French Open 2013: Jour 1

The 2013 French Open is on and in full effect

So the French Open begun today and the French in an effort to promote this Sunday start brought out some of the big guns to play. The Williams Sister, Mr. Federer, Fiery Ferrer, Sara Errani, Simon and Ivanovic were all up for play. Overall it was a nice mix. However, because so many of the players I like to watch were player, I missed the gym. No merci.

Let us start with the ladies. Sara Errani (5), 2012 French Open finalist was the 1st player through to the 2nd round at these championships. She took out an inconsistent but dangerous player in the form of Aranxta Rus of Netherlands 6-1 6-2. Rus you would remember took out Kim Clijster aka Mommie Dearest/Princess Fiona in the 2010 French Open if I am not mistaken and Rus also had a nice run at the French last year. However, she has done little to match that sorta form as of late and will her rankings plummet even farther. Ana Ivanovic (14) also won, the 2008 French Open champion. However, it was more Ivanovic the Terrible out on court. This girl cannot get her life together. It took her 3 sets to deal with her opponent who was nothing special out there. It is as though Ana is afraid to be winning because no sooner is she up in a match then she decides that keeping the ball in play is not what she is supposed to do on court. Granted that her overall game has some serious flaws and I really hate her fist pump motion, she is so much better than her current ranking.

The Serenanator in full in destroying mode

The overwhelming favourite at these championships, the Serenanator (1) put all fears aside by dismantling Ana Tatishvili of Georgia 6-0 6-1. There is no questioning the Serenanator’s form on clay these days and she looked as ever impressive. However, I just wish people will lay off the Serenanator and last year’s early round lost against Virginie Razzano. Razzano lost the next round and needed a wild card to get into this event. Putting that little fact aside, since that 1st round lost, the American as lost I think a total of 3-4 times since. Last summer, she won two Olympic gold medals, Wimbledon and the US Open; took Istanbul in convincing fashion in the fall. That lost was an anomaly, a tiny blip in the radar that will not show up again. I know it was a strange loss but the Serenanator has definitely reprogrammed herself and is all about the business of winning. She is looking really good. It is hard to describe fully her play since then. She is really on it.

Someone get Nadia a GPS to find her game. Every time you think she’s found her way, she gets lost again

Other winners include Sabine Lisicki (32), Anastasia Pavlyuchenkova (19) who is working with Martina Hingis as her coach. I know right. Hingis was unable to win the French despite her clay court prowess. She made it to two finals and lost them badly especially that 1999 meltdown against Steffi Graff. I have to admit though that she was right about the call. Anyway, Frenchwomen Caroline Garcia and Razzano also won as well as Soriana Cirstea (26). Nadia Petrova (11) lost to Monica Puig of Puerto Rico in 3 sets. I do not know how Nadia got to be the 11th seed and clearly nor does she.
I have to deal with Venus Williams in her own paragraph because to be honest, I am not sure what else I can say about this woman.

My Venus Ebony Starr Williams. Gurl you know I loving the au naturel hairdo #nomoreweavedramainyourlife

Venus is my favourite player of all time though my emotional connection to her is quite problematic. For her to rise to the top of my favourite list is really hard since I heart Monica, Mr. Federer and Pete Sampras not mention all my crushes Dimitrov, Brands etc etc. Anyway, Venus played Urszula Radwanska, the little sister of Aggie Radwanska aka Bratzwanska and fanz it was a messy match. Venus was a source of oxymorons today. She played well and yet did not play well. She was hitting great shots but yet they were not great shots. Her serve was on but it was well off the mark. I do not know how to describe the events today fully other than to say she lost 6-7 7-6 6-4 and is out of the French Open.

