Aussie Open 2011: Preview and Predictions

The 2011 Australian Open is about to get on its way and yes RTFN would be there to give you hit by hit, shot for shot and round by round coverage over the next two weeks. That means I would be all booked up for the next two weeks. Anyway, this might be a short entry because it’s only to deal with the preview and prediction for this year’s tournament.

We start with the women: Serenanator has not played a single match since her victory at the 2010 Wimbledon in July. So she has been out for over five months and has announced that she will not defend her Australian Open title. She has claimed that she is still recovering from her foot injury sustained while at a bar in Germany during  last year’s World Cup celebration when she allegedly cut her foot. She has had two surgeries to deal with complications from the injury. There has been much speculation as to the validity of her injury and the time off. Now see the thing with the WTA and friends who be running their mouths about Serena, is that they do not have a consistent message. She is playing tennis and they are on her case going on about her being this way or that way. We even had Mario Carillo claiming that she should have been banned from majors because of her US Open 2009 semi-finals blow up on court. So now that she off the tour, you making noise about her not being there. Make up your bloody minds you people. I think the real truth of the matter is that they like having Serena around because she is the spark that gives WTA life and she is good for the ratings. It makes for good television when they are hating on Serena. However, the real truth of the matter and what people should be trying to figure out is WHY THE HELL WAS HOME GURL IN SOME BAR IN GERMANY, BAREFOOT?? Or was it that she was wearing paper maché shoes? I mean SERIOUSLY?? I don’t even have the strength to deal with this one. I put it for you fanz to comment and deal with that one.

I really have to pay $20 to get in?? How about we keep our @$$ home? But I can't hate for too long because only the Serenanator can work a booty.

Anyway back to the tennis. So with the Serenanator out of the tournament, that leaves a host of other players with a real good chance to win their first Aussie Open title or in the case of Justine “Cheating” Henin, win a second. The Serenanator has 5 Aussie Open titles (2003, 2005, 2007, 2009 and 2010) no doubt Melbourne is a second home for her though the Melbourne crowd was rooting for Cheating Henin last year. I digress again.. Anyway that leaves players like Mommie Dearest, Cheating Henin, Danish Biscuit, Venus Williams (I said we not calling her Crackhead anymore so I am trying to work up on a name…Hmmmmmm I think I got one but later for that) Sam “D’Stove” Stosur and Vera Zvonareva with a chance to win. You know, I am going to keep it realz with you people, I really think that the three real contenders are Mommie Dearest and Cheating Henin. They are the ones with the all court game and also the mental fortitude to win this thing.

2010 Finalist Cheating Justine can make it to the finals and be the 2011 Champion

I am not going to be foolish and speak much of Venus Williams but she too is capable of winning this tournament in straight sets, demolishing anyone who is placed as in front of her as an opponent. BUT she is also capable of losing in straight sets to some player who we have never heard of but inexplicably able to beat Venus Williams at a major.. The rebound ace surface is tailor-made for her game. However, I do not trust her and that fcuking serve. It’s a killer. If she wins, she wins and one just has to take her one round at a time. First round she has feisty Sara Errani of Italy. Venus has not played since the US Open semifinals loss to Mommie Dearest so she is really rusty. She played two singles matches in an exhibition tournament and lost them both. She said she wasn’t worried. What can I say, it’s Venus Williams. So in truth, I am not factoring in Venus Williams nor am I factoring her out of the mix. Let’s just put her in a special box and mark it, “Though we have Great Expectations, we know it’s only A Midsummer’s Night Dream”

See...this is how Venus and I be fighting...WTF with this hair? Is she really serious with this crap?

She is the only black woman I know capable of making weave look nappy and that ain't right. Plain ole WRONG!

The reason why one has to favor the Belgians, Mommie Dearest and Cheating Henin, is because they have both won majors in the past and Kim being the heavier favorite is a very good hard court player. She is in excellent shape, looking far fitter than she did before she popped a baby out. She has won the last major and definitely showed tougher grit than she has in the past. However, she lost inexplicable to Li Na/Na Li last week in straight sets after being up 5-0 in the first set. And last year, Nadia Fatrova just mopped the court with her 6-0 6-1 I think during the second round. So my comment about her being mentally tough might just work out for naught. Cheating Henin who again mysteriously disappears/appears on the tour is back and she is always a deadly player. She has a wicked backhand and an even more deadly forehand. Coupled this with the fact that she has inexplicable power for big shots, she can definitely beat anyone on tour. She has serving issues though so that might be her one liability and the same can be said of Kimmie too. However, Cheator is very aggressive and having made it to the finals last year, she will be wanting to claim the crown now that the Serenanator is not around. The Belgians however have tricky first round matches so they have to be on their guard very early Kim vs former number one player Dinara Safina aka Dinada Safina aka Marat Safin aka a total headcase who has lost her way in the wilderness that can be professional tennis and Cheating Justine vs. Sania Mirza of India.

Kim trying to get it together to win her first Australian Open title but I hope she isn't trying to do it in this hot mess Pepto Bismal pink.

As for the other ladies, I really do not think they stand much of a chance. But as we want to take up space, we will give them some mention of the sorts. No1 ranked Danish Biscuit like we said, she might be number one but she doesn’t have a number one game. She got no real weapons and she comes off like a real high schooler on court, as if she does not deserve to be here. She might have her hands full with the Argentine Gisela Dulko who can cause all sorts of trouble for people.

It takes a certain amount of balls to be Number One on the women's tour and the Danish biscuit thinks she has it.

No2 ranked Vera Zvonareva might sneak in there seeing as she now has confidence of some sorts but in her last two major finals; she got pummeled so I cannot really count her in. What’s even funnier is that No1 and No2 have yet to come close to winning a major. No3 is Kim and we already talked about her. No4 is Venus, we already talked about her too. No5 is Sam Stosur. I think she got really lucky by getting to the French Open finals where she could have won her first major tournament. She choked and she is not going to get that opportunity again. She got the home crowd on her side but she is going out by the 4^th round. No6 Francesa Schiavone, she is out by the 3^rd round. No7 Fivehead Jankovic…well she can be a dangerous floater but the star that she was in the past has already faded. She too is going to fall by the way side. No8 and No9 can be the most problematic Li Na/Na Li and Victoria Azarenka. They are my two dark horses of the women draw. Li Na/Na Li got the semis last year pushing the Serenanator to the two tiebreakers and Victoria has had the misfortune of playing the best tennis down under until but meets Serenanator. This time around for both ladies, there is no Serena so they might just do some real damage this time around. No10 is Shahar Peer of Israel but I assure you that the Red Sea would be parted again before Peer wins this Australian Open. Interestingly No11 Cheating Henin is really the clear favorite for many people and that’s saying something about the WTA and the real state of women’s tennis.

Li Na/Na Li looking ready and able to do some chop suey at the Aussie Open. Don't sleep on this for sure.

Watch out for the Azarenka, she loves the Land Down Under but she is looking a bit out of shape.

There are some other names like Nadia Petrova, Maria Shriekapova, Marian Bartoli, Svetlana Boynetsova, Ana Ivanovic who can cause some sort of trouble but at the end of the day, they not going to do anything to upset the natural order. Maria has won in Australia in 2008 but she is looking like a mere shadow of herself. I daresay if this year continues to be as dismal as the last couple of years, she is going to an Ana Kournikova and leave the tour. She is already engaged to some Russian NJ Nets basketball player. The WTA really needs to get these women to play better tennis because these days the tour just leaving me dull unless it’s a favorite playing. When it comes to men tennis, the quality is so much better. In the last 7 out of 8 major finals for women have all been beat downs of sorts for the losing opponents and it’s the veterans that are winning.  But anyway, I am not really looking for much excitement from the women. It’s the menz that’s going to have everyone and everything buzzing.

They can even walk on water

Even though the men would bring more excitement than the women, even their draw is a two-man race: Divadal and Mr. Federer. Divadal if he were to win this major would have all four majors in his hand at the same time giving him a Divadal Slam and not a Grand Slam, which has to be done in the same calendar year. Nevertheless, Rod Laver hateration or not, it would an amazing accomplishment. I know a lot of Divadal fanz would love to see this but I am with Lochness Monster on this one, I hope he does not achieve it at all. However, Divadal has won here before in 2009 and knows how to beat players especially Mr. Federer. However, Mr. Federer, who is in the bottom half of the draw, is the defending champion and he can be very tough to beat especially at the Aussie Open where he has been in the semi-finals or better since 2004 and has four titles. The invincibility shield that he once wore is no longer there but Mr. Federer is putting in the work and showing the effort out on court and is a very very dangerous contender. D’Joker who is in Mr. Federer’s side of the draw has to bring his A game if he wants to hang with Mr. Federer when or if they get to the semifinals. D’Joker has lost their two subsequent matches after the US Open semifinals failing to even win a set off Mr. Federer. I should mention that Beetlejuice, Mr. Decker and Stanislav Wawrinka are all in Mr. Federer’s quarter but look for Mr. Federer to be in the semifinals come what may. There are some dangerous floaters in D’Joker’s side of the draw such as the White Russian Nikolay Davydenko who took out Divadal in straight sets and also Tomas Berdych and Fernando “Tabasco” Verdasco who I think pushed Divadal to the limit in 2009 semi-finals after beating D’Joker. D’Joker has had little rest this off season but said he is ready for the Open. The match-ups on the men’s side are going to be thrilling.

The D'Joker is going to be all business this time around at the Aussie Open

On Divadal’s side of the draw, he has Lochness Monster looming as a potential semifinal opponent but he has to get through Robin Hood who is actually No4 in the world. Le Monster has dropped to No5 in the world. Divadal will have his hands full with dangerous floaters like his former boo Feliciano Lopez, Marin “Praying Mantis” Cilic and John Isner. The top half of the draw does have much drama in it but there is a sweet first round encounter between David Nalbandian and Lleyton “Dingo Dog” Hewitt. Now there is history between the two as far back as 2002 when they met in the Wimbledon finals and Lleyton won his last major title. Either player are at the place where they use to be a la 2002 and though the crowd would be behind their local favorite, Nalbandian is a tough tough opponent and he can beat anyone including the big 4 and/or 5. I guess we have to add Soderling to the mix seeing as he is legitimately No4 in the world. Anyway, I think Divadal should get to the semifinals but he has been complaining as usual. He lost to Davydenko a couple of weeks ago and claimed he had a fever all week long. Dividal is always complaining when he lose and his fanz..namely one particular fan who we shall not name, one Mr. Brown…Mr. K. Brown who is always coming up with an excuse whenever Divadal loses. For the love of sport, it’s a game and someone has to win and another loses. Sometimes even the best loses as well. Remember the GAME IS WON AND LOST ON THE FIELD. Ask the Patriots. Their 14-2 record does not mean shit at this point.

Lochness Monster be looking to lock up the title this time around for his first major title

Robin Hood might just all gangsta at the Aussie Open this year

I should mention that Beast Boy is back lurking in the draw…so watch out, the 2009 US Open Champion might

All in all, my final prediction is Kim/Justine for the women and Divadal/Mr. Federer though I am leaning for Mr. Federer but that could be personal bias working here. Anyway watch out for Day 1 coverage coming up in a few.

