excited when I saw the draw and it was Kvitova I was playing. She is still dating Stepanek right? So I knew I had more than a shot! I had a winning shot

I should also mention that Stosur avenged her recent lost to Klara Zakopalova by beating her in straight sets 6-3 6-4. Also Granny Goodness Date-Krumm lost to perhaps the youngest girl in the field Belinda Bencic of Switzerland in straight sets.

Thank you very much for coming. Nice warm up

On the men’s side, things were more routine. Ferrer (3) and Djoker Harlequeen (2) wasted no time getting rid of their opponents in straight sets. There is no point in sticking around on court for more time than you need to. Stan Wawrinka (8) got even less time when his opponent reitred in the 2nd set. Fabio Fognini (15) also benefitted from a retirement when Alex Bogomolov went out injured. Bershite (7) also is through in straight sets as well as Richard Gasquet (9), Mikhail Youzhny (14), Jeremy Chardy (29) and Dmitri Tursanov (30).

Oh wait she is not one of the guys…

Jerzy Janowicz (20) perhaps love work because he was out there for 5 sets for no apparent reason but he is through to the 2nd round. Other 5 set winners include Tommy Robredo (17), Kevin Anderson (19) Julian Benneteau and Nikolay Davydenko.

Glittering Gulbis

Munchable Monaco

23rd seed Ernest Gulbis beat Juan Monaco in 4 sets. This is a sad result because they are both such PHYNE specimen but Monaco has not been so well since the break up with a certain top Diva. That Gulbis is even seeded and Monaco is not, shows how much the Argentine is hurting from that dismissal. Marcos Baghdatis, known for his on court heroics, had a major fail in front of this very Cypriot crowd when Uzbekistani Denis Istomin knocked him out in straight sets and did so in fine style. Ivan Dodig (32) knocked out monster server Ivo Karlovic in straight sets also.

Divadal was only fcuking with your head. You know that. Realz loves you not Divadal!

Tomorrow, both bottom halves will be playing and we are set to see Divadal, Mr. Federer, Lochness Monster, Baby Ali, Beetlejuice, Vickie, Fivehead Jungle Witch, Bratzwanska and Shriekapova all on court.

Let us take a break and just watch

Don’t forget to spread the word about REALZTENISFANZ!!!

Venus I do not even know what to say about this head!!! ratchet!!

Robson you look like someone’s runaway bridesmaid. WTF is this dress about??

I need to get me a sip of Andreas Seppi indeed

Oh Patty Rafter… you’re turning into Fatty Rafter these days

Spanish Armada!!… At least part of the fleet

I am best amongst my fellow menz

Did someone fart?? I am smelling shite….Oh Hey Tomic…..

So you gonna come by my room later right. I will leave the door open

Mister, I can see your penis and that’s not okay at this time

They say I was going to get groupies but I didn’t want these old bitches..

US Open 2013: Day 2

Things are well on their way at the Open. Day 2 was favourable weather

This entry is going to be a very very quick one. I am trying to stay on top of everything out here and really trying to discipline myself to be more focus because I lose a lot of time. So on Day 2 nothing of consequence happened per se. The USTA and the weather allowed all scheduled singles matches to be played including all incomplete matches from Day 1. I am not sure about the doubles event but then again, I hardly check on that end of the tournament. Some interesting results on the men’s side: Americans Jock Sock and Donald Young are through to the 2nd round. Young decimated his opponent, dropping just 2 games in the entire match and Sock was holding his own against an ailing Petzschner and got through when the German finally retired down 2-5 in the 3rd set.

Hold the applause please! I have a lot of catching up to do at this year’s open

By the way, while I have your attention, let me just say this. Mr. Federer is ranked 7 in the world. Yes 7 as in the number after 6 and before 8. Whenever I hear the number 7 and Mr. Federer in the same sentence, I think they are talking about 17 major titles, or 7 Wimbledon titles or even winning 7 matches at a major to win the title but never 7 and his ATP ranking. You know my heart almost failed. However, Mr. Federer has had a miserable year thus far. I think he may have won 1 title and his 2nd round loss at Wimbledon after being the defending champion coupled with his dismal performance in Europe thereafter to find his confidence. What he found at Gstaad and Hamburg were beatdowns at the hands of players he ordinarily eat up for a snack. He lost to Divadal in 3 sets in Cincinnati. So if there is ever a time Mr. Federer needs a miracle, it is here in NYC at the Open and you know I would be right here praying along with him.

Will it be the Djoker or Djuggernaut who shows up at this year’s US Open?

Lurch

Beetlejuice is BACK!!!

The usual suspects on the men’s side came and conquered. Mr. Federer of course, Djoker who was looking as polished as ever, Milos Raonic of Canada even Sam Querry  and John Isner got things going their way. Other winners include Tomas Berdych aka Lurch and Tommy “Head and Shoulders” Haas. Gael Monfils aka Beetlejuice is looking fit as fiddle as he breezed through his match 6-1 6-2 6-0. Hopefully he is fully back on the tour; no injuries and no foolish heroics on the court.

Nicolas Almagro yet another wayward on tour since the dawning of Divadal

Undoubtedly there were those who saw it fit to slow the party. Jerzy Janowicz, the 14th seed, who I had high hopes for at these championships was ailing with his back and was dismissed in 3 sets. 28th seed Juan Monaco and 15th seed Nicolas Almagro were also bounced early from these games. Monaco may have been hurt but as for Almagro, this result is simply indicative of the sucky level of play he has been producing for a while now. I do not know what his deal is but he needs to get his life together.

I almost forgot that Mr. Sugapova, Grigor Dimitrov lost in 4 sets to a Portuguese hottie Joao Sousa in 5 sets.

I don’t know if it is too much sugar in his diet but Mr. Sugapova needs to his life together. He also needs to burn his shirt because it is giving me a seizure right now

See Men’s Day 2 results below.

T. Kamke	64	6	79	6
S. Johnson	77	4	67	2
N. Djokovic	6	6	6
R. Berankis	1	2	2
J. Vesely	2	2	78	5
D. Kudla	6	6	66	7
T. Berdych	6	6	6
P. Lorenzi	1	4	1
J. Monaco	4	2	0
F. Mayer	6	6	3
B. Becker	6	3	6	6
L. Rosol	3	6	3	4
D. Young	6	6	6
M. Klizan	1	0	1
N. Almagro	3	1	6	3
D. Istomin	6	6	4	6
T. Haas	6	6	6
P. Mathieu	4	4	1
J. Sock	77	3	5
P. Petzschner	62	6	2
Y. Lu	6	77	6
D. Gimeno-Traver	4	65	3
R. Federer	6	6	7
G. Zemlja	3	2	5
S. Giraldo	3	6	78	4	2
C. Berlocq	6	3	66	6	6
S. Querrey	77	4	6	6
G. Pella	63	6	1	2
R. Dutra Silva	4	3	711	6	712
V. Pospisil	6	6	69	2	610
J. Isner	6	6	6
F. Volandri	0	2	3

On the ladies side, things were also relatively quiet. Of course Petra Kvitova was dropping a set to some no name but she found herself and won in 3 sets. Petra has played 60 matches for the year and literally half of them have been 3 setters. It seems as it is all very true that she and Radek Stepanek are now an item. Petra I am telling you gurl, do not be a stupid itch….Leave that penis alone. It is addling your brains and clearly affecting your game. Soon he will have you barefoot and pregnant.