The agony of hard work not paying off

I am always very critical of Venus Williams because in many ways, I feel like her triumphs are my triumphs and conversely, her failures/losses are mine. I scream, I shout, I tweet whenever she is out on court failing to win. I am always a mess with her matches. Take today for example, Venus was HORRID at the net. I do not care what people say, Venus needs to learn how to volley. She rarely is able to put away the ball at the net. Her shots always land high and her opponents get to tee off. She is at the net and cannot stop the passing shots and is very susceptible to being lobbed. She got up to the net today and it was a disaster. I kept shouting at my computer and it was all to no avail. It hurt so badly but yet Venus kept rushing the net like gangbusters and at times she was very successful but for me that made her lose the match. I think hurt the most was the tremendous effort Venus was putting out on court and it was not paying dividend. In her press conference, she spoke about how her serving is being affected by her back. I was a mess yesterday!

Urszula knocked out my Venus. I wanna hate on her so badly but she deserved the win

I have to give Urszula credit because her defensive skills were pretty good. It was like she had the password to Venus’s brain and knew where she was going with every shot. She got some game but if she is struggling this mightily against a player like Venus who will be 33 next June and is plagued with a debilitating disease as well as a bad back, gurl this match is more a minus than a plus. You could have easily have lost this match just the same. All in all I have to say I am really proud of Venus for still fighting. You can see the effort out there. It is tremendous but it hurts when you are not seeing the results. I know there is another slam in you.

Oh Urszula, the Serenanator is planning your destruction as we speak!

Easy, breezy and beautiful Mr. Federer

On the men’s side of the draw, things were rather routine. Mr. Federer dispatched a young Spanish player Pablo Carreno Busta in straight sets. This Spanish player definitely has a bright future ahead of him.

Pablo Carreno Busta of Spain. I am claiming this Caliente hotness as my own right now so you other itches just back up!!!

Other winners include David Ferrer (4), Milos Raonic (14) in 4 sets, Andreas Seppi who almost dispatched Djoker last year at this tournament, won in 5 sets. American Sam Querry, aka The Grinch, he is also through to the 2nd round. IN the batter of losers, Troicki managed to beat James Blake in straight sets. For one brief moment, it looked like James Blake might make something happen but it was only a glimmer and it soon faded. Gilles Simon found himself down 2 sets to love against veteran Hewitt. However, he soon righted his ship and steered for home with a 5 set win over the Aussie.

Chicken legs Simon got to running because they almost got bounced in straight sets

Fefe Lopez has to finish his match against country man Granollers. They are tied 2 sets a piece. The more Fefe we see the better

That is pretty much of it for mentionable matches for Day 1. Day 2 has a lot of interesting match ups in particular the Berdshite v Beetlejuice match. LiNaLi will be in action tomorrow as well as Divadal, Shriekapova, Bratzwanska, Baby Ali Tsonga, Gasquet, Danish Biscuit, Carebear Kerber, Kuzi Rex, Slaone Stephens and Juan Monaco.

The Mama Lioness was not amused by this Radwanska the lesser dealing with her baby on court

Wimbledon 2012: Day 2

Realz coming at your from the grass courts of Wimbledon

There was a contest on Centre Court yesterday between GHW (Grand High Witch) aka Petra Kvitova, reigning Wimbledon ladies champ and Argul Amanmuradova. It was not a beauty contest by any stretch of the imagination but we are not here in England to settle superficial disputes; we are here to play sports. GHW started off badly enough down 1-4. However, she got her life together and won the match 6-4 6-4! Title defense in full effect…and we are back on the broom. Kvitova has not played well on regular tour level events but she has made it to the semis of the last two majors. So she will not be one to slight over at these championships.

Grand High Witch Kvitova

Amanmuradova looking like a dementor with her huge self or perhaps Madame Maxime

Mere happenstance that this famous author is on hand to watch GHW match?…Hmmm

Vera Zvonareva who had to complete her 1^st round match today and took out Moaning Mona Barthel 6-4 in the 3^rd set. The 2010 Wimbledon finalist is struggling to regain the sort of form that saw her as a regular fixture in the 2^nd week at majors. The Serenanator and Vickie also had their 1^st round matches today and they both made it look like work. They won the 1^st comfortably but in the 2^nd they were struggling though they both won it 6-4. I for one think Vickie should go back to her shorts and the Serenanator, hopefully she saw a shrink or some exorcist to help deal with the demons that run amok in her life as of late.