Kimmie and Divadal might be the last two standing 2 weeks from now. Has Kimmie become an ER nurse...what's with the scrubs??

OTHER PHOTOS: Preparing for the Open..

I got all the ballz in my court ladies... wanna join me

Venus I know people may not have an issue with camel toe but gurl I can see lips and that might be a bit too much

Divadal showing us his stuff. BTW why is his pants up so high?

Divadal chit-chatting with his former boo Feliciano Lopez

Baby Ali is back and healthy thus far

He deserves a second shot 😉

VIEWERS’ DISCRETION IS ADVISED

Wurk It GURLS!!

Gimme a hug gurl...haven't seen you in ages..

Let's do some light rubbing and touching before the match starts

You know what, I don't know what Dingo Dog and D'Joker doing here but WOW for D'Joker. WOW!

Like daughter, like mother... WTF Oracene?? Looking like you just pop out of the Wiz

Oracene's brother Cowardly, the Lion from the Wiz

US Open 2010 Day 2

I hope that the resurrection of the RTFNewzletter has brought joy to your souls yesterday and today. I know many were disappointed that I did not finish Wimbledon but let me say that there was not much to say. Serenanator routed Vera Zvonereva and Divadal took out Tomas Berdych but that’s old newz and we need to focus on this current major. However, some housekeeping issues. As always we are sponsored by www.comitium.tv The website has remained our sole corporate supporter and it is important that we show them our gratitude by logging on and let your political voice be heard. Nevertheless, I doubt many of you would since very few of you take the time to log onto realznewz blog and comment. However, I would excuse you for the next couple of days because I have not posted the latest editions to the website but by Friday the latest, we should be all caught up and you all better be up there posting comments. A very very very faithful subscriber, BW (not to be confused with Barbara Walters) approached me yesterday and expressed his concern for my mental health. He wondered if my prediction of She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named being crowned 2010 Women’s champion is a sign of relapsing into that vertiginous vortex of being a Venus Williams fan.  Now I still hold by my prediction but I assure you that there is no chance for a lapse. I am very judicious in my hateration and I do believe that my tennis expertise counts for something in these parts. I do not think it is fair to deny She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named accolades if she deserves them. Therefore, my choice was not an emotional one but I think logical. Nevertheless, knowing She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named, my choice might turn out to be purely mental. Anyway, I cannot think of anything else that I do need to mention at this time so I would press on with the tennis.

Did someone say there tennis today??? (I am slightly confused. So it’s a very humid and hot day and one decides to go to the US Open but instead of packing an umbrella, one packs a sweater and use that to block the sun?)

By the end of yesterday’s play, all the women’s first round matches were completed with a few on the men’s yet to start. Women’s play yesterday provided many interesting results. Fivehead aka Jelena Jankovic had to battle her way through to the second round as Simona Halep put up a fight but went down 4-6 6-4 5-7. Maria Shriekapova also struggled but found her game in the latter half of the match against Australian transplant Jarmila Groth 4-6 6-3 6-1. Many excuses in defense would be offered up by the “pundits” for Maria Shriekapova’s dismal play. However, those in the know and willing to speak about it, realize that despite Maria’s young age 23, she has already reached the peak of her game and is now on the down slope. Her game is not improving. Take last couple of weeks, she played Mommie Dearest in Cincinnati and I swear to you, she was kicking @$$. Mommie Dearest looked like she was aiming to go home to turn off the stove that she left on because she was being hurriedly dismissed. Then the rain came and suddenly, Shriekapova melted like the Wicked Witch of the West. Shriekapova then pulled out of Montreal citing injury and yesterday on Arthur Ashe stadium, she was not looking good at all. However, a win is a win and she is through to the 2^nd round. Carolina Wozniacki, Danish biscuit played late last night and she sure was trying to get off the court in a hurry as she took out her opponent 6-1 6-1. Vera Zvonereva also made light work of her opponent 6-2 6-1. She can be a dangerous floater especially at majors. Boynetsova won though she needed three sets to take out Date-Krumm who is pushing 40 years old. Other winners included Maria Kirilenko, Arazane Rezai aka Ms. Gold Lamé, Yanicka Witmayer of Belgium and American Bethanie Mattek-Sands who incidentally is married though not from Jersey (she married an insurance executive so you know she can play up the real housewife bit if she wants to). Several seeded players lost yesterday as well. Na Li/Li Na the 8^th seeded player and the 2010 Australian Open semi-finalist lost yesterday to Katheryna Bonderenko 6-2 4-6 2-6. This is an upset because I figured this was a good chance for the Chinese to show up her Australian result as being no mere fluke. Nadia Petrova aka Fatrova, the 17^th seed also lost yesterday as did Lucie Safarova the 26^th seed. With all that being said, thus far, only She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named, Danish Biscuit and Vera Zvonereva have played excellent tennis in the first round as all the others are looking very shaky. Danish Biscuit has played tons of tennis this summer and have signed up for doubles and we all know that by the end of the week she would be cooked like a Thanksgiving Day turkey.

Keeping the Fiveheads cool requires a lot of ice…

Onto the menz…

The menz ever attention-seeking, determined not to be outdone by the ladies, they decided to provide their own high stakes drama. D’Joker Harlequeen came close to defeat at the hands of his compatriot Viktor Troicki 6-3 3-6 2-6 7-5 6-3. It is incredible that a player of Harlequeen’s caliber struggling in this manner. However, I suspect that the D’Joker Harlequeen “catch-a-glad” being in NYC but boo, you missed the pride parade as it was back in June. So relax. Mardy “the former Whale” Fish also played an up and down match 6-0 3-6 4-6 6-0 6-1. David Nalbadian aka Mr. Federer’s former boyfriend, almost lost his match as he too was involved in a 5-setter but he was able to scrape through to the 2^nd round. Marcos Fatdatis who has had a great summer run this year is out of the US Open losing to Arnaud Clement, former runner-up at the Aussie Open in 2001, 3-6 6-2 6-1 4-6 5-7. This is another upset for Fatdatis has been really trying to keep his weight down but he is also losing that battle. James Flake Blake won his first round match, which I am sure might surprise many people. It is a shame as Flake Blake is a talented player though not great. However, he deserves a lot more than the bashings he has been receiving in press as of late. It should be noted that Flake Blake has tour record of disposing an opponent in 35 minutes several weeks ago. So lay off the man, he can play. Tommy Robredo would join his fellow Spaniards Feliciano Lopez and David Ferrer in the 2^nd round. Ernest Gulbis a very young talent lost to Jeremy Chardy of France yesterday as did Resident Ugly, Radek Stepanek (the man who led Martina Hingis to cocaine and Nicole Vaidasova to early retirement) who lost to Julian Benneteau of France.

Dude I think you are lactating.

That’s just gross. Get a BROssiere or a sports bra or something. How about some Slim Tees??

Featured matches includes Lochness Monster (Andy Murray) who would be playing his 1^st round match. Ana Ivanovic who is already into the third round as she quickly disposed Jie Zheng. It appears as though Ms. Fernando Verdasco as decided to mind the balls of tennis than those of Tabasco/Verdasco. Well she should know that there are plenty of person willing to keep them warm in the interim. In tonight’s featured matches, Mr. Brooklyn Decker and Mommie Dearest are scheduled to appear so tune into ESPN 2 for coverage.

PHOTO MIX BAG.

Hotties of the Day.

Looking all shady…you know we all have a things for the shady ones… (Felicano Lopez)

Ana Ivanovic of Serbia. Not a hottie but a cutie and plus she is getting some props for making a charge back up the rankings.

Shark Boy aka Radek Stepanek…I think tennis might not be the only sport he is into...watersports??

I am going to go to hell for this one but it was too good to pass…

Boynetsova meet your brother Mangalore….(I defy anyone to tell me there is no resemblance. It is cruel for me to point this out…very cruel but you know how the policy at RTFN… Tell the truth and shame the devil.)

MIXED BAG..

911: Hello this is 911. What is your emergency?
Caller: Get me the Fashion Police. There are serious crimes at Flushing Meadows. As a matter of fact call the Fashion Bureau of Investigations…this one is serious…

The Demented One looking like a big stick of Big Red chewing gum..

Nurse Jackie plays tennis too???

Contrary to popular, it is clear that she doesn't have any gay friends. No one should be without a homosexual friend in his/her life. Because when you don’t, you leave your house looking like a Home Depot paint sampler strip.

Why and how is Stella McCartney designing clothes?

Isn’t’ it immoral at this point?

It's a heat wave...burning inside

Goodness gracious...great ballz of fire

Seems like Mardy the former Whale Fish has himself some piranha twinks in his box.

Where the fcuk you think you going grandpa?? Give me that fcuking ball. Don’t make me hurt you…

Yesterday was Military Day at the Open and members of services/veterans got into the open here is one lovely couple…

Lady: I miss my baby so much… I am gonna eat him all up… Man: Can someone ship my @$ back to Iraq because she is serious…She is going to eat me.. (I think he is trying to blink SOS)

How to hit your balls between the legs….Thank you Mr. Federer for the masterclass..

RTFN BELIEVE OR NOT

He is going out with

Her...Francesca Perell...What a pretty beard

Don’t get jealous fellas…check out below.

She has to lick these feet

NEWS FLASH….

It has just been reported that Victoria Azarenka has retired from her match against Argentine Gisela Dulko after Azarenka collapsed on court. She was taken off court in a wheelchair. Despite hot and humid conditions, Ms. Azarenka decided that it was best to wear a black dress. Thus far all things seem fine and I am sure that in 9 months time, things should be back to normal. Part of the story from AP. See folks I know what I am talking about when it comes to tennis

NEW YORK – Victoria Azarenka collapsed and fell to the ground while chasing down a ball on the baseline and had to be taken off the court in a wheelchair Wednesday, 31 minutes into her match on another steamy day at the U.S. Open.

The 10th-seeded Belarusian was trailing Gisela Dulko 5-1 in the first set on the Grandstand court. The temperature had reached 90 degrees with 42 percent humidity by 11:30 a.m. On-court temperatures topped 100 degrees.

Tournament officials gave no immediate update on the 21-year-old’s condition. About an hour after the match was called, her agent said Azarenka had been taken to the hospital. Dulko said Azarenka was conscious and responding when Dulko walked over to make sure everything was OK.

Wearing an all-black tennis dress, Azarenka had been moving slowly throughout the match. Before she served the first point in the seventh game, she hesitated and winced in pain. After the point, she kneeled down.

Two points later, while trying to run on the baseline, she stopped and crumbled to the ground, not appearing to twist or sprain anything. Medical personnel rushed out and yelled to the sideline to bring water. After a few minutes on the ground, being sheltered by an umbrella and with an ice pack on her neck, Azarenka was helped into the wheelchair and moved off the court. A trainer placed his hand on her neck to check her pulse.

“I was scared,” said Dulko, who advanced to the third round. “She went to the floor. I was worried for her. I went to see her, brought some ice, did whatever I could do to help.”

