Wimbledon 2014: Day 1

What do you mean we can’t get in? WTF??

Well Wimbledon 2014 started without any major news aka gossip to spread beforehand. Everything seemed to be perfect other than the fact that there were more tickets for Day 1 than there were places available. People had to be turned away from the grounds. Or so they said. Anyway, let us get right to the results because I am pressed for time. PLEASE DO NOT FORGET TO CHECK OUT http://www.ubitennis.com/english/?refresh_ce AND http://www.ubitennis.com/english/author/hackshaw/  for a more realistic coverage. However, never forget to stay tuned to RealzTenisFanz for your coverage. We’re on TWITTER and FACEBOOK too. PLEASE COMMENT BELOW and provide feedback.

So the men’s

Lochness Monster is looking to continue his winning ways at Wimbledon

Lochness Monster (3) who was first up on Centre Court, won his opening round match against the lil Goblin David Goffin 6-1 6-4 7-5. The Goblin can be a lil tricky but Nessie handled him efficiently. Clearly Nessie is under a lot of pressure to do well in his home tournament since he hired a Frenchwoman, Amelie Mauresmo to help him deal with his lack of major major success. You do realize that Nessie has been the last 3 “Wimbledon” finals (2 majors and 1 Olympic) So homegurl is really looking to extend this trend. Anyway, Djoker Harlequeen (1) was feeling himself as he totally dismantled Andrey Golubev 6-0 6-1 6-4. Golubev nearly went down 6-0 6-0 but spurred on by the crowds was able to win himself 5 games to make it a respectable scoreline.

Djoker isn’t trying to muck around. He has not won a major since 2013 Aussie Open and lost 4 of the last 4 major finals. NO BUENO. He is coming for this Wimbledon crown

Berdshite (6) overcame a slow start against Victor Hanescu to move through to the 2^nd round 6-7 6-1 6-3 6-2. Of the 153 total points Berdshite won in the match, 75 of them were winners. That’s staggering as that is nearly 50% of his points. Excellent job. Will be interesting to see if the bird brain can keep this up. Anyway, Fake Fire Ferrer (7) also won in 4 sets over fellow Spaniard Pable Carreno-Busta 6-0 6-7 6-1 6-1. Sharapova’s clutch Dimitrov (11) won in straight sets over American Ryan Harrison 7-6 6-3 6-2. A pair of Russians, Mikhail Youzhny (17) and Andrey Kuznetsov, former Wimbledon Junior champion, took out a pair of young British hopefuls, Jamie Ward and Daniel Evans respectively. Youzhny won in straights 6-2 6-2 6-1 and Kuznetsov in 4 sets 6-1 7-5 3-6 7-6.

Are you calling me a douche? No I am calling you Goonie Gulbis

Other seeded players who won include Ernest Goonie Gulbis (12) in 3 tough sets over Jurgen Zopp, Fabio “Mr. Pignini” Fognini (16) over American Alex Kuznetsov in 5 sets, Kevin Anderson (20), BWLLAGWLLAB Dolgopolov (21) and Chin Cilic (26). Baby Ali Tsonga (14) has to complete his match against Jurgen Meltdown. They are locked in the 5^th set. Tsonga looked to have this match on lockdown as he won the 1^st set 6-1 and had early break points in the 2^nd set. However, he lost his way and soon found himself down 1-2 sets. He found his way and took the 4^th set and now they are in a 5^th set. Tsonga up 5-4 and will serve for the match when play resumes.

I need to come back tomorrow?? WTF??

Other notable winners were Roberto Bautista-Agut who won last week’s grass court warmup in Holland, Benjamin Becker who took out American hopeful Donald Young in straight sets 6-4 6-3 6-4, Shark Boy Stepanek who will take on Djoker in the 2^nd round, Marcos Fatdatis who dismissed Dustin Brown aka Dreddy Tennis aka the man who beat Divadal at Halle two weeks ago. Hottie Dominic Thiem aka Steam Thiem fizzled out as he was knocked by another youngster, Austrialian qualifier Luke Saville in 4 sets. Fellow Aussie Bernard Tampomic is also through to the 2^nd round. The man who beat Mr. Federer last year in the 2^nd round, Ukrainian Sergei Stakhovsky won in straight sets over Carlos Berloq 6-3 6-3 6-3. Not to worry Mr. Federer’s fanz, Stakhovsky is on the other side of the draw far far far away from Mr. Federer. They can only meet in the final and we all know that is very unlikely to happen. Frenchmen Gilles Simon and Jeremy Chardy are also through to the 2^nd round.

Tabasco Verdasco played like ketchup today

By way of upsets, we have Tabasco Verdasco (18) going out to the likes of Marinko Matosevic 4-6 6-4 4-6 2-6. Matosevic is the douche who had this to say about Lochness Monster hiring Mauresmo as his coach “It’s all equal rights these days. Got to be politically correct. So, yeah, someone has to give it a go. I couldn’t do it, though, since I don’t think that highly of the women’s game.” I really expected Verdasco to shut this fool up with a straight sets beatdown but I guess way too much gel in his hair addled his brains or something. Andreas Seppi (25) also went out in 5 sets to Leonardo Mayer 3-6 6-2 6-4 6-7 4-6. Vasek Pospisil (31) was sent packing by Robin Haase in 4 sets. Well these are not real upsets… I guess I should really say, seeded players got “dispersed” and no one really cares.

I wasn’t ready!!!

The Ladies,

Kvitova giving me Grand High Witch face

Things were far more routine on the ladies’s side. LiNaLi (2) of course complicated her life against a qualifier but she pulled through in the end in straight sets 7-5 6-2 over Paula Kania. GHW Kvitova (6) also came through in straight sets over Andrea Hlavakova 6-3 6-0. Other straight sets winners included Vickie (8) 6-3 7-5 over Marijana Lucic-Baroni, Dominika Cibuttkova (10), Flavia Penne Pasta Pennetta (12), Lady Gollum Safarova (23) over Julia Georges 7-6 7-6, Elena Vesnina (32), Moaning Mona Barthel and Bjona Jovanovski. I have to say again that I am happy at Vickie is back. However, that serve of hers will be the death of her. She was a mess out there today against Lucic-Baroni. She is lucky that girl…well woman since Lucic-Baroni is 32 was not someone of a higher ranking because they would have been all over those measly serves.