The Serenanator trying to find her way back to major winning form

Other winners include, Schiabone who found herself in a tough battle against British youngster, Laura Robson. And speaking of British ladies, Anne Keaothavong won another match 6-3 6-3. Finally! Apparently, my lil rant during the French Open help or perhaps, it is the Olympics coming to town that has these British gals trying to give the home crowd something to cheer about as Elena Baltacha also won. Both Baltacha and Keaothavong got wild card entrants into the Olympics games. Personally, I would have given one of those wild cards to Heather Watson and the other perhaps to Robson. I think Watson is the only one of the British gals who appear as though their main interest is tennis.

Yeah I finally won a match at a major this year

Aleksandra Wozniak aka Cookie Monster’s lil sister won as did Fattychunkova, Fatoli who is definitely losing weight, American Christina McHale who is never trustworthy with a lead but found a way to win today. She will join fellow American Lepchenko and Wickmayer who beat Kuzi-Rex. Now, you know I am not a huge fan of Kuzi-Rex but I do not hate her. However, she really gets me mad. I do not understand why it is that she is playing so poorly as of late. There is no effort on her part these days and it is really disgusting to see a two time major winner who is not suffering from any known aliments, act as though she just got on the tour. Really disappointing.

Hmmm I change my mind… he looks more like an ostrich and they got small brains but he might do in a pinch. It looks like something milky is leaking out of your mouth…hmmm

On the men’s side, well things started to get interesting when Thomaz Bellucci raced off to a 4-0 lead over Lord Dirt Divadal. The Brazilian is a brilliant young talent but you know how these young guns often times shoot blanks. No sooner did Beaulucci (I saw recent pictures of him and I am not so sure I am feeling him much anymore. I will pass!) anyway… no sooner did Bellucci get the double break than he gifted them right back to Divadal. He was able to push to a tiebreaker where the shite show continued. Bellucci did not win a single point in the tiebreaker and only won 5 more games for the rest of the match. Divadal 7-6 6-2 6-3. Now it might seem that Divadal has fashioned himself Bjorg hier apparent and takes Wimbledon very seriously. He has made it to the finals 5 times, winning the title twice. He is not here foro shits and giggles and he intends to lay waste to all who comes in his way. D’Joker Harlequeen is no longer the threat that he was last year. In their last 4 meetings, Divadal won 3 of them albeit they were all on clay. Nonetheless, he is looking for his 12^th major title and perhaps closing in on Mr. Federer’s record 16.

Lord Dirt Divadal with his face all contorted as though he has muscular dystrophy.

Lochness Monster had his 1^st round match against the one time top player Nikolay Davydenko. Not so long ago, Davydenko was a feared individual capable of silencing any and all of the top men. Now, he is a mere white shadow of himself, struggling to win tour level matches much more those at majors. Lochness Monster chewed him up 6-1 6-1 6-4. Baby Ali aka Tsonga faced the 2002 Wimbledon champion in Hewitt. However, on the 10^th year anniversary of his victory, Baby Ali gave the Australian a gift of time but sending him off in the 1^st round for celebrations 6-3 6-4 6-4. And speaking up 2002, Hewitt is currently ranked 202 and I believe, with lost, he might be playing challengers next week. Perhaps he might consider retiring and helping Beth with the kids. In any case, most fanz would not miss him…I know I won’t. He could also mentor that hog of a child in Bernard Tomic. Someone needs to reign in that douchebag before he spills all over the place.

Lochness Monster thinks this might be the year for him!

And speaking of the idiot, he played David Goffin, the very same one who gave Mr. Federer all sorts of trouble at the French. Tomic won the 1^st set 6-3 but from then all, the Hobbit worked his magic and claimed the next three 6-3 6-4 6-4. With these Aussie losses, it means no Australian man is in the 2^nd round of a major. I believe that may not have ever happened… LOL actually, it has not happened in a long long time. However, before I got on a rampage on Australian tennis, consider that the US hardly has any strong male contenders these days and Switzerland only in essence have Mr. Federer and Fatanka. I think Australia is struggling with its own history and they should consider addressing this problem more proactively instead of hoping for the next Laver or Rafter to rise up out of the rashes of their once former tennis empire.