Dulko said the conditions were, indeed, brutal. For the second straight day, tournament officials put in place their extreme-weather policy, meaning women could ask for a 10-minute break if they split sets.

“It’s tough to play out there,” Dulko said. “It’s really hot, really humid. You sweat so much, sometimes it’s impossible to hold the racket.”…..

Though the Aussie Open – played in midsummer in the Southern hemisphere – may be the most consistently hot Grand Slam tournament, they have roofs available on some of their courts. That makes the U.S. Open, where all matches are played outdoors, the toughest grind of the four major tournaments in many minds.

The year 2010 is going down as the hottest summer in recorded history in New York, which certainly is doing nothing to change that reputation.

Seven men’s matches went five sets and 14 women’s matches went three sets in the stifling heat on Tuesday, though Azarenka was the first to fall with what appears to be a case of heat exhaustion.

The news traveled quickly through the tennis world.

“Did anyone watch Vikas match?? I really hope she is ok!” top-seeded Caroline Wozniacki said on her Twitter account, a few minutes after Azarenka fell. The previous night, Wozniacki defeated Chelsey Gullickson 6-1, 6-1 in a match that ended around 1 a.m.

Azarenka has won four career titles, most recently at Stanford last month, when she beat Maria Sharapova in the final. She reached the quarterfinals at the Australian Open this year, losing to Williams, the eventual champion.

Edmonton Oilers goalie Nikolai Khabibulin, (BABY DADDY) a native of Russia, is a family friend and a mentor, taking her in with his family in Scottsdale, Ariz.

US Open 2010: Day 1

So here we are again ladies and gentle subscribers to the RTNF. We are at the 2010 US Open, the culminating major of the year. At the beginning of the tennis year, there was much anticipation but very little panned out as “veterans” continue to dominate at the big tournaments. This US Open I think really have little fanfare but describe how you and I feel about the tournament, there is very little that you can I can do to stop the men’s and women’s singles champion from claming 1.7 million dollars in prize money. Not a bad cheque for 2 weeks work is it. Sometimes I wish my parents had stuck something in my hand as a child other than a book. A tennis racquet, a ball, a bat, a musical instrument or even a gun , a CD…how about a gun and a CD, then I could have been a gangsta rapper.. Any of these would have been far more beneficial to me than the pursuit of academic excellence. Truth be told, at risk of disclosing my true age, I grew up in LP era, CDs are somewhat a novel invention to me…or is that because I grew up in a 3^rd world country? Hmmm…but I digress. You did not sign up to this blog for the ranting of a disgruntled worker….but for the most complete and controversial tennis coverage this side of universe….

So the US Open started yesterday and I dispensed in posting a preview because well, most people are not interested in suppositions as oppose to actualities. But anyhow, I will make some general comments along those lines as I go through Day 1 action. It should be noted that Juan Martin Del Potro aka Beast Boy is out of 2010 US Open and so cannot defend his US Open title. He had wrist surgery early this year and felt that he was not fit to compete. Resident hottie, Jo-Wilfred Tsonga is also out. Also missing is the Serenanator. On the night of Germany’s expulsion from the World Cup, she was in a bar in Hanover (or so the story goes) where the crowd was getting a bit raucous. The Serenanator, wanting some peace and tranquility (you know Germans can be so ghetto) decided to step away from the hooliganism and in doing so stepped on glass. Mario Carillo had alleged that Serenantor stepped on a beer bottle but she took back that comment, which to me is quite odd to have said so or even take it back. I am guessing she wanted to allude to some sort of character assassination of the America. Just in case readers were confused about how RTNF feels about Mario Carillo….well we think she is a hating manish itch) Anyway, it lead to an inch deep cut into the tennis player’s foot and this led to foot surgery to repair the damage. Nevertheless, it is open season for the women draw because as far back as 2008 Wimbledon, if you want to win a major or even contend for the title, you have to beat the Serenanator…..Oh I almost forgot to mention that Cheating Justine Henin has given up tennis for the entire year. Yes. This is no surprise to me at all so Ms. Henin has mysteriously left the tour yet again with no real valid excuse. She claimed that she injured her elbow while losing to Kim at Wimbledon but the Cheat continued to play that match and showed no real sign of damage. I know history would validate me on this one…I believe she is injured as much as I believe Ryan Seacrest is straight.

The Beast won’t be around this year. Hopefully you come back all shaven and clean….Seriously DelPo…your armpit hair is growing down to your elbow…get a weedwhacker bro..

If only we call all look this well when ill… Serenantor bringing sexy back to the limp…(Check out that perv at the very bottom)

So to the tennis. ..

Melanie Oudin, aka Dot, the American sensation got the first match up on Arthur Ashe… I do not understand this… she is not even seeded at the tournament but she is given this distinction. Anyhow, she routed her Urkanian competitor Olga Savchuk 6-3 6-0. She almost had a golden set in the second set (not losing a single point) Anyhow she moves on and do did Mommy Dearest, Belgian Waffle Kim Clijsters, who looked a bit out of touch in this early round 6-0 7-5. Mommy D is known to smack down players in the early rounds but yesterday she was down 0-4 in the second set but rallied to win the next 7 of 8 games. I know loads of critics including Lil Wayne (seriously…I think he should be worried about the odds of him not getting raped in jail than the odds on the tennis courts) have picked her to repeat as champion and technically she has a 15 match streak at the Open since winning in 2005, she did not come back to the tournament until 2009 where she won again. However, I do not see the Belgian repeating. First off, if Kim is not looking sharp in the early rounds, she tends to degenerate as time goes on. She was injured earlier during the hard courts doing those silly splits. Kim is under the mistaken belief that since her mama was a C rate gymnast in Belgium (she was no Nastia or even Shawn for that matter….I am also well verse in gymnastics as well) that it means she inherited those not so dominant flexibility genes. So there was Mama with her “thick self” out on hardcourt during monstrous heat doing her splits as if indoor mat and her hip gave out…she had to hobble off the court. See Kim I know simple biomechanic…you can’t pop out baby and pop and squat the same as before. So might I suggest that you keep the legs close together like a good Catholic girl and save the freak show for your hubbie who I am sure with his 6’7” stature would appreciate your flexible nature in the boudoir. Anyway, besides the injury, everyone knows Kim is not as mentally tough opponent and since getting back on tour she has been looking very frazzled as of late. I do not think she has the mental fortitude to pull off this win.

American Oudin aka Dot (You have to know Dot from Mad TV)

She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named came back on tour today after spraining her knee after Wimbledon, thus unable to play any tour matches since July. She has now turned 30 and the pundits are in her face about old age despite her being ranked 4 in the world. Anyway, she played Italian Roberta Vinci who thought that She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named might allow her into the match on sheer rust. However, any professional who watched the match have to say that it was like watching a different person because She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named’s usual liabilities (her serve, the second serve, forehand and unwillingness to come to net) were her assets where as her asset (her backhand) was the liability. She was on like a boil corn but you know I am holding thread with this one. She took out the Italian in her black dress 6-4 6-1. She stated that even though she has little match play, she would rely on her experience. The pundits were pouncing on her but the truth is that on the women side, the US has no other hope than the ole gal. Oudin is out by round 3 and I think I am giving her too much credit here. She can believe, persevere, sweat, goal all she wants but she not making it on tour. Too many other players are far more skilled at the game than she is. The crowd can brag all they want but facts are facts.

She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named in her Night cocktail dress… It gets an A- (Check out later edition for a 2010 Major fashion spread for Lady Voldemort)

In other ladies win 2008 semi-finalist Dinara Safina aka Dinada went out like a candle in the wind losing to Daniela Hantuchova 6-3 6-4. It is unfortunate that Safina is going down like this. I believe that most of her problems lies between her ears. Being the brother/sister of Marat Safin (that Ravishing Russian) does not help but she is a really good player and ever since people were attacking her for not being the legitimate number one player, she has slipped down that slippery slope. And as she has slipped so has Ana Invanovic aka Mrs. Fernando Verdasco aka Mrs. Tabasco Verdasco risen out of the dust. Ivanovic put together a really nice summer hard court season and made it through to the second round of a major; something that she has been unable to say for sometime now. She is brimming with confidence so expect some noise from this Serbian. Sam D’Stove, Francesca Schiabone, The Jewess Hammer Shahar Peer, Jie Zheng, The Dementend One Elena Dementieva, Alisa Klondike Bar, Sania Mirza, Tsetvana Pironkova, all won their matches. Victoria Azarenka of Belarus ranked 10 in the world was out on court 10 playing her first round match.WTF and Melanie Oudin is on Arthur Ashe…some bullshite. Anyway, I would have picked Azarenka to be the dark horse of this tournament but I saw her yesterday and I she pudgy (see at times I can be nice) Anyway, she has gained some weight and wearing black to cover it. This is weird as I saw her recently playing and she was slim so I believe she might have a bun in the oven which she was definitely baking in that black dress in the NYC hot sun yesterday in attempt to disguise. However, I am only taking a guess here so I suggest you not this  it until further notice. Remember it is only rumor if you spread it.

Before and After…This is not extra muscle…But remember Mummmmm the word..

To the men…

Now if you let the pundits tell you, it is all about Rafael Nadal at the US Open this year…I mean Lil Wayne predicted that Nadal would win his first US Open title this year and earn himself a career grandslam. However, in this respect, I would again defer to my earlier comment in reference to Lil Wayne and in the words of the immortal rapper TuPac “Keep your head up” brother. Anyway, Divadal wants this title badly and has come close I believe twice. However, it is not a question of his game but his endurance. He has tried to lighten his schedule for this year in anticipation to give the final push in NYC but I do not think it will happen this year. The courts of NYC are too grueling and he is not in tip top excellent shape as is necessary plus he extends way too much energy in earlier matches. Consider also that Divadal has not won a title this summer on hard court and to be honest, he has look beside himself in the matches he has played. I do not expect him to lose early but I doubt he would be around late. Anyway, he is set to play tonight, as is Carolina Wozniacki…wait a minute I might have it wrong, Lil Wayne might have said that it is the Danish Biscuit he favors over the Belgian Waffle. Nevertheless, I think would find himself a lil off on both accounts.

People need to stop saying shite about Mr. Decker, it is hurting his feelings….