Vickie is back in her pum pum shorts

Granny Vee who just turned 34 last week won her match in 3 sets and before people get on her case saying that she was being messy, I have to say that she was actually playing some decent tennis. Her stats were on point: she got 65% of her 1^st serves in, winning 89% of the points (41/46) and 64% on the 2^nd serve. She was up at net 20 times and won the point 18 of those times. She was 3/3 on break points with 41 winners including 11 aces and 16 errors. I mean those are some healthy numbers. Usually those are some ridiculous numbers like 1/8 on break points etc etc. Hopefully she keeps this up. And speaking of grandmothers, Granny Goodness Date Krumm was coasting against Ekaterina Makarova (22) but then got lost. She was up 5-0 in the 1^st set but could not close it out initially. She won the set 6-3. She dropped the 2^nd 4-6 and was up 2-0 in the 3^rd but unable to maintain the lead. Makarove took the match 3-6 6-4 7-5 and sent Granny Goodness home.

This ugly Spanish itch was trying to come for me!!

I mean seriously Granny Goodness is looking sexy out here… but that knee needs to be replaced

By way of upsets, we have Sam D’Stove Stosur (17) and Slowe Stephens (18). They were both ousted today to provide the tournament’s first upsets. D’Stove has yet to figure out the courts of Wimbledon despite nearly all pundits saying that her game is suited for the grass. She was knocked out in straight sets but Yanina Wickmayer 6-3 6-4. Slowe Stephens who has made decent runs in the draw at the last 6 majors was dismissed by Maria Kirilenko 6-2 7-6. This should not be of no real surprise since Stephens plays pretty poorly on tour. She was expecting her luck to carry her through to the latter stages but it was not to be the case this yr. Another upset came in the form of Coco Vandeweghe who recently won the grass court warm up tournament in Holland. She took out Garbine Muguruza (27) Serena Slayer at the French Open. Muguruza was dismissed from Wimbledon 3-6 6-3 5-7. And speaking of upsets… well more so upset stomach, Vania King aka Sailor Moon aka Saw Clown. This gurl was up 5-0 in the 1^st set only to lose then next….wait for it… the next 12 games to be down 5-7 0-5. She by the grace of God no less took the next three games but unable to deny her opponent Yvonne Meusburger the win 7-5 6-3.

You best take off those sunglasses and try to find yourself a backhand gurl

WTF is happening? This is a major. I don’t lose in the 1st round…

Well that is it for the notable winners on Day 1. Do note that four women’s matches scheduled for today were not completed: Bratzwanska (4), Danish Biscuit (16), Alien v Predator Errani (14) and Kuzi-Rex (28) all have to finish up tomorrow. Tomorrow will also see Divadal, Serenanator, Mr. Federer, the conclusion of Baby Ali’s match, Radwanska matches etc etc.. Hope you enjoyed this posting…

BIG PICTURE SHOW

Definitely some of the Hottest pictures we have had on RealzTenisFanz ever..

Even Berdshite is surprised he looks so good

Wait Realz you were talking about my hair…
No I was talking about the weave not your hair..

Venus giving us Ebony Starr Goddess here!

Look at this Ginger cookie.. I want to eat every crumb

And his name is Cox I swear!!

His name is Pospisil but I like to call him Popsicle.. and we know why..

Firey Ferrer at his best

In a certain light and made pliable with some liquor.. Jurgen Meltdown could definitely get it

Andreas Seppi… would love a sip of this fine Italian win

Pablo Carrena-Busta… I mean the nose aside… he could definitely get it

Robin Haase is a YES

Russian Evgeny Donskoy I mean come on… how can we not say DA to this

He’s a lil frustrated man but definitely a hottie

I don’t know what that finger is for but it is certainly not for number 1 ranked tennis player. Anyway, as always Vickie is a HOTTIE and a lil tongue action, what more can a boy who is into girls want

Kirilenko is serving up fish!! AMAZING

Look at Granny Goodness.. she looks really amazing

Moaning Mona, what is your excuse

She looks like a carrot that has been eaten by a horse..

I must end on Mr. Federer of course

Meanwhile Shaq is as lost as ever..

 

French Open 2013: Jour 2

On Day 2 of action at the French Open, no real huge upset took place amongst the ladies in contention.
6th seed LiNaLi took out Spanish Anabel Medina-Garrigues in straight sets 6-3 6-4. The Spaniard could have been a tough customer as she took a bagel set off the Serenanator several weeks ago in Madrid. However, clearly that was due to a drop in form from the American more so than the Spaniard being that good.

Trying to find her 2011 French Open form again is LiNaLi

4th seed Bratzwanska will join her sister in the 2nd round as she quite quickly destroyed Shahar Peer of Israel with 2 breadsticks 6-1 6-1. Peer has most definitely lost her way in this sport of tennis and it would do well for her to find her form again and find it real soon. Meanwhile, Bratzwanska, no stranger to fashion faux-pas decided that blondes have more fun and coloured her hair. I do not know what inspired this change but I wish she will soon be inspired to change it back. It is not a cute look. Accept that you are not the prettier sister and just work on your game.

It was definitely a dumb move to be blond Bratzwanska

10th seed Wozniacki aka Danish Biscuit aka Mrs. Mcilroy came into the French Open riding high on a 6 match losing streak. She has not won a single match all clay court season. By right, she can take the retirement from Andreas Petkovic in Charleston as a win though no actual point was played. Petkovic pulled out before the start of the match. Nonetheless she has not been her usual self as of late and to add more fuel to the fire, she has finally decided yet again to part ways with daddy Piotr as coach. Let us see how long this will last. However, in the immediacy, she finally won a match. So there might be hope for her after all. Anyway, Woz was playing a very dangerous player in the form of Laura Robson of Great Britain. However, Danish Biscuit had something to prove and she simply crushed Robson 6-3 6-2. No place like the present at a major to find your form and win matches.

Considering a lot of the nonsense Danish Biscuit has worn throughout the ages, it is really tough for me to say that this outfit is the ugliest. Why is Stella still designing??