Oh Petra! Petra! Petra! Gurl get your life together

Vickie just killed her match as she double bagelled her opponent as did Sara Errani. Rumour has it that Errani and her doubles partner Roberta Vinci have a falling out. Leave it to women to always spoil a good partnership over some stupid bullshit. Anyway, there were some interesting match ups on Day 2 including Christina McHale v Julia Georges. The American won in straight sets 6-4 6-3. I think it is time we call off the search party who is looking for Julia to find her way on tour. We can officially call this one a non-factor at this point. Georges simply does not have what it takes to make a big name for herself. She is coming off as mediocre to the nth degree; scarcely worth mentioning these days.

Vickie I do not know who told you this lil number was a good idea but I’m gonna have to correct that let you know, this skirt is an EPIC FAIL. Go back to the pom pom shorts

Anywho, another interesting match was Bojana Jovanovski v Andrea Petkovic. They both share similar ethnic background who different nationalities. Petkovic is trying to find her game again but she will have to look for it elsewhere because it is not going to be found here at this year’s US Open. Bojana was all over her 6-2 6-4 in this match and Andrea just made far too many unforced errors.

Roberta, we spoke about making these faces outside in public. This is not okay! Look what you did to Daniela

OMG, I’m a gonna throw up

Some other winners of the day included Roberta Vinci, her countrywoman Flavia Pennetta, Daniela Hantucova, Ana Ivanovic who looked surprising not terrible in her 1st round match and also Moaning Mona Barthel. There were several upsets including that of the 20th, 17th and the 11th seed; Nadia Petrova, Dominika Cibulkova and Sam Stosur respectively. Nadia we are not really surprised that she lost and in straight sets too, which perhaps might be the only unexpected bit. However, she has been well off the plot for a long long time. Cibulkova, she can be either very hot or very cold. She knows no mid range and obviously she was very cold at this late summer slam. Sam Stosur on the other hand. Well, I do not even know what to say about her. She has great success here at the Open. She beat the Serenanator in 2011 and convincingly too but these days she is off in the outbacks of her mind. However, this summer, I thought she was getting her life together. She beat Vickie in California and for sure, I said, watch out for Sam at the Open. But you know how Sam is. She does everything to defy all expectations of her.

Victoria Duval in action against Sam Stosur

She played the young and upcoming American Victoria Duval who got her @$$ handed to her by Kim Clijsters in her last win at the Open in 2012. However, this year, Duval made sure she was not going to serve as a prop for Sam’s performance. She found Sam on every single point throughout the match and it paid dividends for her. She showed her “immaturity” at many stages of the match but in the end, she showed a level of steely nerves that I hope will carry her through to bigger and better things. She won 5-7 6-4 6-4. The last couple of games in the match were particularly tough but she held on. I can only hope that the US media does not kill this girl with hype.

This will undoubtedly be one of the memorable moments of this year’s championships. Victoria Duval. Now can we all agree to protect her from the crazy US media hype?

Anyway here are most of the ladies results.

2		V. Azarenka	6	6
		D. Pfizenmaier	0	0
21		S. Halep	4	6	6
		H. Watson	6	4	2
27		S. Kuznetsova	6	7
		M. Burdette	3	5
		S. Peng	6	6
		Y. Meusburger	3	4
		T. Pironkova	3	3
		A. Riske	6	6
		A. Wozniak	7	77
		V. Dolonc	5	65
		D. Vekic	77	4	6
		M. Duque-Marino	65	6	2
28		M. Barthel	6	6
		J. Larsson	1	4
11		S. Stosur	7	4	4
		V. Duval	5	6	6
4		S. Errani	6	6
		O. Rogowska	0	0
20		N. Petrova	3	4
		J. Glushko	6	6
		M. Sanchez	5	2
		D. Hantuchova	7	6
		C. Scheepers	2	6	6
		C. Simmonds	6	2	1
17		D. Cibulkova	4	3
		E. Svitolina	6	6
		M. Lucic-Baroni	4	4
		S. Vickery	6	6
26		A. Cornet	6	6
		M. Koehler	3	2

 

This is how you look when you on court and stuffing your face with a double bagel. (Vickie’s 1st round opponent)

See this is how Ivanovic The Terrible and I are always at odds with each other. She should be concentrating on her on court game instead of holding court with these men who have absolutely no interest in tennis and are just thinking about how they can pitch a “group play” session with all 4 of them to her

Can we just for a moment talk about this piece? WTF? is that a panty outline/silhouette on this thing? I mean seriously?

Rory has to shield his eyes from this filth

Maybe this is sleep deprivation at work here but I swear, Monfils is looking more put together….less Beetlejuicish here

Oh yes… Daniel Evans is shirtless… yessssssss

You know he’s thinking about me right here

See we have a problem here. This bushy tail rat got tickets to the US Open and I don’t. WTF??

Wimbledon 2013 Day 6

 

YEAHHHHH I’m going to the 2nd week of Wimbledon

So Day 6 of Wimbledon is always exciting because it determines the last set of players to make it to 2^nd Monday when all 16 4^th round matches are played. It is one of the biggest days in tennis. Typically or I should say for the other 3 majors, the matches are always staggered by halves of the respective draws until the semifinals. Anyway, there were several matches to be finished which were carried over from Day 5. So let us deal with those first. I guess the good thing about no play on the Middle Sunday is that players whose matches were carried over from Friday have at least one day’s rest and should be recharged for Monday’s main event. I kinda feel like I am forgetting to tell you something but I am not entirely sure what it is. Perhaps my brain is all fried at this point. I lack sleep and right now I am so hungry but I do not want to spoil my diet and have a meal at this hour. It is the summer and one cannot hide under the layers of coats and sweaters.

Kvitova is getting her life together. With a smile like this, it is hard to see why I call her GHW

Anywho, let us get to the tennis. On the ladies side, Petra Kvitova got her life together when her match resumed on Saturday. She quickly dealt with Makarova who as we all know can be a dangerous floater. Kvitova is through to the Round of 16 for the 4 straight years at least I think. She always seems to have a good run at Wimbledon despite sucking everywhere else. GHW Kvitova 6-3 2-6 6-3. Now before we go on, I was informed by one of my fanz that there is this very very vicious rumour going around that Kvitova dumped her lil boyfriend and might be cuddling up with Radek Stepanek….I just vomited a lil in my mouth. I mean seriously… I am not substantiating this rumour or anything but WTF?? WTMFF?? Who the hell is this guy? I mean, he is one of the ugliest things on tour….oh okay, perhaps I am not supposed to say that he is ugly as we are all God’s creatures…But good heavens is this guy unpretty? How is it that he is bagging these ladies? Nicole Viadisova, Martina Hingis and now possibly Petra Kvitova? Hold up! Hold up! I mean clearly drugs are involved. Martina Hingis…hello…The thing is, if any of this is true about Petra and Shark Boy, is that Radek is a married man. He is married to Nicole who inexplicably gave up her career to be a housewife. It should be noted that whenever Radek gets with a lady on tour, her tennis suffers tremendously as a result.