However, as for the men who played on Monday, Andy Roddick aka Brooklyn Decker took out Stephane Robert in straights sets 6-3 6-2 6-2 looking sharp as always. It is a very unfortunate Mr. Decker that shows up in NYC. The US has written him off in favor of adopting foreign sons such as Divadal, Mr. Federer and D’Joker Harlequeen. It is not a mere coincidence that the US Open is held in Queens and it is these three starlettes that are light up the nights here. I have never been a Roddick fan and nor would I be but give credit where credit is due. Mr. Decker has carried the banner for American men proudly and solely in the absence of Sampras, Agassi, Courier and Chang. One dare not push forward the names of James “Fake Blake” Blake, Mardy the Whale Fish (who incidentally now looks like a whale) Sam Querry and John Isner. Mr. Decker has been to 5 major finals winning one in 2003. However, he had the unfortunate experience of meeting a man by the name of Mr. Federer in the 4 other finals as well as bumping into him on the byways and highways of 4^th rounds, quarterfinals and semi-finals (check out 2007 Australian Open semi-final a crucial beatdown). Mr. Decker would have had at least 5 majors to his credit. Nothing Fake Blake, Whale Eel, The Grinch and Green Giant can do in their lifetime can equal Mr. Decker’s achievement. So people really need to lay off the man. He tries. He really does try. He is essentially a jock and jocks give it their all even if their all is not much. Mr. Decker is a more than competent hard court player and has the most wins on the surface on tour. I think he will make some noise here and if he wins (though I doubt this) I would be the first to say he has earned it. Also I would appreciate it if people stop saying that Brooklyn Decker is too hot for the man. I beg to differ. She is no beautiful though very attractive and this is not hateration. Hateration would be me saying that she aligned herself only with the athlete knowing that his career would last longer than hers would as a model and that she acted like the typical air headed head cheerleader dating and marrying the star quarterback as his athletic body would retain the muscular look far longer than her would retain the SI look and hopefully he will be strong enough in old age to lift her fat @$$ from the refrigerator. But I am not saying that nor have I ever said that so therefore, you cannot claim I am a hater on this point. Nonetheless, I think they are both equally compatible. It is not like she is some quantum physicist and he some dumb jock. They both have a high school education and coasting on non-intellectual attributes raking in millions. So people really need to stop hating…and most of the people talking are fat straight men who wish BK Decker was banging them but I am sure she has no interest in lifting Mounds of fat when she is only interested in the nuts of the Almond Joy.

Piss off boys…You all can keep your Twix for I love me some creamy center and all those nuts of Andy’s Snickers to be near my Kit Kat bar.

Anyway, Smirnoff Vodka aka White Russian Nikolay Davydenko is back in full strength on tour and took out American Mike Russell. Robin Soderling aka Robin Hood aka Smoldering Soderling as always allowed a two sets to love lead go away as he struggled to close out the match 6-4 in the fifth set. There is no way a man of his caliber of talent is struggling early rounds at majors. Do not expect to see him in the quarterfinals nor Gael Monfils aka Beetlejuice who again struggling in the first round against American Robert Kendrick. Seriously Beetlejuice?? I mean just having to face you across the court would scare me off the court. In other wins, Richard Gasquet from France and Tomas Bellucci also won as did Juan Carlos Ferrero, American Taylor Dent, Jurgen Melzer and Marian Cilic. Lyetton Hewitt of Australia aka Dingo Dog aka broke Mommy Dearest heart lost in the first round against Frenchman Paul-Henri Matthieu. The 2001 US Open winner struggled throughout the match and I am afraid to say that it is fast approaching midnight for his career as he is well past twilight. Mr. Federer made quick work of his Argentine opponent 6-1 6-4 6-2. Mr. Federer was looking great on both his backhand and forehand but he was absolutely atrocious in his play at net as well as his break point opportunities. He only converted I believe 4 of 19. This is absolutely ridiculous and his notable losses to Divadal, this has always been the tale of the tape failing to convert his break points. Anyway, I hope he cleans his game up for rest of the tournament. With that being said, I am going to give my picks for winners. I have to admit these picks are mystical and can be seen as a psychic prediction. She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named for the women and Mr. Federer for the men. I know CRAZY but when have I ever displayed any level of sanity to you dear followers.

Look forward tomorrow for another issue…. And remember I would be posting on blog soon so please comment online…

PHOTO BAG…

Hottie of the Day..

Not only is she pretty…she comes with her own sets of wheels with low gas mileage for all you Ego freaks…Go get her fellas…

Edina Gallovits of Romania. She is gorgeous if don’t mind the diary on the legs…

A Spanish man with some scruff what can I say but MUY BUEN…..Juan Carlos Ferrero of Spain popularly known on tour as the Mosquito…I wouldn’t mind a bite or two or three or……I digress….

Though he is dismal on court…he have to give the brother props for looking good in a suit…

NOTTIES..

Francesa Schiabone showing us here one of the misconceptions of fashion: Lace would always make you appear more feminine.

Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!.... Did Halloween come early this year??

Mix Bag… Bad Fashion

And now is the Wintour of our discontent…

I think there is something floating in her grape jelly…. I swear Maria is making bad fashion into a sport

There can be no doubt in anyone's mind that Martina Hingis is a cocaine user because one has to be high to have left the house looking like this

Mardy the Whale…

is now Mardy the Eel….but if you ask me…he is looking a bit gaunt and goblinish…ehhhhhhhhh…But I am not going to hate…He has the 6-pack to show…

From here on end…Parental Restriction is Advised…

Kim: I wonder which one is the bottom….Hmmmmmmmmm

Roger: It’s him….

Rafa: No it isn’t…it’s him… Roger: Why you telling lies Rafa? I can’t show you the real thing but this microphone is an accurate representation…See what I am working with. No way I am the bottom..

Rafa: All right! All right! It’s me… Can’t help it if I am a size queen…

I wonder if she knows Roger doesn’t eat sushi.

Wimbledon 2010: Getting all Caught up Day 6 and Day 8

So I think as of today, we are going to be all caught up with our Wimbledon affairs. Of course, we would be cutting some corners but I do hope that the adage that I once heard from a priest “shortcuts break man’s neck” do not prove to be applicable in our case. I think so far, the only day we have not discussed is Saturday. I am mostly going to skip a full write up about Saturday because it is Monday’s action that is the meat of the matter for us. The second Mondays at Wimbledon is indeed jam-packed as all the remaining singles players are on court for their Round of 16 match with the winners going to the quarterfinals. By the time most of you read this today, the women’s quarterfinals would have already begun and as of today, women and men no longer play on the same day. Tomorrow promises to be a big day as well as it’s men’s quarterfinals. Nonetheless, in an effort of accuracy and integrity, I would mention that on Saturday, the Serenanator won, as did Shriekapova, Radwanska, Danish Biscuit, Telly Monster’s sister Kaia Kanepi, Na Li/Li Na won and Zakopalova taking out the 10^th seed Penne Pasta Pennetta of Italy. Victoria Azarenka, 14^th seed lost to Petra Kvitova who did not win a single match on grass before coming to Wimbledon. Azarenka was up 5-2 in the first set but lost 13 straight games to exit the tournament 5-7 0-6. She is such a head-case.

This German heifer must not know about me. Do you know who I am?? I am a D-I-V-A

On the men’s side, Divadal was pushed yet again to a 5^th set by Philipp Petzschner of Germany. After the match, the Germany accused the Spanish Diva of gamesmanship as Divadal called the trainer out on court. I am not going to accuse Divadal of cheating per se but it was rather suspicious especially the second time he called the trainer out for his knee. If he had knee problems I am not sure exactly what the trainer did or could do especially since he did not re-tape the knee or anything but simply massage his thigh. Anyway, Divadal was also fined for coaching while on court as the umpire caught him communicating with Uncle Toni. After the match Divadal said (paraphrasing here), “I was not cheating when I called the trainer. Something was wrong with my knee and so I called him out to see about it (as his left eyebrow went up) and today, Uncle Toni was not coaching me. In the past, yes but not today and I am going to talk to the head referee about this.” Needless to say the ref was not having any part of Divadal’s cock and bull story and upheld the fine. In other wins, Lochness Monster, Robin Hood Smoldering, The Grinch, David Ferrer, Paul-Henri Mathieu of France as well as his countryman Baby Ali and Julien Benneteau all made it to the Round of 16.

Keep rubbing my thigh…just want to waste some time here…

So now that we are all caught up, Monday Mania begins…Since the women have to play their quarterfinals match today, they played first on all the courts. There was some drama/controversy in the Crackhead vs. Australia Jarmila Groth aka Ms. Hyde match. Groth was already on court and the Crackhead was nowhere to be found. The umpire was expressing “I don’t know where she is” to Groth for about ten minutes when finally the Crackhead showed up on court. The crowd booed her. Can you believe that? The fcuking crowd booed Venus Ebony Starr Williams, 5-time winner, 8-time finalist of Wimbledon. The Crackhead later stated that no one came to get her from the locker room where as Groth was in a different locker room. Their match was originally scheduled for Court 1 but yet again Wimbledon pushed them off and pushed the greatest grass court player of this generation to the graveyard court. Anyway, Groth came out strong and was very very competitive throughout the match. However, again, she was playing a far superior grass court player and even though the Crackhead looked disheveled in the match, she held her nerves and closed out the match in straight sets. If Wimbledon was looking for an upset by placing Williams on Court 2, it was not to be. However, it would be the other matches that caused the upsets.

Up next was the Danish Biscuit…I have long contended that this Dane plays WAY TOO MUCH TENNIS for a young lady. I swear every tournament there is, Wozniacki is signed up to play. She would soon burn out and worse, that potential that she has seeing as she got to the US Open finals, it would soon disappear and she would be a “has-been” by the end of next year. Nevertheless, her father continues to pack her schedule and as of late, the effects of this are showing. Petra Kvitova took out the Number 3 seed Wozniacki 6-2 6-0.  Kvitova would take on Kaia Kanepi, Telly’s sister who won her match in straight sets as well. La petite grosse lost to Pironkova would next take on the Crackhead. Now Tsetvana Pironkova is well remembered for taking out the Crackhead out of Australian Open 2006 first round but something tells me that there might not a similar upset today. Zvonareva came out blazing against Fivehead who retired from the match with back ailment. I think the problem is that in the last two majors, Fivehead has been choking. She realizes that that window of opportunity she had to win majors is gone and can no longer handle the pressure. Zvonareva would join Na Li/Li Na who moves into yet another major quarterfinals.

Sesame Street serving notice at Wimbledon…This one for my brother…

Let me hear Big Bird say shite now…motherfcuking Dodo Bird…

The two marquee matches yesterday was between Serena and Maria and Justine and Kim. Now, it is no secret that in both matches, the players cannot stand their opponents and I guess it’s this that made them all the more reason to watch. Justine and Kim have played 24 matches coming into this one and in the past especially at majors, Justine has been beating Kim @$$ although they were tied 12-12. However, for the year, Kim has been beating Justine and yesterday was no different. Cheating Mask came out strong and was hitting winners left and right but in the second set she looked rather unsettled and called for the trainer yet again to deal with her arm. Kim, wasting no time quickly reasserted herself in the match and took it 2-6 6-2 6-3.

Why does she even bother wearing a sports bra? To soak up excess sweat perhaps….Anyways, I think Justine is having “a moment” here…

The last time Maria met Serena at Wimbledon was in the 2004 Wimbledon finals. Maria was 17, new on the tour and became the it girl when she beat the defending champion in straight sets 6-1 6-4. Later that year, Maria beat her again at the year-end championships. However, coming into this match and all the hype, you would have sworn that it is Maria who leads the head-to-head with Serena 5-2 and not the other way around. You would have been mistaken in not remembering that in 2007 Australian Open finals, an out of shape Serenanator dismantled Maria in Melbourne like no other. Nonetheless, everyone figured Maria had a chance to beat the Serenanator. The Serenanator was not having that at all yesterday. Although, she was not playing as stellar as she was in her three previous matches, having never been broken, she played well within herself to send the shrieking Russian packing. 7-6 6-4. It was a good match and should be helpful for Serenanator as she faces Li Na/Na Li today who took her to two tiebreakers at the Australian Open this year.