Gosh to be sucking more than Danish Biscuit must really sucks!

2nd seed Shriekapova was her usual early-in-a-major-dominant-self, surrendering only 3 games to her opponent. We are never worried about Shriekapova getting to the 2nd week of a major. The issue is always her ability to come up with an effective game plan against a quality opponent whilst in the latter rounds. Nonetheless, for now, she will move on comfortably. Other notable players through to the 2nd round are 15th seed Roberta Vinci, 8th seed Carebear Kerber who dispatched her compatriot Moaning Mona Barthel, 2010 French Open winner Francesco Schiabone, 20th seed Carlo Suarez-Navarro, Serbian Bojana Jovanovski (I heart her) and Kuzi-Rex knocked out the 22nd seed and fellow Russian Makarova. This does not really count as an upset since Kuzi is the far more talented of the two and 2009 French Open champ.

Thanks for coming gurl. The exit is left and you can pick up the loser cheque on your way out!

17th seed Sloane Stephens is also through to the 2nd round and will be joined fellow Americans 29th seed Varvarne Lepchenko, Vania King (Saw Clown) Melanie Oudin (yes that Melanie), Bethanie Mattek-Sands and Madison Keys. Christina McHale lost to some girl I do not even know. She was the only American playing that did not go through today. Pretty impressive from the American girls. The lone upset on the ladies side had to come from Julia Georges, the 24th seed. She got bounced in straight sets 6-7 0-6 by a qualifier, Zuzana Kucova. I do not know what to say about Georges. Others will say it is physical injuries hampering her game but I would say, it is more likely brain damage. She is just another case of those young guns on tour just shooting blanks.

Sloane is being more tight lipped these days after her verbal diarrhea attack against the Serenanator

Divadal almost got pegged in the 1st round

Things were far more interesting on the men’s side today than on the ladies. I have to say that so far after 2 days of play at the French, I have enjoyed quite a number of matches far more so than usual. Anyway, I digress. Divadal found himself facing a possible 2 set to love deficit at the hands of my baby Daniel Brands of Germany. Brands is not a particularly super talented player. However, he can be quite spectacular if he plays his game and did he ever today. That forehand of his was absolutely SEXY and he was beating Divadal for pace and down the line with that shot. Brands took the 1st set 6-4 and was up 3-1 in the 2nd set tiebreaker. However, he got a bit ahead of himself and Divadal finally decided to hit the panic/escape button in this nightmare of a match he was having. He wrested control of the match, snatching the tiebreaker then breaking Brands at the beginning of both 3rd and 4th sets to claim victory and begin his walk home to his 8th French Open crown. Lord Clay Divadal 4-6 7-6 6-4 6-3.

You’re so beautiful Daniel! I know but we’re not a match

Wildcard entrant Gael Monfils upset Tomas Berdych 5th seed in 5 sets. I mean seriously this is not really an upset of sorts but Monfils is coming off a long layoff from the game. However, he was really magnificent against the Czech. Monfils aka Beetlejuice in these parts has been known to be a regular wild card on the court. He was an impressive junior (almost won the grand slam of junior titles but injury finished him off at the US Open). Beetlejuice has been one of the few junior players as of late to transition from boys to men quite seamlessly. The issue with him though is that he always seemed to be about theatrics and actual tactic on the court. However, some time ago at the Australian Open if I am not mistaken when he was injured and played against Mikhail Kukushkin, Beetle showed a level of maturity I thought I would never see from him. He fought so bravely in that match and despite losing it, he gave it his all. He impressed me on that day and today, he went even further. It was a quality match between the two with some spectacular shots and wonderful plays.

Beetlejuice showing heart. However, we have no idea WTF he’s wearing. I don’t know if it is an ugly sweater or a hideous shirt. But for once we can say, his hair is looking really nice!! BTW, you got dropped by NewBalance? Really? Things were that bad out there in the wilderness of injury?

Nonetheless, Berdych acted as though Monfils owed him the match and refused to seize the money. He got ahead of himself and got broken in the 5th set to have Monfils serve out the match. Monfils served extremely well, being broken once. I know the French are all ecstatic with win because no one energizes them like Monfils. But the French need to be checked because Monfils is not winning this thing. It was a good/excellent win but let us not get crazy now. He just beat Berdych okay and to be quite frank, knowing Berdshite like I do, he can lose to anyone like that; not to take anything away from the Frenchman. Monfils 7-6 6-4 6-7 6-7 7-5

H&M is your endorsement deal? WTF is going on in the world today? Is this a sign of the harsh economic times. You are working with European K-Mart. The ATP should have some kinda quality control about these kinda things.

6th seed Tsonga won his match quite easily as did his countryman Richard Gasquet (7). They went through to the 2nd round as did Julian Benneteau (30) who looked to have lost the plot at one point after being up 2 sets to love and 5-1 I think in the 3rd but he got it together late in the 4th set, taking it in the breaker. Jarko Nieminen of Finland halted the French wave by knocking out Paul-Henri Mathieu in 5 sets. 11th seed Nicolas Almagro won his match in 4 sets (This Spaniard might need an intervention soon because I think he is hanging out with Tabasco Verdasco too much as of late). Ernest Gulbis also won and will face Monfils in the 2nd round. Up and coming Jerszy Janowicz (21) also won as did Lukas Rosol (last man to beat Divadal at a major). Other winners include 32nd seed Tommy Robredo (on the comeback tour) and 27th seed Fabio Fognini (that hot Italian sausage). Marin Chin Cilic (10) and Kei Nishikori (13) will be in the 2nd round as will John Isner aka BFG and fellow American Ryan Harrison.

Is Tsonga also working as a ball boy at these championships?

By way of upsets we have Juan Monaco, the 17th seed who cannot seem to get his tennis life together much these days. Mr. Divadal Ex was up 2 sets to love but then decided that winning the match might not be what he wanted to do right that instance. I guess as his opponent was Spaniard, Daniel Gimeno-Traver, he was having some kinda of Divadal flashback because he clearly checked out. Spanish boys seem to be his kryptonite. Juanito boo, get your shite together! It is over between you and Divadal. You knew that he was not going to commit to you and shave his beard. It hurts but let that go and move on. Let me tell you, the best way to get over someone, is to get under someone else. And my name is Someone Else okay! I can deal with leftovers if you are what is being microwaved. I’m just saying okay.