B gurl, might I suggest a cup because you surely need to tuck. I can offer you a thimble because from the looks of things, we all know you are not nimble. At first I thought it was a tick then I realise, boy it’s your dick. It won’t take long because gurl…you sure ain’t hung..looks more like you got stung! So put your dong in a thong because we don’t want to see it around.

Beast Boy Del Potro won his match as did Delicious Dmitriov. Marin Cilic, Fatdatis, Dolgopolov aka BWLLAGWLLAB, Nieminen who took out the hotness in FeFe Lopez, Mardy Fish, Kei Nishikori, Nicolas Almagro and Philipp Kohlschreiber who took out Tommy Haas, 2012 Halle winner over Mr. Federer, in 5 sets. So all in all, this day did not really see any major upsets like the 1^st day did. The usual suspects are through to the 2^nd round and still the 3^rd day is set to start and all the 1^st round matches have not been completed.

Oh delish Dimi

My word… I need to learn Spanish… FeFe Lopez is definitely incentive enough… Muy muy bueno y caliente

You just want one night with me? For realz, I would turn your world upside down!

When will Wimbledon learn about scheduling in light of the fact that matches are getting longer and the slightest bit of rain halt matches completely? These majors are overdoing a good joke but we do not have time for this right about now. Do not forget to comment and spread the word about us.

Is this Mirka with another man? Scandal! Scandal! While Mr. Federer is off on the practice courts, you shacking up with some man who reeks of poverty. Skank!

What do you mean I can’t change my bra on court? I am motherfcuking Lord Dirt Divadal. I can do whatever I want.

Look at that beautiful uncomfortable smile. D’Stove as always looking like she’s about to take a shite…

I’m sorry I can’t hear you. Some man is cursing me out…

Yes I am talking to you, you stinking motherfcuker with the purse. Turn off your fcuking phone when I am playing. I’ll whip my dcik out and bitch slap you with it.

Australian Open 2012: Day 6

Well Day 6 at the Aussie Open promised to be crazy exciting but in the end it was sorta a letdown though there were several gems to be treasured. On the ladies GHW was not messing around when she faced Maria Kirilenko of Russia. I guess there was less of a distraction for her across the net as Kiri is gifted in the looks department heavily so than her last opponent Lady Hobbit. Anyway, GHW unleashed her powers and was quickly at 6-0 but Kiri claimed injury and retired after losing the first game of the 2^nd set. Kvitova is through to 4^th round. She is picking up energy and confidence for this tournament.

Thanks for the warm up!!

Next up was Sara Errani of Italy vs Sorana Cirstea of Romania. It was an excellent first set and both ladies battled it out. The first set was literally decided by a couple of points as Cirstea took it in a tie-breaker 7-6. However, she claimed injury after when it became clear that the Italian was not going to be denied a chance for her first 4^th round draw at a major. Cirstea tried to stick around but she got dismissed 0-6 2-6. Errani is through to the next round.

Look at the size of that cranium. It is like Alien v Predator had a baby girl.

Is this a 2008 Aussie Open Shriekapova we are seeing??

Shriekapova and the Serenanator seem on a collision course in the quarters as they both easily dispatched of their opponents. Shriekapova took out the German Angelique Kerber (30^th seed) 6-1 6-2. Kerber you might remember made it to the 2011 US Open semifinals where she lost to eventual champion Sam D’stove Stosur. The Serenanator took out Greta Arn of Hugnary 6-1 6-1. Though I cannot recall the specific head to head between the Russian and the American, it goes without saying that the Serenanator owns Shriekapova. Everyone will remember the 2004 Wimbledon finals where the young upstart took out two time reigning champion and perhaps less so that later that year at the WTA Year Ending Championships, the Russian again beat the American. However, since 2004, Maria has yet to record a win over the American and many of her losses have been no contest including meeting last year in California. The Serenanator treated her with utter disdain. However, the Russian seemed to have put her injuries behind her and apparently in fine form. So it might be a tough match but she has to get past a hard hitting, big serving Sabine Lisicki of Germany where as the Serenanator get past Ekaterina Makarova of Russia.