Stephens again having a nice run at the majors

Anyway, Sloane Stephens (17) finished off Petra Cetkovska in the 3^rd set 6-4. Stephens who had dropped the 2^nd set 0-6, showed some guts which she only seem to display at majors this year. Anyway, she is through to her 1^st Round of 16 at Wimbledon. Pironkova, another player who seem to come alive at majors, in particular this major, is also through to the Round of 16. She beat Petra Martic 6-1 4-6 6-2. Pironkova is through to her 3^rd Round of 16 at Wimbledon if I am not mistaken. Monica Puig has extended her run of good fortunes at this major as she made it to the 2^nd week. She took out Birnerova 4-6 6-3 6-4. I am really happy for the Puerto Rican. 14^th Sam Stosur looked poised to have a good run at Wimbledon but you know Sam and how anti-success she can be. With a game tailor made for the grass, she always has better luck on the clay than grass. Anyway, she won the 1^st set 6-4 but then lost her way as Sabine Lisicki who seems to love the grass, came back blazing 6-2 6-1. Losicki is in another round of 16 at Wimbledon. Last year, she won over Shriekapova.

Sabine in sweet form at these Championships

Other winners include Laura Robson who has finally given the British crowd something to cheer about on the ladies side. She took out Marina Erakovic of New Zealand who if I am not mistaken, served for the match. However, Robson came back to take the whole thing in 3 sets. Robson 1-6 7-5 6-3. Last year’s finalist Aggie Radwanska (4) has been quietly moving through the draw without much fanfare and this is just the way she likes it. She took on American Madison Keys who I was hoping would have caused the upset but Bratzwanska proved to be too much for the teenager and Radwanska is through to the 4^th round 7-5 4-6 6-3. Kaia Kanepi took out another American teenager Riske in straight sets 6-2 6-3. Meanwhile Roberta Vinci (11) is also through to the Round of 16 as she took out 18^th seed Dominika Cibulkova in straight sets 6-1 6-4. This is a somewhat surprising result because Vinci has not really shown much prowess to do much on grass and Cibulkova is a player with a lot of potential. However, Cibulkova loves pace and Vinci can give you a lot of “junk” and most definitely is not about power play.

Thanks for coming Granny Goodness… Now go bake me up cookies. The tennis court is not place for a lady like you

The two remaining 3^rd round match ups saw the Serenanator and LiNaLi getting through to the 4^th round. The Serenanator took out Granny Goodness Date-Krumm 6-2 6-0. This really was no contest but Granny did well to get to this round. LiNaLi was another story. I would have loved for Klara Zakopalova to get through to the next round but LiNaLi got her life together. Klara (32) took the 1^st set 6-4 but got bagelled in the 2^nd 0-6. In the 3^rd set they played 14 games and Li came out on top 8-6. I think Klara is capable of being a real contender on tour but as always these young ones always seem to lose their way to the top.

All of my greatest threats have been bounced. I am in it to win it

On the men’s side, matters were more or less routine. Djoker (1) dispatched of Chardy (28) in straight sets 6-3 6-2 6-2. Meanwhile, Fiery Ferrer (4) was a bit cold against Dolgopolov (28) but pulled through in 5 sets 6-7 7-6 2-6 6-1 6-2. Dolgopolov would do well to work on his game and his focus his energy on career. He has such potential. A fanz explained to me that Dolgopolov loves the drink and once for certain showed up for a match drunk. The fanz was providing 1^st hand information but rehashed gossip  (as is so frequently published on blogs….of course no such rehashed rubbish is ever posted on this prestigious publication)

Tommy Haas is all excited that he is through to the 4th round of Wimbledon. Unfortunately, he faces Djoker

13^th seed Tommy Haas took out FeFe Lopez in 4 sets 4-6 6-2 7-5 6-4. I expected a bigger fight from Lopez but I guess in the end he had other issues to worry about seeing as his X Divadal is out vacationing and guess who just lost, yep Juan Monaco. Monaco (22) inexplicably lost to Kevin De Schepper from France 4-6 6-7 4-6. I do not know what the hell is going on in Monaco’s life but he has been well off the plot this year.

FeFe Lopez got bounced by the German

His mind is elsewhere

This is what has his mind all over the place

Juan Martin Del Potro (8) won over Greg Zemlja 7-5 7-6 6-0 and 7^th seed Berdshite also won over lengthy Kevin Anderson (27) 3-6 6-3 6-4 7-5. In perhaps the only major upset of the day, Richard Gasquet (9) was bounced from the tournament 6-7 7-5 5-7 6-7 to Bernard Tampomic. This is quite shocking because none of the seeded Frenchmen are around, which means that Benoit Paire (25) lost to Lukas Kubot in straight sets 1-6 3-6 4-6. There was another retirement as Dodig moved through to the 4^th round when his opponent Sijsling retired after being down 0-6 1-6 0-1. Other winners include 5 set king Andreas Seppi (23) who knocked out Nishikori 3-6 6-2 6-7 6-1 6-4. Seppi seems to love playing 5 set matches. Mikhail Youzhny (20) and Fernando Tabasco Verdasco are both through to the 4^th round. They have a lot in common. They have a lot of potential but mainly try to suck at tennis so badly you find it impossible to believe that they were ever in the top 10 at one point in their career. Youzhny took out Troicki in straight sets as did Verdasco when he bounced Ernest Gulbis (talk about another wasted talent).

Had you shown this level of tenacity on court, perhaps you might have done better

Bonehead Benoit. He lost the match and now going to lose his money

There will I hope be a preview issue for the round of 16 match up where I will try to give some sorta insights into the Monday Madness as well as my predictions. Do not get to Follow this blog and also COMMENT!

Yes I won two games. Thank the tennis gods for small miracles

And weave is flowing… This lion definitely needs taming

For you Tiann

Which one of you motherfcukers farted in the royal box? I don’t smell anything

Gurl do me now. Remember not too much red on this side… it does not bring out my eyes

Bernard being a bad bad bad boy

So he’s on his knees and there’s balls out in the open…..all of the elements are there but why isn’t this picture right?