Daniel Gimeno-Traver got Monaco’s head all wrapped up. I mean he is not an ugly guy, albeit better looking than Divadal but there are certainly hotter Spanish men out there.

In other news, an Aussie youngster Nick Kyrgios took out Shark Boy Radek Stepanek in straight sets all in tiebreaker. Now that is remarkable from the 18-year-old especially against a veteran solid player like Stepanek. American Rhyne Williams lost in the 3rd and final stage of qualifying to get into the main draw of the French Open. However, due to a late withdrawal, he was entered as a “Lucky Loser” into the draw. Funny thing was that he was not so lucky as he would be facing the same guy who beat in the qualies and he would lose to him again. I am sorry Rhyne but the upside is that you still get a decent cheque for losing in the 1st round of main draw but get jack shite for losing in the qualies at any stage.

Djoker vs Goffin

Anyway, that is about it for major happenings on Day 2 at the French Open. Day 3 will see the conclusion of all the 1st round matches. Djoker Harlequeen (1) will begin his assault for claiming his 1st French Open title as does Vickie. Both may have tough customers on their hands by way of David Goffin of Belgium (almost stretched Mr. Federer to the limit last year at the French) and the Russian Elena Vesnina (knocked Venus out of 1st round of Wimbledon). However, I am not worried about either player. Petra Kvitova aka GHW (Grand High Witch) that enigma of anomalies will also play. No one is entirely sure which Petra will show up on court tomorrow, not even Petra. So watch out for that match against Rezai, there might be an upset there. The only comfort Petra can have is that Rezai is capable of playing worse even when her opponent is clearly struggling. Sam D’Stove Stosur (9), 2010 French Open finalist will also open her campaign tomorrow as do Delicious Dimitrov, Stan Wawrinka (9) who is battling injury, Tabasco Verdasco, Fatoli Bartoli (13) and Tommy Haas (12). I do not see much of an upset happening tomorrow though I do think that Nicolas Mahut will beat Douchsarevic in 4-5 sets. Also one has to wonder about the rains in Paris as we have had two lovely days of play so far.

REALZ MIXED BAG PHOTOS

The Hotties

Jerzy Hotness in full effect

Ah mon Cher Brandy. Poetry in Motion

Petzschner is definitely trending in my mind right

Oh Robin Haase…the hot flying Dutchman. I’ll set sail with you any day…

Fognini got me seeing all cloudy right now and I am close to precipitating all over the place. Way too much condensation for one man!

The Notties

Beetlejuice was playing so beautiful yesterday that I forgot how unpretty he is. But then I saw this and it’s All coming back to me now!

Melanie Oudin what’s going on gurl? You are dressed like a butternut squash while looking like a cabbage patch doll!

The Feminine Mystique? Someone get this girl some ribbons or something quick. I mean seriously, why does Carlo look like this? Though I have to say that the colour looks really nice on her.

Kuzi-Rex WTF is this shite? I would have said it was impossible before but you are wearing a nursery rhyme.

I saw this picture of Kuzi-Rex at Elena Dementieva’s wedding and I had to share it. I do not even know where to begin but Kuzi is really giving Big Gurl Butch/Fem Queen Realness all in one! The SHOES! The DRESS! The HAIR! SMH

Other Realz Shots

I think hers is bigger than yours Divadal

Carebear Kerber is so pumped up and so is her —-!!!

Wimbledon 2012: Day 2

Realz coming at your from the grass courts of Wimbledon

There was a contest on Centre Court yesterday between GHW (Grand High Witch) aka Petra Kvitova, reigning Wimbledon ladies champ and Argul Amanmuradova. It was not a beauty contest by any stretch of the imagination but we are not here in England to settle superficial disputes; we are here to play sports. GHW started off badly enough down 1-4. However, she got her life together and won the match 6-4 6-4! Title defense in full effect…and we are back on the broom. Kvitova has not played well on regular tour level events but she has made it to the semis of the last two majors. So she will not be one to slight over at these championships.

Grand High Witch Kvitova

Amanmuradova looking like a dementor with her huge self or perhaps Madame Maxime

Mere happenstance that this famous author is on hand to watch GHW match?…Hmmm

Vera Zvonareva who had to complete her 1^st round match today and took out Moaning Mona Barthel 6-4 in the 3^rd set. The 2010 Wimbledon finalist is struggling to regain the sort of form that saw her as a regular fixture in the 2^nd week at majors. The Serenanator and Vickie also had their 1^st round matches today and they both made it look like work. They won the 1^st comfortably but in the 2^nd they were struggling though they both won it 6-4. I for one think Vickie should go back to her shorts and the Serenanator, hopefully she saw a shrink or some exorcist to help deal with the demons that run amok in her life as of late.

The Serenanator trying to find her way back to major winning form

Other winners include, Schiabone who found herself in a tough battle against British youngster, Laura Robson. And speaking of British ladies, Anne Keaothavong won another match 6-3 6-3. Finally! Apparently, my lil rant during the French Open help or perhaps, it is the Olympics coming to town that has these British gals trying to give the home crowd something to cheer about as Elena Baltacha also won. Both Baltacha and Keaothavong got wild card entrants into the Olympics games. Personally, I would have given one of those wild cards to Heather Watson and the other perhaps to Robson. I think Watson is the only one of the British gals who appear as though their main interest is tennis.

Yeah I finally won a match at a major this year

Aleksandra Wozniak aka Cookie Monster’s lil sister won as did Fattychunkova, Fatoli who is definitely losing weight, American Christina McHale who is never trustworthy with a lead but found a way to win today. She will join fellow American Lepchenko and Wickmayer who beat Kuzi-Rex. Now, you know I am not a huge fan of Kuzi-Rex but I do not hate her. However, she really gets me mad. I do not understand why it is that she is playing so poorly as of late. There is no effort on her part these days and it is really disgusting to see a two time major winner who is not suffering from any known aliments, act as though she just got on the tour. Really disappointing.