The Serenanator is on and seeking to destroy!

So Lisicki and Makarova are through to the 4^th round by virtue of “upsets” or another Chernobyl Disaster by their Russian opponents. Lisicki played Kuzi-Rex in the 3^rd round and Kuzi-Rex took the first set 6-2 and was up a break in the 2^nd. I was all ready to say, oh Kuzi Rex is back in fine form and perhaps might be dangerous at this tournament. However, no sooner did I think that than the Russian simply collapsed handing Lisicki belief of winning the tournament.  Kuzi-Rex was up 6-2 4-3, serving to go up 5-3. However, she only won two more games for the rest of the match as she lost 6-2 4-6 2-6. See this is why I cannot deal with Kuzi-Rex. She is a two time major winner and half the time she acts as if she just came on the tour. She looks like a bloody dinosaur but for all that mean and grit in her face, she is as scary as a frigging teddy bear.

This dinosaur is playing like a relic

Absolute waste of time and speaking of that, her country woman Vera ZvonaZERO was no better on court. Against her country woman Makarova who has no real great tour success but of course she faced Vera and she knew she had a chance. Vera came out looking shape racing to a 3-0 lead then lost the next four games, won the next 2 and lost the next 2. She fought to get into the tie break. She just collapsed after that, losing the set and won ONE solitary game in the 2^nd set. 7-6 6-1 Makarova. You know without a doubt, Vera was bawling on court and on her way out. Someone should tape her tear ducts shut. Interestingly enough. ZvonaZero and Kuzi-Rex have teamed up to play doubles at these championships. I guess they are getting ready for the Olympics. Let’s see how well they do here.

Makarova of Russia

The other two matches played, Sailor Moon vs. Ivanovic the Terrible and Jie Zheng vs. La Petite Grosse were not so much remarkable as they were impressive. Ivanovic is showing signs of glory as she made it through to the 4^th round in a major, something that has been rather elusive for her in recent years. (She did make it to the 4^th round of the US Open last year but was knocked out by the Serenanator.) Anyway she took out Sailor Moon (Vania King) in straight sets 6-3 6-4. Up next is Kvitova aka GHW. That’s a tall order because Kvitova is looking to demolish this field.

You might this is Fatoli excited about a point. However it's just here doing one of her on court ballet routine.

In the other match it was Jie Zheng who is no bigger than your thumb (Maybe I should call her Thumbelina or Pixie) Anyway, she came out and was kicking like Jet Li against Fatoli Bartoli. Loads of people had Bartoli as a dark horse pick. LOL I think they had too much over the Christmas break because Bartoli will not win a major barring some unforeseen incident. She is not as consistent and hungry like the other girls….wait I take that back because she is always eating. However, she does not have the depth of play as the top ladies, so I do not factor her in at any major though she has made 2 semis and a final. Her game is too discombobulated and she exerts too much energy on court. No one is afraid of her and few take her seriously. Once her opponent sees the chance to make it big in a major and she is the roadblock, they will be all over her. Nonetheless, I really thought that she would have given Zheng some sorta fight and perhaps proved herself to be superior player. However, Zheng a 2010 semifinalist was not having any of that at all. She played a wonderful match. She was on Fatroli from the jump and the Frenchwoman never had a chance to do anything. Zheng was the better player and she never let up on her advantage. Zheng won 6-3 6-3 and is through to another 4^th round of a major.

On the men’s draw, things were fairly routine for the most part.

Mahut showed up for a marathon but quickly realized that it was a sprint!