Wimbledon 2012: Day 1

Well the 1^st day of Wimbledon 2012 has been completed and in an effort to not get behind, we will get right to the action. I am not sure if there is anything that needs to be mention other than. Check out RealzTenisFanz on Twitter, Facebook as well as COMMENT on the blog! Yes spread the word. I am also looking for a logo/design or some insignia. The only sort of art I can create usually end up looking like fart. Nonetheless, I really think we could do with a cool design. So if you know anyone, I welcome submissions. Of course, I cannot pay you but you will be featured forever on the website.

Yeah gurl for realz! They need a logo so if you know someone who knows someone who knows someone, let them know and send submissions. Might make a contest out of it!

So to the tennis:
Let’s start off with the men’s

Don’t hate me cause I got the walk that everyone talks about!

Defending Champion D’Joker Harlequeen got things off against Juan Carlos Ferrero, 2003 French Open Champion and 2003 US Open runner-up. When last we saw the Serb, he was reeling from that French Open loss to Lord Dirt Divadal. Now, in that final, his serve failed him miserably. It was almost appalling to think that he had got that far with such little effort. However, at the start of these championships, he looked rather stellar in the serving department. Now, JC Ferrero aka Ferrero Rocher, as aptly named by one of the fanz, is a mere shadow of his former self and grass was never his favourite surface. I secretly think that Ferrero Rocher’s problem is that he felt that he was the original Spanish Diva until that usurper in Lord Dirt Divadal came along. His career took a dive because of his inner struggles with envious demons but that is just me. Do not go spreading this around. Ferrero Rocher was a major talent back in the days and he was one of the first Spanish guys who were willing to learn to play on other surfaces other than clay. Anyhow, we are digressing and we are already behind. Anyway, D’Joker did not waste much time in dispatching him 6-3 6-3 6-1.

6 feet of Spanish chocolate with nut all over it 🙂 Mmm Mmm good! Ferrero Rocher

Mr. Federer was looking like every bit the 6 time Wimbledon champion that he is with a 6-1 6-1 6-1 victory over Spanish lefty Albert Ramos. If only Mr. Federer dismissed all Spanish lefty in this manner. These championships, I think will be very monumental in Mr. Federer’s legacy. I am afraid this might be the only legitimate chance he has of winning another major crown. He is a strong number 3 in the world; a very formidable opponent. However, he is getting old and his match skills are not as pristine as they were in the past. He commits far too many unforced errors. Nonetheless, if Mr. Federer were to win these championships, he gets back his number one ranking and surpasses Pete Sampras for most weeks at number one. There is no doubt in my mind that Mr. Federer is going for it all this year. He might talk of playing on till 2016 but I doubt that. He should be home with his daughters and so that Mirka can have time to get back to the gym and work out. Perhaps she might consider coming back on the WTA.

Swinging through his match

Anyway, other winners include Richard Gasquet, Xavier Malisse aka X-tra Large, Mikhail Youzhny over American Donald Young, Tabasco Verdasco and Janko Sexarevic who took out David Nalbandian in straight sets. He will join his countryman Troicki who won 8-6 in the 5^th set in his first round encounter. Shark Boy Stepanek also won as did Baby Jesus Juan Manaco or should I say, Mrs. Nadalaco. Frenchman Gilles Simon moved on to the 2^nd round when his fellow Frenchman Paul-Henri Mathieu pulled out after being down 3-6 4-5. Now, Simon in his press conference had nothing to talk about it seems, so instead of showing off his chicken legs, he showed off his bird brains. He spoke of the fact that he did not think that men and women should be paid the same amount during slams as men are required to play best of 5 sets as oppose to women playing 3.

Oooo brain fart!

Now, I would have given his stance more credence if he himself had completed at least 2 sets to move into the 2^nd round. Am I to ask for my money back or halve his prize money because he did not win 3 sets? We are not even going to deal with that right now. What I do not understand is why people are still talking about this. Why at this stage in tennis era is the likes of Simon who is not even a major factor on tour, will chose this sorta forum to talk about this matter. Now, mind you, the ATP has issues that he is ignoring and could be talking about in press conference but instead, he shows himself to be a sexist half-witted tennis player. What is even worse is that even if they were to offer a trillion dollars to the men, Simon is not seeing any of that money. He is as likely to win a major as I am to sprout a vagina. Really I went there.

Pardon me as I say something stupid

If Simon did not have anything intelligent to say, why not just shut his mouth and moved on? Talk about the Olympics etc? I wish the journalist would have shut him up right then and there. However, this is “news” in their mind and they will run with it for the next two weeks. I assure you Simon, news of Shriekapova winning her 4^th slam several weeks ago made more headlines than Divadal picking up his 7^th French Open title. So, perhaps you should shut your rass and actually learn to play on grass. See this is why people say shite about the French but he is lucky I am not one of those because I know a few choice mots en français for the Frenchman.

Lurch Berdshyte crashes out of a major again in spectacular fashion

Anyway, in an effort to not digress, I will finish giving you the newz. So several big losers were shown on the 1^st day including two giants; Tomas Berdych aka Lurch Berdshyte and John Isner aka BFG (Big Friendly Giant). They were both sent packing having come into these championships with some buzz behind them. Lurch lost in straight sets, 3 tiebreakers no less, to Ernests Gulbis, whereas BFG lost to Alejandro Falla who almost knocked Mr. Federer out in the 1^st round of Wimbledon in 2010. Falla won 6-4 6-7 3-6 7-6 7-5. Again I am going to say it; BFG needs to learn how to break serve. I am tired of seeing him losing matches in this effort. He has a wonderful serve that much is true. However, his inability to be more aggressive on his return game is really hampering him. I guess the fact that Isner lost, it does not make the fact that James Blake lost as well look so bad. I think this might be the final year for the American. His struggles have been long and arduous. He should bring this one to a close. It is a shame the US are not giving him a spot on the Olympic team when he came so close to winning a medal in Beijing if that cheating skank Fernando Gonzalez had owned up to his folly.

As with those locks, so you should cut off your professional tennis career. Bid it adieu. They were only cute for a minute.

On the ladies side, I guess the biggest news was really that Venus aka Russ Troll lost against Elena Vesnina 1-6 3-6. Now, I am not going to make any excuses for the American who herself said that she is satisfied with her performance though she admitted that she came back too soon. She congratulated the Russian on her victory and got in reporters face when they claimed she was struggling. Russ Troll was not having any of that negativity in her press conference. Anyway, she gets a second chance at life as the US just announced the Olympic team and she and her sister will be entered in both the singles and doubles event.

At least I get free towels.

Shriekapova, fresh off her French Open victory, got through her opponent 6-2 6-3 as did British hopeful Heather Watson. Other winners include Sam Stosur, D’Stove who just dismantled Spaniard Carla Suarez-Navarro. While we are on the subject of Carla, cannot anyone really do something about this child? I have long suggested that they make her grow her hair out as well as add some bows, ribbons and girlish clips to it. However, no one is taking heed. It is really sad to look upon this child. Spain should be ashamed of itself having the men looking far better cared for than its women.