Hmmm I change my mind… he looks more like an ostrich and they got small brains but he might do in a pinch. It looks like something milky is leaking out of your mouth…hmmm

On the men’s side, well things started to get interesting when Thomaz Bellucci raced off to a 4-0 lead over Lord Dirt Divadal. The Brazilian is a brilliant young talent but you know how these young guns often times shoot blanks. No sooner did Beaulucci (I saw recent pictures of him and I am not so sure I am feeling him much anymore. I will pass!) anyway… no sooner did Bellucci get the double break than he gifted them right back to Divadal. He was able to push to a tiebreaker where the shite show continued. Bellucci did not win a single point in the tiebreaker and only won 5 more games for the rest of the match. Divadal 7-6 6-2 6-3. Now it might seem that Divadal has fashioned himself Bjorg hier apparent and takes Wimbledon very seriously. He has made it to the finals 5 times, winning the title twice. He is not here foro shits and giggles and he intends to lay waste to all who comes in his way. D’Joker Harlequeen is no longer the threat that he was last year. In their last 4 meetings, Divadal won 3 of them albeit they were all on clay. Nonetheless, he is looking for his 12^th major title and perhaps closing in on Mr. Federer’s record 16.

Lord Dirt Divadal with his face all contorted as though he has muscular dystrophy.

Lochness Monster had his 1^st round match against the one time top player Nikolay Davydenko. Not so long ago, Davydenko was a feared individual capable of silencing any and all of the top men. Now, he is a mere white shadow of himself, struggling to win tour level matches much more those at majors. Lochness Monster chewed him up 6-1 6-1 6-4. Baby Ali aka Tsonga faced the 2002 Wimbledon champion in Hewitt. However, on the 10^th year anniversary of his victory, Baby Ali gave the Australian a gift of time but sending him off in the 1^st round for celebrations 6-3 6-4 6-4. And speaking up 2002, Hewitt is currently ranked 202 and I believe, with lost, he might be playing challengers next week. Perhaps he might consider retiring and helping Beth with the kids. In any case, most fanz would not miss him…I know I won’t. He could also mentor that hog of a child in Bernard Tomic. Someone needs to reign in that douchebag before he spills all over the place.

Lochness Monster thinks this might be the year for him!

And speaking of the idiot, he played David Goffin, the very same one who gave Mr. Federer all sorts of trouble at the French. Tomic won the 1^st set 6-3 but from then all, the Hobbit worked his magic and claimed the next three 6-3 6-4 6-4. With these Aussie losses, it means no Australian man is in the 2^nd round of a major. I believe that may not have ever happened… LOL actually, it has not happened in a long long time. However, before I got on a rampage on Australian tennis, consider that the US hardly has any strong male contenders these days and Switzerland only in essence have Mr. Federer and Fatanka. I think Australia is struggling with its own history and they should consider addressing this problem more proactively instead of hoping for the next Laver or Rafter to rise up out of the rashes of their once former tennis empire.

B gurl, might I suggest a cup because you surely need to tuck. I can offer you a thimble because from the looks of things, we all know you are not nimble. At first I thought it was a tick then I realise, boy it’s your dick. It won’t take long because gurl…you sure ain’t hung..looks more like you got stung! So put your dong in a thong because we don’t want to see it around.

Beast Boy Del Potro won his match as did Delicious Dmitriov. Marin Cilic, Fatdatis, Dolgopolov aka BWLLAGWLLAB, Nieminen who took out the hotness in FeFe Lopez, Mardy Fish, Kei Nishikori, Nicolas Almagro and Philipp Kohlschreiber who took out Tommy Haas, 2012 Halle winner over Mr. Federer, in 5 sets. So all in all, this day did not really see any major upsets like the 1^st day did. The usual suspects are through to the 2^nd round and still the 3^rd day is set to start and all the 1^st round matches have not been completed.

Oh delish Dimi

My word… I need to learn Spanish… FeFe Lopez is definitely incentive enough… Muy muy bueno y caliente

You just want one night with me? For realz, I would turn your world upside down!

When will Wimbledon learn about scheduling in light of the fact that matches are getting longer and the slightest bit of rain halt matches completely? These majors are overdoing a good joke but we do not have time for this right about now. Do not forget to comment and spread the word about us.

Is this Mirka with another man? Scandal! Scandal! While Mr. Federer is off on the practice courts, you shacking up with some man who reeks of poverty. Skank!

What do you mean I can’t change my bra on court? I am motherfcuking Lord Dirt Divadal. I can do whatever I want.

Look at that beautiful uncomfortable smile. D’Stove as always looking like she’s about to take a shite…

I’m sorry I can’t hear you. Some man is cursing me out…

Yes I am talking to you, you stinking motherfcuker with the purse. Turn off your fcuking phone when I am playing. I’ll whip my dcik out and bitch slap you with it.

We are up and running Down Under! Aussie Open 2012 Day 1

It has been months since I have updated this blog. It is quite shameful. Perhaps I should do video blogs or something, make my life easier. However, I cannot do the photos bit and then my entire anonymity is shot to piece. It’s 2012, and I promise to get my “life” together and serve you more. I am not going to make promises. Or perhaps maybe I should. Anyway, let us not waste time dealing with trivial matter. WELCOME TO THE 2012 REALZ AUSSIE OPEN COVERAGE. It will not get any better than this. I want to also thank my Facebook Fanz. They have been tremendous and have kept RealzTenisFanz current. Will give special shoutouts in later blog postings.

So we are in Melbourne for 2 weeks!!

Anyway when we last spoke, we were at Day 6 of the 2011 US Open and you do not need me to tell you what happened. The Serenanator made it to the final and self destruct on court handing Sam “D’Stove” Stosur the title in convincing fashion. I am not a huge fan of Stosur but she is quite pleasant and was extremely happy for her. After the disappointment of the 2010 French Open, she was determined to win a major and she did so. Kudos for Stosur, though the rest of her year was dismal.

You would think that she wasn't happy about the win!