The Serenanator was out to seek and destroy yesterday…

Breaking News…Jennifer Capriati has “accidentally overdose” and was rushed to the hospital in Florida….More on this story tomorrow…..there is just too much hate radiating out of me right now to give this story the right treatment it deserves…So I have to gather my wit…So look for an exclusive segment tomorrow.

Oh Jenny Jenny Jenny….you really went back to the block didn’t you??

So today the quarterfinals are as such…The Crackhead takes on Tsvetana Pironkova with the winner meeting either Mommie Dearest or Vera Zvonereva in the semifinal…..and the Serenanator taking on Na Li/Li Na with the winner playing the winner of Kaia Kanepi vs. Petra Kvitova.

For the men’s Round of 16, Mr. Federer was again in good form as he took out Jurgen Melzer in straight sets. The rust that he showed in the first two rounds is gone now and he is ready to lay claim to his 7^th Wimbledon title. Divadal and Lochness Monster all had an easy time with their matches as they took out Paul-Henri Mathieu and The Grinch respectively. The Grinch had some nice looks at winning at least a set but his inexperience was so apparent it was at times painful to watch him get run around on the court. There is much potential for The Grinch but he really needs to start believing he can hang with the big boys if he intends to do damage on the tour. With James a non-factor and Mr. Brooklyn Decker nearing the twilight of his career, he is the next up and coming American. John Isner is nowhere near the consistency and style of play as the Grinch. Hopefully he gets there soon. Anyway, it was only the top three players who seem to have an easy time in their matches as everyone else had to battle it out.

The Monster roars….he is the only male player left in the draw who has not dropped a set…

D’Joker Harlequeen was up against Dingo Dog and though he took the first two sets, he sensed that the Australian was chomping at the bits. Dingo Dog is like an energizer bunny, he keeps going and going and going. Harlequeen knowing this bit about the Aussie pulled his infamous “I can’t breathe” bit on court, calling out the trainer. Now I know many athletes with asthmatic conditions and seeing that I suffer from a similar condition, I know if you can’t breathe, you cannot run. Not happening and it is amazing to see that D’Joker continually employs this tactic on court and he has not been reprimanded for his bullshite. It is ridiculous now at this point. However, Hewitt should have recognize this ploy and not allow himself to be suckered into losing focus. Of course, the “asthma patient” came out firing in the 4^th set to win the match altogether. He would face Yen Hsun Lu who took out Mr. Brooklyn Decker in 5 sets 4-6 7-6 7-6 6-7 9-7. I would give you a much more comprehensive overview of this match tomorrow as well as a neat discussion on the fate that is Andy Roddick. There is not enough time right now to talk about this. However, I would say that I am not surprise that he lost because this is a recurring theme for the American who maintains his belief that a serve alone will take him back to the top.

Tsonga will meet Lochness Monster tomorrow as he took out his countryman Benneteau in 4 sets where as both Robin Hood Smoldering and Tomas Berdych needed 5 sets to win their matches. With Berdych’s win, the end of Daniel Brands nice run at Wimbledon is over. We would surely miss this hottie… So for tomorrow men’s quarterfinals, the match ups look like this: Mr. Federer plays Tomas Berdych; Divadal plays Robin Hood Smoldering (a match to watch), Lochness Monster takes on Baby Ali and D’Joker Harlequeen plays Yen Hsun Lu who I believe have beaten D’joker in the past.

RTFN Big Picture Show…
Hotties…Lending a helping hand…

Need some help “getting up” Baby Ali

Would you like some refreshments?? Something to suck on to keep you cool…

How about a shoulder to put your head??

NOTTIE

Cheating Mask believes if she sticks her pinkie finger out…she would be more like a lady. NOT

Oh my…having Five heads really can weigh you down…

MIX BAG

Shakira Shakira….your hips may not lie….But…

But this one is the Gospel Truth…BAMMMMM

Someone left paper out on the court again…

Why am I not surprise that the D’Joker Harlequeen has pink straps underneath his shirt….

Hmmm…I think someone is in need of a lil push up bra…

WTF…Are we in London or on some tourist trap??

Now if we can only find the spray to kill the weeds growing in their brains…

I think the mental asylum had an outing yesterday…

Yeah…definitely had an outing yesterday…

Sweetie…bows and ribbons make little girls pretty not frumpy ole women. Okay? Do us all a favor and that it out now…better yet wrap it around your neck and hang yourself for fashion attempted murder.

I’m gonna need this to play the Williams’s sisters in doubles tomorrow. Let me see those itches pass me now…

Giving it up like a common ho…

But monsters never go for the classy types. I think Nessie likes…he really really like

How many viagras did you take?? Fcuk…it’s not coming down…

Someone call the police...I think they about to run a chain/train on her

Wimbledon 2010: Day 5

Again I do apologize for my tardiness. It really cannot be helped with this hot humid weather. I am really trying to produce these as fast as possible but it seems I have ADD or something of the sort. I would be trying diligently to get you all up to speed with Wimbledon. There was not much going on in terms of extra stuff at Wimbledon. Everyone was still buzzing around the marathon Isner-Mahut match and they of course the American commenthaters spared no chance to talk about the match. They asked all the players about the match and every match highlight was punctuated by some reference to the match. WE GOT IT. Anyway, it should be no surprise that Isner lost the next match in straight sets. Now I really have to say that the Wimbledon Committee is some really grimy folks. They had Isner play one of the first matches on Friday. Isner may have won the battle against Mahut but he lost the war of Wimbledon. He went out as meek as a lamb to the Dutch Thiemo DeBakker. He did not get a single ace and he was pushed around like a small kid on the playground. I did not expect much from him. I really hope he didn’t do irreversible damage to his body. However, the fame from this match will help popularize tennis for Americans especially get some new men on tour.

A listless John Isner

Anyway to the ladies…
Now you know how I feel about the Russians. They never ever fail to disappoint and implode on court. I swear, they can hardly produce stellar results despite being a country filled with tennis gold. There are so many talented Russians but they ALWAYS CHOKE on court. We have long discussed the Russians here on RTFN and no need to digress and discuss them some more. Nevertheless, Nadia Fatrova came on court to play Justine Cheating Mask Henin and got blown away. She just wasted people’s time showing up for the match. It was almost a massacre and only for the fact that God doesn’t like ugly why Fatrova even won 5 games for the match going down 6-1 6-4. So Cheating Mask was in the Round of 16 to face her countrywoman and rival Mommie Dearest. They have met 24 times throughout their careers and they are even 12-12. Interesting though, Kim can hardly get the better of Justine at majors where she too has been picked a apart on court. Kim took out Maria Kirilenko who has shown herself to a dangerous floater in the ladies draw.

Klondyke Bar..Kleybanova…..but she is really looking more like Gloria the Hippo..Let’s see…

So the DNA test results are in…are you ready

You are all sisters.. triplets in fact. And you ladies after Wimbledon would be flying off to Madagascar to meet your sister Gloria the Hippo…Gloria is one Happy Hog today…

The Crackhead showed some steely resolve on court when she faced Alicia Kleybanova. You remember Kleybanova, the girl who hangs out at Klondyke Bar. Anyway, Klondyke Bar was firing out of the blocks. She may be extra thick but she got muscles under all that blubber and she was going toe to toe with the Crackhead. However, you the Crackhead on grass, she doesn’t play around. Klondyke Bar broke the Crackhead but the Crackhead bust her upside her head right away and took the set 6-4. In the second set, Klondyke did everything she could to throw the Crackhead off her game. However, the Crackhead was on and popping and took the set 6-2. Let’s not be mistaken, Klondyke Bar played very well but she was up against someone with prodigious grass court prowess so she was cancelled even before she got activated. In other wins, Fivehead looked to be on form and moved into the Round of 16 as did Vera Zvonereva, Jarmila Groth formerly of Eastern Europe (She married an Aussie and since they don’t have many top female players ….long gone the days of Margaret Court and Evonne Goolagong, Australia made her its own and she has been playing for them). Gloria the Hippo made it through as did Tsetvana Pironkova. Some very interesting people are in the Round of 16 but women’s tennis is becoming very competitive as of late. Should be a really exciting Monday as all the remaining singles players are set to play in the Round of 16.

Don’t mess with the Crackhead…she fights dirty…

Someone hold my earrings…someone hold my motherfcuking earrings and bring my vaseline..I’m about to school a itch up in here…(The outfit looks a lot better with this jacket on..)

On the men side, Hewitt had an easy time with Gael Monfils aka Beetlejuice. One figured that Monfils would stop showing this hot and cold attitude and make himself into a legitimate contender at majors a la Jo-Willie Tsonga aka Baby Ali. However, Beetlejuice seems contend to play mediocre tennis and struggle throughout matches. He did not even worry the Aussie as he lost in straight sets. Mr. Federer looking to erase all shadows of doubt that he is vulnerable at Wimbledon made mincemeat of Arnaud Clement of France. Clement made it to the finals of Australian Open in the early part of this decade and I am sure had a nice run elsewhere at a major though I cannot remember where but I digress. As Mr. Federer’s return game has been coming under much scrutiny thus far in the tournament, he quelled all arguments on the matter as he broke the Frenchman at the beginning of every set and kept his nose in front throughout the match. It’s a shame that the Frenchman had to be the whipping boy for Mr. Federer but Mr. Federer needed to get him shite together and he seems ready now in my humble opinion to defend his title.

Back in Business is Mr. Federer

Making light work of the Frenchman…

D’Joker Harlequeen wore his tracksuit appropriately today and took out Spain’s Alberto Montanes.  Might I say that Spanish players aka that is players who are actually born or represent Spain not Puerto Ricans/Dominicans/Hispanics/Latinos as they are commonly referred to as here in the US,…are really finding their game on other surfaces other than clay. They are getting to be serious contenders everywhere and it is almost a sure bet that you have to beat one of them if you wish to win any sort of title these days. Anyways, Montanes not winning Wimbledon as Harlequeen clubbed him over the head with his wannabe sceptre. Mr. Brooklyn Decker avenged his lost against Phillip Kohlschreiber of Germany. He is popular here in England and really should have a Wimbledon title as he is by far a great grass court player. Thomas Berdych also won as did Hottie Daniel Brands, Julian Bennateau, Paul-Henri Mathieu and Yen-Hsun Lu from Chinese Taipei are all through to the Round of 16. France is having a better go around in London than it did in Paris as their men are playing stellar tennis on the grass than they did on the clay.  Anyway by the end of tomorrow’s play, the Round of 16 would be set and things would be cooking at Wimbledon as we would be separating the sheep from the goats…or the wheat from the shafts….for only the Strong survives at Wimbledon. I almost forgot to mention Daniel Brands won his match in the 5^th set when Victor Hanescu aka Iron Man retired claiming injury to his leg. He spat at some hecklers and walked off the court. Many have said that he was under the pressure from the German who was relentless in his pursuit but some hecklers were arrested after the match. Hanescu was fined $15k. Though the hecklers or hooligans were out of control, Hanescu retired because he know hottie Brands was going to kick his @$ poor showmanship but a nice showing at the tournament for the German.