Lady Hobbit

One of the more interesting match ups of the tournament was Mommie Dearest aka Princess Fiona aka Kim Clijsters vs Five Head Jungle Witch Jankovic. Fivehead is struggling to get at least one head in the game as her tennis woos continue. The 18^th seed is out and Mommie Dearest goes on to the 2^nd round in her quest for her 1^st Wimbledon title. She is set to retire once more. This will be her “last” Wimbledon she claims. However, she is still plagued with “injuries”

Mommie Dearest and Fivehead Jungle Witch

Anyway, other winners were Losicki, Krazilenko, Carebear Kerber, Fatrova, Creature Rus, Sloane Stephens, LiNaLi, Pironkova and Draculetta Cirstea. Americans Vania King and Melanie Oudin were knocked out as was 16^th seed Flavia Pennetta. Jaime Lee Hampton of the US knocked out Daniella Hepburnova 6-4 7-6. There might be some depth to the American ladies in the next coming years. I almost forgot, Bratzwanska won her match and would have face Russ Troll had she won.

It is a shame you won’t be around Russ Troll because I rather liked this outfit!

 

French Open 2012: 7th Day

Things are thinning out now and we are heading for the second week. There is a popular saying in the world of tennis when it comes to majors. You cannot win a major in the 1^st week but you sure can lose one then. We will start with the ladies as per the norm: GHW started things off against Russia’s Nina Bratchikova and after the 1^st set you swore things were going to be easy for the Czech as she took it 6-2. However, as has become common place, the world’s number 4 did a walk about. She was down 1-5 in the 2^nd set before she knew how to play tennis again and tried to get back in front. However, she lost the set 4-6. Fortunately for her, she was playing a lower ranked inexperienced player and she was able to impose her will on the Russian to win the match 6-1 in the 3^rd. If GHW thinks that this sorta form will help her against Shriekapova, she might as well make preparation for her Wimbledon defence because her time in Paris will be up.

GHW not only means Grand High Witch but also Grand High Waist! P90X or Pilates. BTW Foot fault!

Shriekapova continues to look like the one to beat here at Roland Garros she as just ripped Shuai Peng apart 6-2 6-1. Through 3 rounds of tennis, Shriekapova has just dropped 4 games. She is looking like the 2008 Australian Open Shriekapova. Defending champion LiNaLi started off shaky against American Christiana McHale who remains the brightest hope in American women’s tennis future. However, I have long called in question, McHale’s mental toughness, which was suspect in this match. McHale won the 1^st set 6-3 but only won 3 more games from the Chinese. She went down as if the 1^st set were an aberration. If McHale’s wishes to continue up the ranking, she has to learn how to protect a lead and put her foot down on an opponent and keep it there. Other winners include Zakopalova who took out Fattychunkova in straight sets 6-3 7-5, Shvedova, a sort of doubles specialist, who took out Lady Hobbit from Spain 6-4 7-5 and Arantxa Rus (apparently it is pronounced roose and not rue) continued to show fine form in this tournament by knocking out Julia Goerges 7-6 2-6 6-2. Zakopalova, Rus and Shvedova are all unseeded and moved into their first Round of 16 in a major, CONGRATULATIONS ladies. Interestingly enough none of these ladies were on anyone’s radar. We all expected the Serenenator to be clearing out this field.

Yaroslava Shvedova from Kazakhstan. Tears of joy for her win

There were two stand out matches of the day on the ladies side: Kaia Kanepi vs Caroline Wozniacki (I am so use to call her Danish Biscuit, I almost forgot how to spell her name) and Varvara Lepchenko vs Francesca Schiavone. Lepchenko just played cool, calm tennis. She did not panic when Schiabone took the 1^st set 6-3. She just continued to plug away in the 2^nd and was rewarded with a break in the 8^th game to serve out the set 6-3. Schiabone is no stranger to fight and it has almost become common place for the Italian to have one of those long matches where she is screaming and fighting back to win. Lepchenko did not allow any of this to both her game. She broke early in the decisive set only to lose the next three games 1-3. She then won the next 4 games to be up 5-3!

Here comes the asthmatic death rattle

The Italian served to stay in the match and won the next 3 games to deny the American the chance to serve out the match. Schiabone was up 6-5 and Lepchenko now had to serve to stay in the match; she did. She held her ground and broke Schiabone to go up 7-6 and then served out the match 8-6! This was very impressive stuff from her and I am particularly pleased with her win so as not to hear Schiabone’s asthmatic death rattle for the rest of this tournament. She was denied a chance to get to a third consecutive French Open final. With this victory, the American put herself back into contention of being on the Olympic team. She joins her countrywoman Sloane Stephens in the Round of 16. Who would have thought two American ladies are in the round of 16 of a major and none of their names were Williams. Looks like there might be talent in the American camp after all and might just have a future in the game.

Varvara Lepchenko. Gurl…what got you so hot and bothered :-)! That boy Schiabone turning you on?

The other stand out match; Telly Monster’s sister and Danish Biscuit was far more interesting and if not problematic for the WTA. The WTA is enjoying a bit of a PR issue. It seems that most of their recent stars are not really stars after all. See back in the days of Chris Evert, Martina Navratilova etc, PR was not really a big deal. These girls and I use that term in the loosest possible sense, were very much concerned about tennis. There was no real possibility of any of the female rising up the ranking and being number one having not won a major. It was almost impossible. The tour also enjoyed a very deep field with many players capable of winning majors. However, the game and the world have changed tremendously and perhaps because juniors are not regular features on the main tour, there are a lot of anomalies that are cropping up. One of the major ones is that there are number-one ranked players who seemingly do not stand a chance of winning a major. Caroline Wozniacki seems to embody that phenomenon. Even more so is the fact that the Dane illicit such strong opinions about the matter and has attracted much venom and hate not hateration, actual hate for her accomplishments. I do not hate on her game as oppose to hating on her outfit.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Can someone put Stella McCartney’s forays into fashion to rest please? Whatever, you want to design for socialites, go ahead but you are not a sportswear designer. Not in the least but I digress.  Now, I am going to be clear. I take absolutely nothing away from Danish Biscuit. She is a good player. She is a very darn good player. She deserved the No 1 ranking. She worked hard. She played the tournaments and she won. Yes she did not win a major. However, 2+2 will always = 4 unless, New Math become more comprehensive for the average man. She get big points for getting far in draws. Martina Hingis, the Bride of Chunky, remained high on the rankings for ages when in truth an in fact, 1997 was her best year ever. After that year, she won two more majors the 1998 and 1999 Aussie Open championships. Yet no one called into question her status as the number one player. Lindsay Davenport last won a major in 2000 if I am not mistaken (1998 US Open, 1999 Wimbledon and 2000 Australian Open) yet when she continued to be a top the ranking NO ONE questioned this. The last time Maria Shriekapova has won a major was in 2008 yet by just making the finals, she’ll be number one. The Williams sisters have shown that they are dangerous from nearly any ranking and lethal enough to win majors yet, they have called the top ladies even when the ranking does not reflect this. I do not understand really and truly why people make a big issue about rankings.