As for the menz, well Mr. Federer totally let me down, having two match points on his own serve and gave D’Joker Harlequeen the victory again in another semifinal. I pointed out on Facebook that in 2009, Mr. Federer played Harlequeen in the US Open semifinal and he won. However, he was hotdogging (showing off) all over the place including on match point. He went on to the final but lost to Juan Martin Del Potro aka Beast Boy. Since then, Mr. Federer has never won another US Open title nor beaten D’Joker at the Open. Hubris, look it up and I think you might see Mr. Federer’s face there. Now, you all know I love me some Mr. Federer; he is my psychic twin. However, Mr. Federer got a lil lesson in humility. Anyway, I am not bashing my “boo” but it would not be love if I could not see the faults as well. Anywho, we not really here for that. So Harlequeen made it to the finals where he faced Mr. Divadal who had demolished Lochness Monster in another semifinal. Now, I picked Harlequeen to win though all other fanz imagined that Mr. Divadal would have pulled through. Of course I was right. Fanz, it was a demolition of psyche and physicality as D’Juggernaut just batted Mr. Divadal around the place as if he were a mere child coming to play a man’s game. I know loads of Mr. Divadal’s fanz will disagree with my assessment but I assure you, D’Juggernaut was the won dictating play on court and Mr. Divadal had absolutely no answer despite having lost to him in 5 previous finals.

His first US Open title

So in the end, 4 different women won majors; Mommie Dearest (Aussie) LiNaLi (French) Kvitova aka Grand High Witch [GHW] (Wimbledon) and Sam D’Stove Stosur (US Open) and two men won the majors; Harlequeen (Aussie, Wimbledon and the Open) and Mr. Divadal (French). All of the women basically fell off the map after their win though Kvitova came back strong at the very end of the year, winning a regular tour title and the Year ending championships. For men, Harlequeen was up and down though he had nothing to prove as she had clearly established himself as THE NUMBER ONE. Lochness Monster was a stealth ninja as he cleaned up the Asian tour including serving up a 6-0 set against Mr. Divadal in Japan if I am not mistaken (I am rushing this edition so if there be any mistakes on stats not viewpoints, comment and I will rectify) Lochness crashed out in Paris but Mr. Federer showed his usual end of year flair by winning Paris as well as taking the end of year championships for the 6^th time. He also got to reclaim number 3 in the world. All in all 2011 was a very good year for tennis in particular on the men’s side. I of course am happy that Kvitova being a “young gun” won a major which I hope will signal a changing of the tide for the ladies. Of course they can scramble for majors as long as Serenanator and Ebony Starr are not around. I will allow for an Azarenka to win a major because I so heart her.

Anyway let’s get to the results of Day 1 for the ladies.

Vickie Azarenka got things under way against Heather Watson of Britain. Watson who I swear is the doppelganger for Santana on Glee was just manhandled or should I say womanhandled.

Heather Watson or should I say, Wantana??

Naya Rivera secret sister of Heather Watson?? Someone better talk to their parents about this matter. Too similar in my book.

Watson won her first game and I believe had break point in Vickie’s first service game. However, that did not matter because Vickie just went on a tear winning 12 straight games. Watson was competitive throughout but she simply did not have the weight of shot to contend with the number 3 player in the world. I like Watson because I find her temperament as well as her attitude on court is much more enjoyable than the other British girls (Robson, Baltacha, Keothavong) and she is the youngest if I am not mistaken with a determination to get better. I really like that. Anyway, Vickie was through 6-1 6-0.

Vickie just might be ready to take her spot at number one this year

Other winners include Na Li who might just go all the way this year after making a semi in 2010, final in 2011 and with major win experience, might just claim it all in 2012. However, there are other players who might want to stop that including defending champ Mommie Dearest, Jelena “Fivehead Jungle Witch” Jankovic, Francesca Schiabone, Julia Goerges, Shuai Peng, Daniela Hantuchova and the top ranked player, Danish Biscuit. And while we are on the subject of Danish Biscuit, let me just say that though I never hearted this Cookie, I never loathed her either. I respected her ability to be consistent and never once spoke disparagingly about her rise to number 1 though I spoke about my feelings that she may never win a major. Anyway, this lil biscuit has really been grating me as of late. Besides the fact that I have to hear her going on about her lil golf boo every chance she gets (honey Rory Mcllroy got a major. You don’t. You are not a major winner because you sleep with one. Nope, doesn’t work like that. And while we are in the brackets, I should mention that lil heart pendant with the Danish flag that he gave you for a Christmas present, boo, it’s a bloody souvenir. You got a tourist trinket for Christmas. I would not be publicizing that. We might be interested when he start giving you real diamonds, tennis bracelets etc, otherwise just STFU about it already)

I suspect 3 Euros at Copenhagen International Airport??

Now, she puts out that she got this wrist injury before her 1^st round match and may not be able to finish her etc etc. Now you are thinking, the number one player will be out early with injury (not that she was in anyway contending for the title) Then she comes 6-2 6-1 over her opponent. Really DB?? We are resorting to these silly tactics now?? You need to grow up with this sorta nonsense. You do not need to create news for yourself. You need headlines, win a bloody major already.

Looking like a Bic highlighter on court and it's high day time.

Anywho, Agie Radwanska fought off a tough challenge by American Bethanie Mattek-Sands who I felt had a chance to win the match but of course seemed to be all over the place except on the tennis court. I know some people think that she has a unique style of playing and she is charismatic and all that jazz but really and truly at the end of the day, her tennis sorta sucks. A bit harsh but she runs around the court as if she is sucking on acid pops, though considering her outfit choices, one may feel that that is indeed the case. However, she has great potential or perhaps had it. She had Radwanska by the jugular and simply released her hold on her. If Mattek-Sands is what the US is offering as possible future of their women’s game, they might as well forget about another major champion for a long time.

What?? Is it meatballs calling me??