RTFN BIG PICTURE SHOW…

Brooklyn Decker is considered to be a HOTTIE by many so I would appeal to popular demand. However, she is not looking like no SI swimsuit model in her grandma’s old sweater if you ask me.

Kim, you cannot go around looking like a NOTTIE when you have a child. You are someone’s mother and likely to embarrass the poor child with your head looking like a bird’s nest. Get some hot oil treatment gurl..As a matter of fact call Serena. She got a beautician license…she can hook you up.

On second thought Kim…go to a professional…some things you just have to pay full price for…

You know what? Ask Roger to set up an appointment for you. He would know the girl to set you straight.

Abs or Flabs???

Taking a Nap wherever you can…

I told you not to have that 5th drink...

Gonna just lay down right here…

Bring that umbrella just a little bit more over this way…

Taking flight…

Up Up Up and AWAY...

Gender Benders…

I think it is a boy who looks like a girl who looks like a boy??

Hmmm..I am not sure what this is….let me see…

Is it Mr. Hyde from League of Extraordinary Gentlemen….

Birds of a feather…

Flock together…

and here we have some Dodo birds

Are those fcuking itches really wearing that around here… Really?? Can someone please take these birds off the endangered species list so that we can put them back into extinction?

Kiss…Kiss…Kiss… Kiss… Kiss… on the LIPS…. YEAHHHHH

Now everyone wants to come on court with a handbag even if it is empty… I swear the ATP is filled with queens but I am not going to lie…it’s a hot bag…and I would be wanting one in blue…white gets too messy.

RTFN doing what it can to reunite families…

The test results are in and Dog the Bounty Hunter, you are the father of Lleyton “Dingo Dog”

You say what?? WTF I have never even been to Australia….my passport has been be confiscated…

You may see a trophy but I see fcuking awesome bong…Now who got the Mary Jane??

Wimbledon 2010: Day 4

Hey fanz…I know. I know. I am always coming out with late editions. What can I say? I procrastinate a lot. It cannot be help especially when this is not a paying gig but oh how I pray one day it would be and I can be coming live and direct from the grass of Wimbledon. Anyhow, since most of you all don’t get on the website to increase traffic then you would have to deal with a tardy editor. Anyway, if we are to get all caught up, then we have to deal with Thursday’s affair. Last time we spoke, the Queen was at Wimbledon after a 33-year absence. I certainly did not miss her. Apparently, had Tim Henman, a true Englishman and last British player besides Lochness Monster to smell a chance at the title, ever got to the final, in particular in 2001, the Queen was free for that day to show up and support their local lad. As if she not free every frigging day of the year. I wish not to continue my little tirade about monarchy and I need not reiterate my feelings about their status but I just want to say one more thing…especially since this is my forum and I can do whatever I want to. The thing I dislike most about monarchies is that they enforce this notion that some people are better than others and they should be respected for no other reason than they are who they are. Monarchies in this day and age have no real power, (in Europe at least, you would not catch me saying this sort of shit in Bhutan) and in essence do nothing at all deserving of respect, adoration or even consideration. Yet, the Queen of England shows up at Wimbledon and the whole world is in a fuss. One has to curtsey and respect certain formalities for what? And Why? Really what has this woman done ever in her life to deserve anyone’s respect or adoration? Delivered three reckless children including two sons who ruined the women they married and then settled for the downgrades. Please the whole thing is bullshit…they should dissolve the monarch and spread wealth back to the countries around the world that built it up in the first place beginning with sending the crown jewels back to Africa and India.

Anyway to the tennis: Women’s coverage..
I am still smarting over the fact that the Wimbledon Committee placed Serena Williams, current number on Court No 2. They said they wanted to give other players a chance to play on Centre Court and also because Wozniacki being from Denmark, also has monarchy in her court but still, it was an insult. Roger Federer when not playing on Centre Court is on Court 1. How and why the fcuk is Serenanator on Court No 2 is beyond me and some right bullshite. However, I already got on one hate-train for this edition and do not want to get another train line. Serena did get to meet the Queen and because of play did not get to dine with her. And in all ironies, the Queen only stayed for Murray’s match which was up first on the court. She left afterwards…who knows what was more pressing especially since she never really had a job to begin with to retire. Anyway, despite all this drama, Serenanator may have been a bit snubbed by the on court diss by Wimbledon and put on a serving clinic on Court No 2, historically called the “graveyard court” as many of major upsets have taken place there including Pete Sampras’s last grass court match in 2002 and the 2004 and 2006 losses of Venus Williams. Anyway, there was no upset on Thursday and the only thing that needed burial was the carcass of Anna Chakvetadze as Serenanator beat her to a pulp 6-0 6-1. It was a royal beatdown. Chakvetadze was once a promising player but I do not know what went wrong as now she is crying all the time on court. Her “dismantlement” was so swift that I do not even think the Serenanator give her time to cry. I am sure there was a flood in the locker room when she went back in.

The Queen meeting tennis royalty

I am not going to cry. I am not going to cry!

The waterworks about to begin…

In other wins in the ladies 2^nd round, Shriekapova, Wozniacki, the Danish biscuit, Ararenka, Flavia Penne Pasta Pennetta of Italy, Na Li and Radwanka. Do you know Agnieszka Radwanska is the currently ranked 9^th in the world and seeded 7^th at Wimbledon and I bet no one really know who she is. She’s is from Poland and has a sister who also plays on the tour. I should also mention that Telly Monster’s sister, Kaia Kanepi of Finland she also won her match. She was the one who took out D’Stove…Glad to see she followed that upset with a win. Usually players who beat a major player, lose in the next round but Kaia Monster is definitely representing the folks on the Sesame Street Block. Anyway enough about her….in upsets, Daniella Hantuchova lost as did Svetlana Boynetsova. Boynetsova seeded 19^th at this tournament is already plummeting in the ranking as she was unable to defend her French Open title. This early bounce at Wimbledon is going continue their decline. Poor Daniella…we have such hope for her and the thing is she lost to a nobody…and so did Boynetsova…ah well.. Jie Zheng also lost her match. We do like seeing her around but we would catch her on the flip side.

Anyways in the Menz action. Lochness Monster took out the Finn Jarrko Nieminen in straight sets. I expected a much tougher match from the Finn but I guess the moment got to him. Divadal decided to skip meeting the Queen saying that he preferred to focus on his tennis. However, we all know that Divadal being the queen that he is, was not about to outshined by another even if she has a real title. Anyways, Divadal was in the fight of his life being taken to 5 sets. He lost the first set 5-7 and it looked like things to be going back his way as he took the second 6-2. However, he lost the third set 3-6. Now what happened next is one of the dumbest moves I know to exist in men’s tennis, playing a five-set match, and being up 2-1 one, you tank the 4^th set in order to preserve energy for the 5^th. That’s nonetheless because in the 5^th set, you are all 2-2 in set. As the player who was down 2 sets to 1, why would I lose my way and let you walk all over me in the 5^th set? The thing is when you are up 2 sets to 1 in a 5 set match especially against a top player, YOU NEED TO GO IN FOR THE KILL! Stupid boy lost the 4^th set 0-6 and then you know Rafa, does not play when you give him an inch, he won 6-3 in the fifth. Rafa Nadal is through to the 3^rd with a similar scare as Mr. Federer. Like I have been saying for some time, the two top men have been showing some nerves as of late and everyone else at the bottom is hungry to take them out. There is absolutely no such thing as free games in the men’s game anymore. If you want to win a match, you have to go out there and win it.

Joining Divadal in the 3^rd round was American Sam “The Grinch” Querry, baby Ali, Xavier Malisse of Belgium who is also playing mixed doubles with his country woman Mommie Dearest. Also getting through was Fognini who you remembered took out Beetlejuice at the French, well he took out American Mike Russell. David Ferrer also won as did Thomas Bellucci of Brazil. John Isner still had to finally finish his match against Nicholas Mahut taking the match 70-68 in the 5^th set. All sorts of records were broken and it was a remarkable match. I do not think any other players would put themselves through that much torture for a 1^st round match perhaps in the finalz. Anyway, what I did not get is that fact that despite all of that play time, Isner allowed himself to be running around giving interviews all over the place. Seriously?? Boy go get treated and some rest and stop flapping your lips. It was crazy considering he had to play first up the next day for his second round match on Friday.

That is one angry lil Frenchman in the middle…dare anyone to shout “Freedom fries” in his face. It would be the Battle of Normandy on your @$$

Isner’s feet or what use to be his feet after the marathon match…ROADKILL

RTFN Big Picture Show
Hotties

Money can’t buy you class but it sure can bring you this. Ms. Lochness Monster, Kim Sears. Now rumor had it that she dumped the Scottish beast cause he was playing with his video games and his ‘lil joystick’ Now she is back in the picture. Sweetie if he picked the plastic box over you in the first round, your chances in round 2 is zero to none. However, you trying to ride that Murray Train cause he is really contending in majors now. So we salute you for being a HOTTIE but with Gold-Digger Status….We not going to hate on your game gurl…but we would call you out on it.

I think someone threw up their salad on her dress…

Ordinarily you know I am hating on the Crackhead but she sure does clean up nicely, looking Unbeweaveable and rocking it out for the Queen.

Nottie

I could see what kept you away for 33 years. You come in an aquamarine house coat, cardboard looking hat and faux leather/plastic black handbag? OFF WITH HER HEAD for fashion high treason.

MIXED BAG..

Is she a tennis player or trying to become female Usain Bolt??

Or perhaps a ballerina a la Natalia Makarova.

Andy did you steal that nice man who served us lunch jacket?? WTF Andy…your wife is a supermodel.. and this is your best effort??

Mr. Federer showing you how it is done. Are my eyes deceiving me?? Andy is bad enough with a dinner jacket but is D’Joker Harelqueen showing up to meet the Queen in a tracksuit?? And a bloody white one to make matters worse with white sneakers. WTF He is Serbian not Italian from Staten Island. You can really tell the real queens from the fake ones because some people are just like school in August….NO CLASS!

The Queen to the Danish Biscuit: Young Lady you did not have to go through all this trouble trying to look like Genevieve. We are not in King Arthur’s Court so you should really fix your hair. It’s rather dreadful. Fivehead: I was trying to tell her that but that shirt she stole from her daddy was killing me as are those white pants and the black belt too. I couldn't anymore.

How the Queen prepares to pick her nose… She is a lady in public…so first you act like you’re going to scratch your lip…Is she some sort of Witch of Oz with pink spectacles??

Does anyone have a pencil I can borrow so I can write on this paper chest “DON’T LEAVE PAPER LYING AROUND ON COURT!”

I’m gonna sell all this shite on EBay…especially considering the bullshit salary you all have been giving me… You know what happens to a man sitting in the same spot for three days straight?? Let’s sure say I am going to take the proceeds and by stocks in the Preparation H company.

Get out of the way you ole Itch…

You're getting in my fcuking way...

And don’t you ever call Foot Fault on me again!… or I would make you a weed in this grass…you heard…

High flying Adore…

Houston we have lift off

Give it to me good… give it to me good..