Nothing makes a bad outfit worse than bad accessories! STELLLAAAAAAA NOOOOOOOOO Just wrap that shite in the jacket, stuff it in the bag and tosh it in t

I mean the rankings are never an indication as to how things should go. There is no guarantee with rankings and there has never been anything inherent about the system to imply that in the least. They are just a way of classifying players because humans always love to rank. There should be a tournament where players are just thrown all over the draw and let the best man win. I mean there is something to said about a system where the top players play very low ranked players and only face their equals in the latter stages of the tournament. Of course, you will remain on top. However, mix things up and perhaps D’Joker would be number 1 if faced a Berdych in the 1^st round became of the computer generated non ranking draw. I am just saying. Anyway, I digress. My real point is that I do not appreciate those cheap shots at the Dane. Those cheap shots have resulted in the premature end of Dinara Safina’s career and the downward spiral of Jelena Jankovic. Albeit that Safina being a Russian as well as the sister of Marat Safin might have something to do with the matter. Fivehead Jungle Witch, well perhaps this has something to do with the fact that God does not like ugly. Hmmmm

I am not even going to talk about what they are wearing. Anyway, boo, he has a major, you don’t!

Anyway, what I would welcome into the discussion about the Danish Biscuit is how flaky her game is against the top players. She has an abysmal record against top ten players and perhaps this is so because often the players in the top ten LOSE inexplicably early or just do not show up when the Dane is playing. The truth however, is that the Dane has no weapons. She brings a stick to a sword fight; a knife to gun battle which is short leaves her outmatched, outgunned and out of the big tournaments. Her serves are target practice, her forehand and backhand are often returned bigger than her own stroke and though she is very fit and quick around the court, at the end of the day, being able to run a marathon will not help you in a 100m dash! You just have to have the big guns for these types of battle. It does not help that the Dane is crazy loyal to her father (as can be expected) However, as is often the case with parent-child coaching relationships, neither party wants to leave. A sorta strange secretive thing develops that can be a PR nightmare as it receives a lot of media attention. You are not just firing your coach, you are dismissing a parent. I can appreciate the difficulty. In my opinion, I really think both parties need to communicate openly and honestly. This has been a problem even for the Williams sisters. The many problems with the Crackhead’s play could have easily been rectified if they were willing to have another person on board. It is clear that Richard and Oracene’s directions work better for the Serenanator than they do for Ebony Starr. Yet, the Williams’ camp refuses to take on board another full time coach. However, at this point, I think have all decided that they do not care the cost, they are sticking together. I can appreciate this as they are not fussing about the matter and the sisters’ tennis talents far exceed that of many.

Another reason for the Dane’s decline. She’s studying the boy who if you ask me looks a lil sweet

Anyway, when it comes to the Danish Biscuit, is more than apparent that the collaboration is not working out well. Interestingly enough, they have more than welcomed others to join their fold. However, they treat newbie like an invited house guest who you cannot wait to leave. Anyway, to this particular match. Kanepi is a talent but is a talent that is often not consistent. However, yesterday, she was on like a boiled corn. She was just smacking winners left, right and center. She made every single aspect of the Dane’s game look mediocre. It was as if she was sending a message in each point: You are not ready yet! In no time, Kanepi was up 6-1 5-1! Then Kanepi had some sorta….hmmm I am not quite sure how to say this….Kanepi started to choke and play shit (Could not say it any other way). She served for the match three times and had like three match points in the 2^nd set. She failed on every try. It was like a joke or some alternate reality. There is no way a player could allow herself to go down like this. Telly Monster’s sister looked like she was trying to find herself back to Sesame Street instead of winner’s row. Everything that she was doing to win the big points, she did the opposite and this gave the Dane a measure of belief and this was all she needed.

I was on and then I was off and then I was on and then I was off

The Dane was not going to mess around, she continued to fire away and soon she won the 2^nd set 7-6 and we are tied. I gave up hope on Kanepi. I was done and I thought of how I was going to rip her to piece on RealzTenisFanz. However, Kanepi silenced me. She kept herself together and she was soon up to 5-1 in the 3^rd. And you know what the Estonian did? She pulled out the shite playbook again. She got broken serving for the match for a 4^th time. Surely, if she cannot win it on her serve, she would try and win it on the Dane’s. Nope, from 5-1, it became 5-3 and it started to feel like the 2^nd set all over again. Even the Dane looked relaxed as if she knew she was not going to lose this match today. However, Telly Monster’s sister got her life together and completed the upset 6-1 6-7 6-3. There is nothing good that the Dane should take away from this match because she won the 2^ndset because the Estonian choked. Had she come up against the likes of the Serenanator or Shriekapova, in that type of form, she would have been dismissed with two bagels and a cup of coffee for good measure. Anyway, there has been a total shake up of the draw and yet Shriekapova looks stronger than ever! She is even playing better on clay than she did at the regular tour tournaments.

Can’t stop the tears from falling!

You have me playing a beast. What do you expect?

Things were more in order on the men’s s draw. Lochness Monster was in great form as he dispatched his Colombian opponent, Giraldo. However, it was Fiery Ferrer who was blazing on court early on. He dropped just 4 games as he took out Mikhail Youzhny.  He will join his countryman Nicolas Almagro and of course Divadal who is still not blinking on court. There is no doubt that Divadal is the perennial favourite. Enough cannot be said of how dominant this guy is on this surface. I mean I hardly ever root for him but there is no doubt that he is the Greatest Of All Time (GOAT) on this surface bar none. I mean most men on tour barring the Americans are very good on clay but they all look like amateurs on the surface when ranked against Divadal. Anyway, he is through to the 4^th round as can be expected.

Divadal sliding to his 7th French Open title

Richard Gasquet had a tough 1^st set against Tommy Haas who I think came through qualifiers to get into this tournament. Yes, I just checked. The former no. 2 (if I am not mistaken) has to play qualifier in order to get into a major. Head and Shoulders has the worst luck of a player as he is always plague by injuries. Anyway, he won the 1^st set 7-6 but then I do not know what had happened because suddenly Haas became possessed by some alien force and won three more games for the rest of the back. He got doubled bageled by Richard Gasquet. I mean seriously?? 6-7 6-3 6-0 6-0 Gasquet!.

No neck and apparently no brains

Janko Tipsarevic aka Sexsarevic came through against Benneteau, which was a really good match up for the Serb. He did not allow himself to get frazzled by the French crowd, which is just short of being a bunch of hooligans with French accents. Anyway, the Serb is through to his first Round of 16 at the French Open. There were two 5 set matches that saw Paul-Henri Mathieu trying to pull off the heroics of his 2^nd round match against BFG. However, Crunchy Granola had other designs on this match. He had a two set lead and he allowed the Frenchman some measure of belief by dropping the next two. But in the 5^th set, the Spaniard was just ready to take charge of the match as he just took charge of the match dropping just one game. 6-4 6-4 4-6 1-6 6-1 Marcel Granollers; He will play Fiery Ferrer in the next round. Baby Jesus aka Juan Monaco played rising star Milos Raonic aka Dennis the Menace.