By way of upsets, Flavia Penne Pasta Pennetta (19^th seed) lost to Nina Bratchukova (Yeah, even I don’t know who she is) in three sets. Penne Pasta looked well over cooked early throughout the match and was dished out of the tournament. Yanina Wickmayer (28^th seed) was also knocked out by Galina Voskoboeva of Kazakhstan. Christina McHale another hopeful champion or the US took out 24^th seed Lucie Safarova aka Lady Gollum aka Former Mrs. Tomas Berdych. Since Lurch “upgraded” to his new model, Safarova has not been looking well at all. She lost in straight sets 6-2 6-4. I guess it is a good time as any to mention that Ebony Starr aka Venus Williams will not be at the Aussie Open. She pulled out against citing her energy sapping condition. She “promises” to be back on tour this February. Also out is Andrea Petkovic who incidentally, Ebony Starr pulled out against in the 2nd round last year at the these Aussie Open. She will be out for several months if I am not mistaken. And while we are on older ladies, Date Krumm, Granny Goodness lost in the first round.

So who are my picks for this Aussie Open. Hmmm, I will say it is a tossup between four players. On the top half, I am with Mommie Dearest (though I hope not) or Vickie Azarenka. On the bottom half, I am favouring Grand High Witch (GHW) aka Petra Kvitova or the Serenanator. Kimmie looked rather rusty in her first set though winning 7-5 as she is not the type to be losing that many games in a first round so I put an asterisk to her name. Vickie seems to be getting progressively better each year and she has the luxury of not facing the Serenanator until possibly the finals. My dark horse pick will be LiNaLi who has steadily progressed each year. 2010 semis, 2011, finals, 2012 champion??? Hmmm we shall see.

LiNaLi might just be your 2012 Aussie Open champ

On the men’s side,

Easy, breezy Mr. Federer!

Mr. Federer and Mr. Divadal won comfortably as can be expected. There was no fuss about their wins and they are through to the 2^nd round. Del-Potro aka Beast Boy started off rather shaky and seemed to be packing it up for Buenos Aires but he brought out his mammoth size forehand and was back in the game, winning in 4 sets. Berdych aka Lurch, he too, looked shaky but also came through in 4 sets.Other winners include Wawrinka, Mardy Fish (8^th seed), Nicolas Almagro (10^th seed), Fefe Lopez, Sam Querry aka the Grinch, Tommy Haas, Ivo Karlovic, a dangerous floater who took out Jurgen Melzer (31^st seed I think)  and Olivier Rochus (another dangerous floater). Alexandr Dolgopolov (boy who looks like a girl who looks like a boy) won in 5 sets after being down 2 sets to love. I really like Dolgo but I fear his concentration in matches is lacking. He is very Zen-like it seems on court but I suspect that calm state might be that there is no one at home at times. He has checked out for a bit. When he is on, he is capable of playing outstanding tennis and he is one of the young players I feel can really make some noise on the tour in years to come. Fatdatis also won as did Nalbandian. Young American Donald Young won in 5 sets though I feel he will not progress past the 2nd round. However, good win.

Tabasco Verdasco is looking like a spicy buffalo wing with mustard and hot sauce on top

The more interesting match I guess of the 1^st day was Fernando Tabasco Verdasco taking on Aussie Bernard Tomic. Now Verdasco was red hot taking the first two sets. Then Tomic called out the trainer for cramps. However, one commentator on EuroSport later stated that Tomic was “faking it” Whatever the case, who really had the cramp out there was Verdasco who lost the match in 5 sets 6-4 7-6 4-6 2-6 5-7. Verdasco is a really good player and can really contend with the best of them. He is capable of being a top 6 player in the world. However, I guess fame got to his game and he has been slipping as of late especially in his fashion game. That orange soda outfit he had on was disgusting. I took comfort in the fact that he is out and I do not have to see it again. Verdasco needs to get his head back in the game.

Tomic of Australia..is that a muffin top I see there or am I hating?? You know we never hate on the skinny itches around here.

So who are my picks for the men….well actually, it is not much picks as oppose to my picK which would have to be D’Joker Harlequeen. Confidence does not describe the high this guy is one and truth be told, he is playing the best tennis out there. The others are definitely scrambling to catch up. Many have asked, can D’Joker keep it up? Well he is a virtual D’Juggernaut and why not? Mr. Federer and Mr. Divadal were dominating for a time so why not D’Joker. So really, I think he can make some more noise again this year especially at the majors. So who is 2^nd, I will say Mr. Federer. Mr. Divadal is not confident. There is something a bit off about him to me but I know his fanz will have my head for this. However, if he and Mr. Federer were to meet in the semis as they are on the same side of the draw, Mr. Federer will be the victor. And what about the Lochness Monster? Well, he needs a psychologist more so than a new coach in the form of Ivan Lendl. Will be interesting to see what he does this year for I do fear that if Murray does not win a major this year, it will be a “No chance in hell” he can win one in the future. Anyway, I think that’s about it for this edition THOUGH I am very late as usual. Dark horse picks and these are Black Beauty dark, Baby Ali Tsonga and Juan Martin Beast Boy Del Potro. I need an assistant!!

HOTTIE Benoit Paire of France. OUI OUI OUI

Daniela is giving us CoverGurl! Wurk!!!

Hmmm sir, you are aware that you're wearing a skirt right??

Arabasque Mr. Divadal. I always knew you had fancy feet!

You are a girl right??

Excuse! Gurl, I don't do that!....Anymore...well not on Mondays

And M is for Munching all the time...

We have all seen this before. We know the likely outcome. Gaynesia is about to take hold. Who knew there were daywalkers among us?? I mean D and Y have you all ever seen the sun before?

Day 5 at the US Open 2011

Hey fanz, I know this posting is coming well off schedule but I am really tying to get things done as quickly as possible. So, we are going to go straight into the action. Maria Shriekapova was up against Flavia Pennetta aka Penne Pasta Pennetta. Shriekapova is seeded 3rd at these championships and is heavily favored by the “pundits” to win this title behind the Serenanator. LOL. Let me try to catch my breathe a minute here ……..okay ready. We here are RTF believe that the Russian gets far more hype than she richly deserves and people are not willing to look at the facts and stats of her play. Yes, she is aggressive and is very mentally tough. Behind the Serenanator, Maria is a tough tough cookie. However, being a tough cookie and not being delicious is really a waste in the end. It’s like having the mental fortitude of a Shaolin monk but when it comes to the fight you packing a punch like a baby. So when things got underway in the match, I was not surprise to see that Pennetta was up 4-0 in the first set. What I was looking for was to see whether Penne Pasta could hold it together because Maria was not going to wilt out on the court and sure enough in no time, Shriekapova won 3 straight games. The Italian sensing the need for urgency then closed out the set 6-3. Maria who was 3 match point down, played one of the most ridiculous volleys I have ever seen in my life. A 10-year-old rookie to the sport would have done a way better job. Maria only won 11 of 26 service points. How far does one expect to get with this level of play?