Harder…Harder… Harder…Harder…

ONLY IN ENGLAND..

Can the court jester run wild….

And they vacuum the grass……Hmmmm

Wimbledon 2010: Day 3

Wimbledon is in its 4^th day today and it’s all the buzz because Queen Elizabeth II is set to be around the grounds after a 33-year absent. She will meet top players, Mr. Federer, Serenanator, watch Lochness Monster, Divadal, listen about the state of British Junior Tennis, etc etc stroll around the grounds and do what she does best, stay silent and have people make a fuss of themselves around her. Now, you may not know this about me but I really dislike the notion of the British Monarchy. Historically, they have cause a lot of destruction and troubles in its Empire and quite frankly at this point, I really see it as a useless institution. Did you know that the Queen is technically the head of state for every single country in the Commonwealth including Canada, Australia, much of the Caribbean and a significant portion of Africa and she can in essence veto any decision that they make? I feel the Royal family is very much out of touch with reality and taking up space, money and time. Don’t get me started on how narcissistic I think the Queen is having her face plastered over much of the world’s currency. She does nothing at all but has a say in matter. I really find the entire thing ridiculous. The age of divine sovereignty is over and the royal family should be dissolved and put to work. I am not going to get myself all worked up over this tired old Queen because I deal with queens all the time and I tell you, I have no amount of patience for them and their antics and this one and her ridiculous handbags and ugly hat. Like WTF with the handbags…not like she is going to stop off at Harrods to buy herself some makeup or another fugly hat??

And of course, Wimbledon did not disappoint with their bullshit. Serena Williams will be relegated to Courrtt 2 so that Carolina Wozniacki can play on Centre Court. Are you fcuking kidding me?? The reason being Murray, Divadal and Wozniacki all are from countries with monarchy. That’s some bullshit. NYC alone has more queens than we can deal with. I mean there is an entire borough for Queens. WhoTF is Wozniacki to be trumping our American royalty? Serena has dominated Centre Court and you going to put her on Court 2 because some of ole bag of wind and tiger balm. This is not even right. Players get to have lunch with the Queen but who the hell wants her ole tea bags, wrinkled prunes, dried up apples and sour milk?? Don’t worry I am getting off the Hater Express next stop.

Oh yeah…you all are here to see me. Why? We No Hail No Queen

Anyway let’s get to the tennis..

I wish I could tell you I know what the fcuk Mr. Federer is doing on court but I really cannot say. In his last two matches, Mr. Federer is looking like he is ranked 35 in the world. In his first match, he was one game away from losing the match and I swear he was as calm as they come. He said in the press conference that he was lucky to have survived that match. Now he had played Falla several times before and beaten him handily. However, yesterday, he was playing a Serbian qualifier ranked I think 115 in the world. Yet Mr. Federer out there playing shit losing the 2 set in a tie-breaker. He was pushed to 4 sets winning the final one in another tie-breaker. I think he trying some different tactics and perhaps he felt that he lost the French because he was not tested in his first 4 matches but seriously Mr. Federer, you are Roger Fcuking Federer. You don’t be playing bloody cat and mouse games with the underlings. The odd thing is that he is just smiling on the court and looking like a spring daisy with the least sign of worry on his face. Meanwhile I am over here a nervous wreck. I cannot deal well with this sort of stress level. I had to bury the Crackhead because he was giving me ulcers only to have Mr. Federer fcuking with my stomach again. I will not have it. Hopefully he has figured out whatever it is he is trying to do. Perhaps he is living on the edge because there is very little else he needs to do in tennis to prove himself as being the greatest. Other than the calendar grand slam, there is nothing else and getting to number one again, which I am sure he would be able to do by the end of the year, Divadal or no Divadal.

Good job my @$

As Mr. Federer was playing, American John Isner and France’s Nicolas Mahut had already begun the fifth set of their match. They ended play on Tuesday at the end of the 4^th set because of bad light. When Mr. Federer started play it was about 11-11 in their match. And they played on…Remember that it is only at the US Open where there is a tie-break in the final set. Apparently, it came about because the US could not stand to be delayed because of late tennis coverage. Isner has never won a match at Wimbledon and Mahut, well he is determined to get his win. Because Mahut served second in the 5^th set, he is at a disadvantage because at 4-5, he has to serve to stay in the match all the time. Isner has a bomb of a serve and was aceing like no tomorrow.

The two men coming out from a bathroom break.

Mr. Brooklyn Decker took on Michael Llodra of France. Llodra has a coach in Amelie Mauresmo, Wimbledon champion in 2006. Now, it is unusual for a woman to coach a male player but I mean French players are not known to be great grass court players. Llodra won Eastbourne last Saturday, a grass court tournament. So, all in all I would say that the choice was a good one. However, imagine my surprise when I heard that Llodra hired Mauresmo to help “calm” things down, deal with the mental part of the game. I almost choked on my oatmeal. Are you kidding me? French people are crazy but this was beyond crazy, it was diabolical. Mauresmo is one of the greatest talent the women’s game has ever seen. She can do everything and then some on the court. However, Amelia Mauresmo is one of the greatest chokers ever. You give her a lead and she would be fall all over herself before the end of the match. She only has two majors when she should have at least a career grand slam. In 2003 in the quarterfinals at the French Open, the Serenanator who is no clay court player put a literal beat down on the Frenchwoman that she has never been the same at that tournament. Incidentally, the French cannot stand Serenanator since then. Since she got those two majors under her belt in 2006, Mauresmo has done NOTHING at all on court and finally retired in 2009. Now, they are asking this bag of nuts to help another bag of nuts. They must be all squirrels and true to form, Llodra showed what he learnt from Mauresmo. He took the first set 6-4. He was kicking Andy’s @$$. There was absolutely nothing Mr. Decker was doing that was hurting the Frenchman. He kept it up for nearly two sets but in true Mauresmo fashion, he unraveled and lost the match.

Johnny “Drama” Chase from Entourage in the off season playing tennis?? WTF

In other wins yesterday, D’Joker Harlequeen came out in better form than in his first round match. He knocked out American Taylor Dent. Hewitt also won when his opponent retired. It did not matter because Hewitt brewing with confidence with his title win over Mr. Federer, was well on his way to victory. Feliciano Lopez, Jurgen Melzer, Arnaud Clement, Beetlejuice, all won yesterday as did Thomas Berdych and Florian Mayer who beat American Mardy Fish. Meanwhile Nicolas Mahut and John Isner are still playing. In upsets yesterday, Daniel “German Lager” Brands beat Nicolay Davydenko “White Russian” in straight sets. Davydenko coming fresh off injury is not in the best of shape but nice to see the hot German making a legitimate name for himself.

We still have to play……….NOOOOOOOOOO

On the women’s side.
The Belgians again came out in stellar form though Mask Justine was having all sorts of serving troubles especially when she was serving for the match, where she got broken 2 times. Mask Justine speaks of wanting to win Wimbledon but not with that serve. Mommie Dearest too got broken when she served for the match but did it 6-3 6-2. The Crackhead again struggled to close out her match after being up 6-0 5-2, yet got broken and finally won on the return game winning 6-0 6-4. Fivehead Jankovic aka Big Bird’s lil sis struggled mightily yesterday but was able to send Cookie Monster’s lil sister back to Sesame Street. I was so praying for an upset but it was denied one more day. Daniella finished out here match with a win over American Vania King, Zvonereva won as did Wickmayer of Belgium and Maria Kirilenko. Americans Melanie “Dot” Oudin and Shenay Perry both lost yesterday. Shahar Peer lost yesterday to a qualifier; very disappointing as I felt she was on her way to being in the top ten. All the ladies matches were completed and still Isner and Mahut are still playing. They were are tied 59-59 in the fifth set. The scoreboard broke at 47-47. It is a record by all standards. They have played over 7 hours alone in the 5^th set 10 hours for the entire match. Isner has 98 aces and Mahut has served to stay in the match 55 times saving 4 match points. THAT IS THE CRAZY STAT. SO many players choke while serving for the match and he did it 55 times.

Why won't this end???

Anyway, in today’s match Lochness Monster is set to play Jarkko Neiminen of Finland. You would remember that he pushed Mr. Decker to 5 sets at the French. So don’t be surprised if there is an upset. Murray is likely to choke because the Finn has absolutely nothing to lose and all the pressure is on Murray to win here especially in front of the Queen. You know how much of a heady player he is. Divadal is also set to play as well as Shriekapova and the Serenanator. I hope you all are having a cool day.

RTFN Big Picture Show..
Hotties: BLONDES HAVE MORE FUN.

German Lager

Angelique Kerber of Germany

Karolina Sprem of Croatia…..I am going to leave that last name alone 

Daniella giving the stare down to the Saw clown.

Oh gawd…….we still playing on….

Again today there is no Notties….WOW only beautiful people at Wimbledon?? No tomorrow we have to be on the hunt. Also not much for our mixed bag. Hmmm I have to send my photographers out for some work.

I’m just going to take a nap right now…I don’t want to play anymore….

STOPPPP

You all know I am a hating and I have been hating on Mardy the Whale, well, I think Mardy the Whale is now Mardy the Eel

I don’t believe this at all……..this has to be CGI a la 300…no way…I have some work to do before I hit the beach this summer.

Mofos…STOP Playing I need to pee…

Ooooo…This is what the weather is like down here……..It’s raining where my head is.

We’re finally here at Wimbledon 2010: Day 1

The Defending Champions. Is it just me or is Mr. Federer looking a lil extra spicy in his pose?

Well folks, Wimbledon is upon once again and by the time most of you read this, match play would have already begun. Now usually, these championships are heralded with much fanfare. Although, somehow this year for me, the entire tournament just feels a bit bland. I feel no particular excitement or sense of anticipation despite the fact that Wimbledon brings out the best in the top players. There was no real drama or build up to this event. Perhaps it’s because most of the top players thus far this year have been playing horrendous tennis and looking very lackadaisical out on court. In recent weeks, top players, especially on the men’s side, have all lost to virtual “nobodies.” Mr. Federer, Divadal, Lochness Monster, Mr. Brooklyn Decker, D’Joker Harlequeen have all lost on grass. They all come into this tournament on very shaky grounds. As for the women, well, you know how they usually roll, considering that Francesco Schiabone is the 2010 French Open winner. I need not say more. Unlike previous majors, I did not issue a preview issue. I had it all written and ready to go and decided against it since most people find the lack of pictures and the abundance of actual tennis discussion quite preposterous for a tennis blog. So, in a magnanimous gesture, I would start off this RTFN’s Wimbledon 2010 series with actual tennis play. I hope you enjoy and don’t forget to keep checking out this blog and also to COMMENT. I do apologize for the late edition but you get a twofer today. That should make up and put you all back in my good graces.