Holy Jesus

Now, there is no question that Dennis has what it takes to be a top ten player but a real true contender, I have my doubts. He took the 1^st set 7-6 dropped the 2^nd 3-6 and then won the 3^rd 7-6. See the thing is that Raonic did not break Monaco’s serve in the match and for that reason, Baby Jesus won in 5, taking the final two sets 6-3 6-4. Milos might be able to get away with this sort of play on regular tour, but at the majors, you need to be able to break your opponent’s serve no matter how good your serve is. The law of average says that if your opponent keeps making the effort to return your serve, he will get lucky enough to get a game. Everyone talks about Pete Sampras’s serve. However, people forget that he was a darn good returner and consolidated the breaks with his excellent serves. Anyway, at the end of today’s play, we move into the business end of the tournament: Round of 16 match ups!!!

It’s bad enough you are out there playing bullshite tennis. It is another thing when you are trying to apologize and your spelling is bullshite too. Youzhny, next time, write it in Russian

Live at the US Open 2011 Day 6

Now as much I love tennis, I sorta avoid going to the US Open. The reason being that in the past when I have gone, I was more or less surrounded by idiots. I mean it is amazing how much people go to these events and no next to nothing about the sport. I am not going to knock ignorance because I mean, you are going to the event to learn something. However, my problem is that these idiots are constantly airing their stupidity and they never shut up. Often times, they are arguing points despite facts to the contrary. Anyway, I got a “hookup” and got the chance to purchase a ticket to see Saturday matches ie see Mr. Federer and the Serenanator live. I was not going to pass that up for nothing. I do thank my friend for thinking of me at that critical time when the ticket offer came up. I do appreciate it.

Flushing Meadows here I come

So anyway, I set out on Saturday for Flushing Meadows and everything seem to be working for me. I got in and out of the barber, the bus driver was very nice and stopped for me after seeing me running to get to the bus stop. She did not have to at all as stopped before the bus stop. The trains were there when I got to the stations and by 12:45, I was all ready for Mr. Federer vs. Marin Cilic.

When I left home, Danish Biscuit was dealing with Saw Clown aka Vania King, Tipsarevic had won the first set from Berdych and Francesco Schiabone was down a set. Navarro aka Lady Hobbit was bad beating her countrywoman. By the time I got to Queens, Danish Biscuit crushed King, Berdych retired from the match, Scheepers tried to serve for the match against Schiabone only to be broken and lost the tie-breaker to head to a 3rd set and Navarro was through to the Round of 16. Anyway, I asked the ticket attendant where to go and she said two levels up. Now I imagined that I had most wonderful seats and will be almost court side. However, when I found my spot, I was struggling for oxygen as you very well know that higher altitude causes oxygen deprivation. I was at the very top of the stadium. I could see Manhattan from my seat. Not only was I looking hot but I was feeling hot too with the sun blazing down on me.

My seat

My view from my seat

Anyway, I was still able to see the court and soon enough Mr. Federer came out in his fire engine red along with Marin Cilic. Mr. Federer was not stellar but he was playing well enough because Cilic was clearly overwhelmed by the occasion and despite playing exceptionally well in his first two rounds, he came up short in the end. Mr. Federer’s backhand was the obvious liability on court as it landing consistently in the service box and bouncing up high. I know it will be snack time when he faces more tougher opponents like a Tsonga, D’Joker, Divadal or a Lochness, if he gets that round. Mr. Federer is not guaranteed in the finals of majors anymore with his piss poor play as of late. Anyway, I felt the stadium after the first 3 sets, Mr. Federer being up 2-1 and had a break in the 4th already. I wanted to see other players.

Mr. Federer vs Cilic

By this time, Anastasia Pavlyuchenkova took out Fivehead Jankovic in straight sets and Mardy Fish and Kevin Anderson were on their way in their match. Schiabone had also made another comeback and took the match. So I wandered around the grounds and by this time, Mr. Federer finished off Cilic 6-3 4-6 6-4 6-2.

On my way to see others whilst keeping check of the score on Ashe

I saw Jurgen Meltzer (aka Jurgen Meltdown) of Austria and his doubles partner Philipp Petzschner of Germany

Yearning for Jurgen

Guten Tag!!!

Saw Peng Shuai practicing...she's up against Flavia Pennetta

I even spied Sam D'Stove Stosur out on the practice courts

Caught a lil of the Hantuchova and Radwanska's doubles match...They won after a poor first set

Then I saw this... Fabio Fognini... I really need to work on my Italian

He was practicing with his doubles partner Simone Bolelli but he didn't have his shirt off so...

I went back to watching him... the pictures do not do him justice at all

I saw Alexandr Dolgopolov....the boy who looks like a girl who looks like a boy. I am really impressed with his cool calm demeanor on court. And in person he's not bad looking at all if you ignore the acne. He's always fixing his hair though

He was playing Ivo Karlovic

Ivo, why are your socks dirty?? The clay season is long over and those sucks are dirty.

Aravane Rezai has a phat ass not going to lie

Heineken may have been light but his breath was heavy. Can someone tell me why I was smelling this man's breath even though he never spoke to me and I was behind him all the time. A wind was howling with his halitosis. People do not go to public events if you know you are carrying toxic waste in your mouth.

The Serenanator

While I was wondering about, I checked the score and realized that I had to hurry because the Serenanator was destroying Victoria Azarenka on court. she was already up 4-0. I raced back to my seat….I mean I climb the slopes to get to my seat by which time, the Serenanator was up 5-0. Victoria won a game and Serena closed out the set 6-1. The beginning of the second set was no different from the first and the Serenanator looked poised to put the Serena Sleeper hold on Victoria. The Serenanator failed to convert a chance to go up 2 breaks but had triple match points on Azarenka’s serve but failed to convert any of them.

Victoria Azarenka out wandering wondering where her game has gone

Triple match points

Azarenka sensing a loose moment from the American, seized that moment to break the Serenanator when she served for the match. Things were getting interesting for a few minutes prior Serena was up 5-3 love-40 and now it was 6-5 Azarenka. My throat was dry and I could not deal with the drama. I was definitely vocally rooting for the Serenanator and if she were to loose, it was a long way to the exit. I could not do the “Walk of Shame.” May I could just jump down. That canopy below look like it could take my weight. Right?

WTF Serena?? WTMFF??

Anyway, fortunately, the Serenanator got herself together and took the set to a tiebreaker, which was again tense to say the least for me. 7-5, Serenanator and with that, the match 6-1 7-6; the No 4 seed was out. It is really a crying shame because Victoria Azarenka is a really good player and when she is on form, she is always meeting up the Serenanator a la 2009, 2010 Australian Open and now 2011 US Open. She is one of my hopefuls to win a major because she is really good. I hope she takes this losses and build from it. Anyway, I have to say that the Serenanator is playing really really tough. She is very tactical and is not allowing herself to get behind any opponent. She is psyching out her opponents and right about now, they are all scared.