Painful grimace knowing that she has to serve

Anyway, Shriekapova came back roaring and took the second set 6-3 making things interesting for the 3rd set. However, Pennetta have done relatively well here at the Open being the major where she has had the most success. She is an older girl and unlike Heather Watson in the 1st round, she has game and experience and was not going to allow herself to be bullied and screamed out by the Russian. Pennetta held form as Maria’s lack of service ability showed it in true colors. Yes I know she has had shoulder surgery but that was ages ago and she really needs to go back and correct her form. She will not win another major with this sorta of playing. She has largely benefited from a weak WTA tour and at the end of the day, the better players win out. Anyway, she lost the match like I predicted 4-6 and was out of the Open in the 3rd round. She barely won 50% of her service points for the entire match and had 60 errors with no aces and 12 double faults. Had she been playing a Serenanator, she would have been pulverized out on the court.

Penne Pasta Pennetta was spelling danger danger in red for the Russian Maria Shriekapova

Anyway in other wins, Maria Kirilenko made short work of American Christina McHale as did Sabine Lisicki who barely broke a sweat as she destroyed the other American Irina Falconi 6-0 6-1. Zvonareva is also looking good as she makes a bid to get back to the finals as she did last year. Sam D’Stove Stosur took out Nadia Petrova in what was a really tough match 7-6 6-7 7-5. They were both playing to lose but in the end Petrova blinked and Sam won the match. I have to say that despite Petrova wearing a hideous outfit, she is in good shape. No longer Fatrova.

Falconi certainly was not ready for the onslaught that was Lisicki

Lady Gollum is not a happy camper today for sure

Monica Niculescu beat…sorry I mean, dismantled Lucie Safarova aka Mrs. Tomas Berdych aka Lady Gollum in a 6-0 6-1 result. That’s enough to make someone lay or the court for a couple of months. Julia Georges of Germany, an up and coming star of the WTA (well potential star) started nicely against Peng Shuai but you know that old saying, “only those with an injured foot will look to take an early lead” and the Chinese came back like a firestorm and took the match. It was not a real upset because the Chinese was seeded 13th whereas Georges was 17th or 19th if i am not mistaken….19th seed. I just checked it out. However, another German Angelique Kerber took up the slack for Georges and won her match to move into the 4th round.

I think I might have broken lil nicolas

In men’s action, who are still playing their 2nd round matches, it was yet another retirement for a top player. Divadal saw Mahut retire after being down 2-6 2-6. The Frenchman was not going to make it at all against Divadal but it made life easier for the Spaniard. Mr. Brooklyn Decker took out Jack Sock also from Nebraska I think in straight sets. Roddick is quietly going about the draw and is set to meet Divadal in the quarterfinals if they continue to win. John Isner, BFG, took out another American and will face Alex Bogomolov Jr, Russian transplant who won his match.

Haase was on fire against Lochness Monster

Lochness Monster looked like he was on the brink of being slain once again at a major when Robin Haase of the Netherlands quickly jumped to a 2-set to love lead. Murray could not do a thing right out on court. Haase had the answers and was up 7-6 6-2. He played out of his mind and it soon became apparent that he was playing out of his body as well as he called for the trainer and things went down him for him losing the match in 5 sets.

He was lost for 2 sets but he found his way to win the last 3

In other win, Beast Boy Del Potro took out his countryman in straight sets. However, I have to say that I did not like the way he played the last set. He looked very lethargic and was making uncharacteristic mistakes. I know he is trying to find himself out on court and return to the level where he was contending for majors but I am afraid he is some ways off that goal. I had hopes of him giving Nessie a run for his money but after seeing that match, I think he is going to find things hard against Gilles Simon of France who he faces in the next round.

Has the beast finally awoken??

Fiery Ferrer was blazing against Blake in the 2nd round

David Fiery Ferrer took out James Blake in a hurry as did Chin Chela of Argentina and FeFe Lopez who both easily won their matches. Actually Lopez went to a 5th set against a Canadian. David Nalbandian won his match and will face Divadal in the 3rd round. The surprise match of the day was Donald Young who took on Stanislav Wawrinka of Switzerland. Now Wawrinka is not in shape and really needs to lose that gut to be anywhere near his true potential and Young being fit, trim and simply sexual chocolate had the crowd squarely behind him.  The guy has game and pulled out all the stops as he took down the formidable Swiss in 5 sets. It really brought a much needed excitement to the USTA is looking for new male stars. Young will face Chin Chela in the 3rd round and I think Young stands a really great chance of winning that match.

Young is through to the 3rd round after taking out the 14th seed Wawrinka. You want some of this?? I most definitely do.

BIG PICTURE SHOW 

Hotties

For the Divadal lovers

Kirilenko is working it in pink

Sexual chocolate and he's more than legal at 22

A lil fire crotch here is Alex Bogomolov of the US. We do love the ginger snap

NOTTIES

I do not know what's going on with Nalbandian, he use to be a total hottie...now he's been demoted to the "unpretties"

See...back in the days he was up there on the hot scale even with the scruff

That's not muscles just plain ole fat on Wawrinka

Diego Junqueira of Argentina was Beast Boy's opponent in the 2nd round. I almost laughed out loud when I saw him. I thought for a minute I was at the rodeo looking at one of the clowns.

I realize they were being serious when no bull came out. WTF, you are FAT man. I can't even believe that you beat someone to get into the 2nd round

James Blake's not ugly but right about now, he's as pretty as a toadstool. He will still get it though.

MMIXED BAG

Praying to God to save her from her bad fashion. Don't let me every wear this horrible dress ever again

WOW this is impressive to say the least. He has game on and off the tennis court.

How many licks till you get to the center of a tootsie pop

Hungover is a killer

WTF Andy? On court in public and mixed company? A bit much now...just a tad bit too much