To the women: Just as it is for the men when we speak of clay, we speak of who is it Rafael “Divadal” Nadal is going to beat in the final, so it is on the women’s side when we discuss grass, we have to speak of the Williams’ sisters. The Serenanator and the Crackhead are by far the greatest female grass court players of their generation…to be more precise of the 21^st century. Going back to 2000, the last 10 championships that have been held, they have won a combined 8 of them and one or two of them in the finals 9 out of 10. They won the last three years with Serenanator the defending champion. The Crackhead has been the more stellar of the two with 5 championships. When she gets on the grass, you swear it is an entirely different player you see as oppose to the one who usually turn up everywhere else. Though I cannot forget to mention that in 2004 and 2006, she lost inexplicably to Karolina Sprem and Jelena “Fivehead” Jankovic (Therein lies one of the many reasons why I cannot stand that big-headed….not going to finish that one). Anyways, the real truth of the matter is that when it comes to Wimbledon, the question is really, which of the Williams sisters is going to win it or lose it because the answer really lies with them. There is ABSOLUTELY NO WOMAN currently on tour who can beat them on grass if they are playing their usually brand of tennis. Anyways, to the women results…

The sisters: The ones to beat.

The bottom half of the women’s draw played on Monday. The Belgians Kim “Mommie Dearest” Clijsters and Justine “No Justice Justine” Henin are on the same side of the draw as the Crackhead. This could be a problem for the Crackhead. However, the two Belgians have to play each other before they could potentially face the American, so the Crackhead just have to deal with one of them and in the past, she has dealt with them handily on the grass of Wimbledon. Anyways, Mommie Dearest came out on court in her usual major first round fashion. She was kicking @$$ with a 6-0 6-3 victory. No Justice Justine had a tougher time but also came through in straight sets. The cheating Belgian has made it no secret that she came back to win Wimbledon. She has made it to two finals losing to the Crackhead and Amelie Mauresmo and also made it to the semis I think on 3 occasions again losing to the Williams sisters and Marian “Gloria the Hippo” Bartoli. Other winners include Jelena “Fivehead” Jankovic, Maria Kirilenko, Yanina Wickmayer, Vera Zveronareva, the Hippo and Cookie Monster’s lil sister aka Alexandra Wozniack. Americans also made it big with wins from Melanie Oudin and Shenay Perry. The Crackhead also won 6-3 6-2. However, she got broken in both sets after being up 5-1 in the first and 5-0 in the second. This sort of lapse in focus is totally unacceptable at this stage of play. “A shocker:” Francesco Schiabone, 2010 French Open champion lost in the first round to Vera Dushevina (yeah you are pronouncing it correctly. I am not so sure about Russian names because I do know of one girl whose name sounds like…you know what, I am not going to say it…like the clinical term for “lady bits.” Are we surprise that Schiabone is out early? NO we aren’t. Ana Ivanovic lost again early at a major. No real surprise or upset. She lost in straight sets to Shehar Peer, the “Jewish Hammer” Ivanovic needs to take some time off or something. This is getting to be uncomfortable seeing her struggling in this manner. Go home and pick up needlepoint for a bit, clear your head, smoke some weed, do something except show up on court. You’re taking up space.

The Crackhead in her new outfit. She claims it was Tina Turner inspired. Although she got the legs for the part, I am gonna say that she is channeling Tina during the cocaine years

It looks like Christmas tree tassels on the bottom and we all know white Christmas trees are TACKY. This dress is a HOT WHITE MESS.

I can see the reason for the Tina parallel, Legs (check), weave (check), longevity (check), Crackheadish (check) Ike??? …..Hmm does Serena beating her all the time count??

Elena “the Demented One” Dementieva, Maria Martinez-Sanchez and Dinara Safina are all out due to injury. Dinada and the Demented One both made the semifinals last year, so they are going to be dropping in the rankings after this tournament.

The Menz:
Three weeks ago, I would have said that Mr. Federer and Divadal will meet in the Wimbledon finals again but today, I would not be surprise if Dudi Sela of Israel or American Mardy Fish holds up the trophy at the end of the day. In the 3 or so grass court tournaments that have been played in as many weeks, NONE of the top men won a title and they all lost to “nobodies and has beens.” I do not know what the hell is going on but these men need to get it together. And if you think perhaps it was the French Open blues that had these men out of sorts…they came into Wimbledon looking all rusty. Mr. Federer, D’Joker Harlequeen and The White Russian (Nikolay Davydenko back from injury) all were taken to 5 sets. They all won, most notably, Mr. Federer’s 5-7 4-6 6-4 7-6 6-0 victory. Mr. Federer was on the brink of defeat to a player who he has beaten quite easily in the past. Mr. Federer lost the first two sets and a mere 6 points from going home early. He himself stated that he got lucky. I am really glad he knows that he got lucky. However, after watching the match, I have to say that Mr. Federer was not playing bad at all. He was playing stellar but he was being outplayed. I also noticed that Mr. Federer was using some very “new” tactic. He was putting a lot of spin on the ball a la Rafa Nadal. It was really interesting as there were so many times he spun the ball so low, the crowd audibly gasped thinking it was going to hit the net but it went over. Mr. Federer is trying to mix things up. We will see what happens. I hope all the top men realize that there are no more free points or easy matches because everyone is gunning for the top guys.

Yeah Mr. Federer...you were ONE game away from losing in Round ONE

Alejandro Falla of Columbia….as per his namesake, no surprise that he failed to a win over Mr. Federer.

In other wins, Mr. Brooklyn Decker , Mardy the Whale (coming off a Queen’s Club final appearance…also they claim he lost 25 pounds since last year LOL…like Kim Kardashian losing 10 pounds every week according to the tabloids) Beetlejuice, Llyeton Hewitt (Dog the Bounty Hunter’s son) Taylor Dent, Jurgen Melzer and Hottie Daniel Brands all won.

D’Joker Harlequeen being dramatic every chance she gets…

Before I go on, I have to address this issue of Divadal being seeded number 2 despite being the number 1 player in the world. Now many feel that this is unfair. However, I really think people are giving this issue too much weight for nothing. First off, Mr. Federer is CLEARLY the better grass court player, he has made it to 7 consecutive finals losing ONCE to Divadal, who lost TWICE to Mr. Federer. Mr. Federer is the defending champion. It really does not matter whether it was Divadal 1 or Mr. Federer 2 but I think Wimbledon was just showing some respect to Mr. Federer. Divadal should not be worried about this at all. However, I am surprise that there is much talk about this when Wimbledon has shown NO RESPECT to the Williams sisters who have never enjoyed any sort of preferential seeding from the committee but of course, the pundits ignore this. Really there is no issue here. Let it go people.

Notable absentee on the men’s side include Ernest Gulbis who was set to meet Divadal, Ivo Karlovic and Fernando Gonzalez.

In today’s action, Serenanator, Shriekapova, Divadal, Hood, James Blake came back, Lochness Monster and others are all up to play. Complete coverage of Day 2 should also be in your inbox..

RTFN BIG PICTURE SHOW:
HOTTIES: DRINK TO THE HOTNESS

First some German Lager….Daniel Brands (6’5” need I say more)

Then some Red Stripe for that tropical flavor…. Dennis Brown of Jamaica. (He’s half German as well)

And finally some French Roast café au lait to deal with the hangover…

Ahhhhhh finalemente…I finally found the perfect name for Cheating Justine… “Mask”

See the resemblance?? How many of you remembered this classic 80’s flick with Cher, Sam Elliot and Eric Stoltz playing Rocky Dennis??

Rajeev Ram sorta got a beat down with the ugly stick

MIXED BAG PHOTO…
To our SSSC (Siblings of Sesame Street Characters)

Melanie Oudin

And her sister Abby Cadabby

I think Big Bird came up check up on his sister

Ain’t she just look special??

Hmmmmmmm…I think she got a boob job with the French Open prize money…

I’m just gonna have a lil snack while she’s on the phone talking to her manz…

Put more lube...put more lube

My head hurts...my feet hurts....and everything in between

So I’m thinking since Brazil is in South Africa, she wasn’t able to get one done but at the rate that Amazon is growing, she going to be needing not just a Brazilian but a whole South American

The Tennis Gods Must Be Crazy!!!

Who is the winner here??

It is either that the tennis gods have lost their minds or Karma is serving up some humble pies as this week the top players are losing to players they have dominated in the past. This just in: To follow up the overthrow of the royalty at Queen’s Court, Roger Federer lost in three sets 6-3 6-7 4-6 to Lleyton Hewitt at the Gerry Weber Open. This is Hewitt’s first title of the year and he finally picked up a win against Mr. Federer having lost the last 15 meetings. I did point out yesterday the fact  that Mr. Federer was looking very shaky and according to today’s match statistics, it was his poor service game that done him in. It seems only fair that Mr. Federer loses once in a while and to players who he has obliterated. With the exception of Nadal, coming into the match he lost, Mr. Federer had a winning/exceptional record against his opponents: He was 8-1 against Thomas Berdych, 2-0 against Ernest Gulbis, 12-1 against Nikolay Davydenko, 6-0 against Marcos Baghdatis, 12-0 up with Robin Soderling, 3-0 against Albert Montanes and 17-7 against Hewitt. Other than the Australian Open, Mr. Federer has not won a title even when he plays a depleted field, as he did in Estoril, Portugal and now Halle, Germany. Right now, he is 27-8 and we are in mid-June. Mr. Federer has  a lot of re-tooling of his game to do if he expects to win a 7th Wimbledon title and reclaim his number one ranking.

Oh he won...WOW! Hewitt a champion once again

Mr. Federer is starting to look awkward out on court these days

The Grinch who "stole" Queens Club tournament over Mardy "The Whale" Fish

Though with Sam Querry just winning Queen’s Club over Mardy Fish 7-6 7-5, in a draw where Rafael Nadal, Novak Djokovic, Andy Murray, Andy Roddick, Marin Cilic and Gael Monfils all showed up to play, one wonders if perhaps we might not see a surprise Wimbledon winner as we did at the French. In most of the clay court tournaments leading up to the French on the women’s side, we saw a lot of surprise winners; Sanchez in Rome and Rezai in Madrid then we had Schiabone holding up the trophy in Paris over Stosur. WTF??…WTMFFF?? Is the men’s side ready to be shaken up? Who will hold up the trophy come the second Sunday at Wimbledon? Should we etch in Ivo Karlovic’s name instead of Andy Murray perhaps? WOW. What the hell is going on in tennis heaven? Though I would have to say that we should have figured something was up when Ivan Ljubicic hoisted the Indian Wells trophy over Andy Roddick this year. I’m going to be a rough year this 2010. There is going to be much drama down to the wire. Interestingly enough, right now as we speak, Novak Djokovic is out on the court playing in the doubles finals with partner Jonathan Erlich in London. So he still stands a chance at being the only top with a winner’s trophy in his hand at the end of the day.

Meanwhile in Birmingham, Maria Shriekapova lost to Li Na or Na Li in straight sets 7-5 6-1. Apparently, Maria was suffering from the serving yips again. She threw in 7 double faults and as we know about Na Li/Li Na as per her Aussie Open win over Venus Williams, if you are not serving well, she will make you pay.

Gosh darn it...I missed another one...

Li Na/Na Li: WTF I just won the tournament and they gave me a gravy bowl as a trophy. WTF? Is it because I am Chinese they think I could use it to serve up some duck sauce?? Who the fcuk running this shit cause I am about to karate chop some English @$$?