The Serenanator is splitting the competition

Goodness gracious....that was a close one

The Serenanator giving her winner's on court interview. Mary-Jo Fernandez, those slingbacks is high inappropriate at this international event. They look like your house slippers and I am not even going to comment on your nurse's scrub skirt because I think you already know you get zero style points for that.

You know I was extremely happy with the win so I raced down as close I could to the court (Thank God for the gym!)and took more pictures. I even saw Mary-Jo Fernandez doing the on-court interview.

On my way out of the stadium I saw Richard Williams…

Yeah, my daughter is kicking @$$

Anyway, I went over to Louis Armstrong Stadium to see two men battle it out for a place in the Ladies 4th Round. Kuzi-Rex and Akgul A-man-mu-ra-do-va who looks every bit as a boy as she does on TV. She looks like she can also snuff you out like a candle in the wind. Lynn Welch was the chair umpire for the match (For super die hard fanz like moiself who knows the chair umpires by name.)

Kuzi Rex. Not even going to talk about what she's wearing

Perhaps a bit pre-historic?

Akgul Amanmuradova

By the time, Dolgopolova aka the Boy who looks like a Girl who looks like a boy had taken out Ivo Karlovic and Juan Carlos Ferrero also won when his compatriot and opponent retired from the match. Mardy Fish had also taken care of Kevin Anderson who was putting up a late charge. Anyway, I checked the schedule on my smart phone which was so much more economical than buying a programme for ($20…get the hell outta here USTA. Do you know what I can get for $20 in the real world?) Anywho, I decided to go see some real menz action on Grandstand because it was going to be a Harem of Hotties as Argentina’s Juan Monaco was currently playing Germany’s Tommy Haas and after that “piece de resistance” Tabasco Verdasco vs Baby Ali (All that was going through my mind was “Heaven, must be missin angels”

Juan Monaco of Argentina

Here's a better look. Dios Mio

Tommy Haas

I mean you know I am always a fan of Tommy Haas as I affectionately call him “Head and Shoulders” but in real person, he definitely has a shot to get it. Monaco well, we have to something about that hair but that’s just me nitpicking…he is muy caliente. When I got to the match, he was putting the finishing touches on Head and Shoulders. It is a shame that unfortunate incidents have followed Haas in his career. He was a brilliant player but he got into a motorcycle accident which took him out for like a year I think and also slipped on a loose ball at Wimbledon which caused his ankle to blow up like a balloon. Added to other injuries, he never really made it to his true potential. Anyway, he was out and up comes Verdasco and Tsonga. My eyes were in sugar shock.

Tabasco Verdasco v Baby Ali

Anyway, I have to tell you about an incident that was unfolding as I was watching the match. Now if you haven’t seen to the Billie Jean Tennis Center looking at the graphic below, you can see that the Louis Armstrong stadium is connected to the Grandstand.

Map

Now Kuzi-Rex and Akgul were playing on Armstrong so Baby Ali and Tabasco Verdasco were playing on Grandstand where they were SCHEDULED to play. There were no changes in the schedule. Now, because the men’s matches were a hot ticket, the Grandstand was full but you can look over in the Grandstand from a balcony on Armstrong or if you go to the very top of Armstrong you can look over into the stadium and see the match. I was forced to watch the match from the balcony. It was not a bad view at all. Anyway, after the Kuzi-Rex match, Kuzi Rex won in straight sets and was through to the Round of 16 to face Danish Biscuit, world’s no. 1 Caroline Wozniacki, the officials closed the court (Armstrong) and asked the people to leave including the people who were only inside the stadium to watch the Tsonga v Verdasco match. I have to say that this was really the hot ticket at the time. I mean they were two hot players and also the quality of play was expected to be good. They are both top ranked players.

She' the one in the blue muumuu and her "friend" is next to her in the pink shirt. I was up there watching the match at one point

Anyway, this one young lady took serious exception to security’s mandate that they leave the stadium. She took great offense to this matter and told the security guard, “It;s obvious that the USTA (US Tennis Association) made a MISTAKE by putting the Tsonga match on the smaller court. Therefore allow us to be in the empty stadium.” Now, this girl is either a law/medical student and she went on to “reason” with the man saying that he can simply have one security guard watch them. Mind you it was not just her but an entire crowd of people wanting to line the back wall. This security officer, obviously a religious man because I would have told her what was the MISTAKE beginning with her tragic outfit which was meant either for bedtime or pregnancy and her obvious gay balding (think Chia pet) boyfriend who God forbid was wearing inappropriate shoes with no socks (I just knew he had no socks on….he looked the type) and wearing a size medium pink shirt when he is clearly an XL on a very good day, bursting out of the bloody thing like fat Hulk. But we aren’t here for that and she was not talking to me. Really the audacity of this woman. Of course she asked for the supervisor as if he was going to allow her and her “girlfriend/boyfriend” alone in an empty stadium to stand and look over at a match, something she and shim were at that very moment doing on the balcony. They even offered to find her a good spot but she refused. I mean what if the people were to have acquiesced  and she and he went over and got hurt or worse the victim of a crime (Not like he was going to protect her. I mean I think she looked more the man than he did) Then she would have been all up in arms and blaming the USTA for the entire affair. Did I mention that they had tickets to Arthur Ashe stadium and should have been there instead of screaming like some banshee? You would have thought someone had cut her off in the TJ Maxx line where she got her lil number. She was just quarter past ridiculous at this time. I on the other hand, just walked downstairs and got a perfectly good seat very close to the action and got some really nice shots.

I went and got me way better seats

Way better view!

Not that from above was bad.

A view from the balcony

Anyway after the match… Tsonga totally dominated Verdasco as he was not serving up to par and his weight of shots were totally off. He seems to not be the player he was in 2008/2009. I do not know if he’s getting lazy or perhaps his mind is elsewhere but he has really lost the edge he had before. Tsonga on the other hand was looking really good. I mean he’s the real dark horse pick of this tournament. He has a winning record against D’Juggernaut 5-4, beaten Mr. Federer the last two times they have played including at Wimbledon 2011 where Mr. Federer was up 2 sets to love. Divadal is not so well these days and I know Tsonga will not be intimidated by the Spaniard. However, Tsonga will have to beat the top three players and that’s a very very very very tall order. Anyway, I was saying is that Sloane Stephens lost to Ivanovic the Terrible in straight sets and her countryman D’Juggernaut knocked out Davydenko. Ivanovic next faces the Serenanator and D’Joker will play Dolgopolov. Andrea Petkovic also won her match and will play lady Hobbit in the next round.

This made me smile... you know how much I "love" me some Jennifer Capriati

So all in all that was my day at the US Open. It was really a wonderful experience even though I was by myself. Hope you enjoyed.