D’Juggernaut continues to look very very impressive as he obliterated the Frenchman Nicolas Mahut. Mahut you would remember from the 2010 Wimbledon who played that epic match against BFG 70-68 in the 5^th set. Anyway, against the Serb, it was a 100 metres sprint…wait scratch that, it was a 60-yard dash and he was left in the dust 6-0 6-1 6-1. Mahut claimed injury but I think the only thing that was hurting was both his pride and game. Baby Ali is also playing well as he took out the Portuguese Frederico Gil 6-2 6-2 6-2. Lochness Monster also had an easy time against his French opponent, Michael Llodra who went out 6-4 6-2 6-0, the Scotsman. So many of the top players are playing very very well. It is a love fest all over the tour as people are getting blitz. Even in doubles, the 2^nd seed team of Lisa Raymond and Liezel Huber took out their 1^st round opponent 6-0 6-0.

Lochness Monster is quietly going through the draw

Anyway, we are not here to talk about the ladies doubles event. David Fiery Ferrer is also through to the 4th round. 2011 semifinalist looked a bit out of sorts when he played Juan Ignacio Chela aka Chin Chela. Chin Chela barking at his heels but eventually the Spaniard showed himself to be the superior athlete, 7-5 6-2 6-1.Richard Gasquet (17th seed) took on Janko Tipsarevic (9th seed) and to be honest, I expected an epic match of sorts. Both are immensely talented, though the Frenchman is a shade better. However, in the actual match, Gasquet just blitzed the Serb. Perhaps Tipsarevic was having a bad day but he was totally out of it throughout as Richard took the match 6-3 6-3 6-1. Dennis the Menace aka Milos Raonic of Canada played Dingo Dog Hewitt and I knew that Dennis just would not have had the stamina to squeak out this win plus the Aussie crowd has been rather vicious this year and were strongly behind their man. Raonic managed to win the first set 6-4 but eventually Dingo Dog proved too dogged for the Canadian and he lost in 4 sets 4-6 6-3 7-6 6-3 Hewitt. Hewitt received a wild card to get into these championships if I am not mistaken and he is not wasting this invitation. He is in the 4th round but will be face the onslaught of the D’Juggernaut. Kei Nishikori of Japan took care of Julian Benneteau of France in 4 sets 4-6 7-6 7-6 6-3. This was a match of determination and will and the Japanese proved to be the stronger in the end.

Nishikori

The final men’s match to speak of and for me the match of the tournament and perhaps one for the ages, is Gael Monfils of French vs Mikhail Kukushkin of Kazakhstan. This was an epic match. Beetlejuice came out and won the first 2 games followed by  Kukushkin reeling off 8 straight games. 6-2 2-0. Beetle decided that he was going to call trainer complaining of back pain and he was moving like an ugly old man on court. For those who know tennis, they know Monfils is all about his speed. However, in yesterday’s match, he looked all but ready for the wheelchair. He was hobbling, walking gingerly to shots and at times, just giving up.

Beetlejuice looked like he was all dried up

Kukushkin raced to a 5-1 lead in the 2nd. However, here is where things got very very interesting. I for one will admit that I thought it unwise for BJ to continue. I mean it was obvious he could not move and Kukushkin was just pouncing all over the balls. However a strange thing happened Kushi went to serve for the set;  he began to choke and he was CHOKING big time. It was like watching a hanging. Kushi could not create his own pace at all and Beetlejuice just pushed the ball back and allowed Kushi to make the errors. Then it was now 5-5 all. However, Kushi pulled out the 2nd set 7-5 and enjoyed a 2-0 set lead. Beetlejuice refused to retire and began the 3rd set. BJ had taken back medication and I guess as the effects of the meds worn on, he regained some mobility and he took the 3rd set 7-5 and just dominated the 4th 6-1.

The fighting spirit of this demon was tremendous

We were even for the 5th. Monfils braved on and I will have to say that he earned my respect. Usually his on court antics always bugged the shite out of me. However, yesterday he was just absolutely on point, playing well within himself and conserving energy. He played valiantly and I dare say this, Beetlejuice earned my respect. He lost the match though 4-6 in the 5th, double faulting on match point. Kushi was hitting like a girl and I am sure he will lose in the next round but he will make more money there than in the 3rd round.

Kushi through to his first 4th round appearance at a major

So that’s a wrap up of the 6th day. Hope you enjoyed!!

Today’s Hotties are HOTT…BRULE, MUY CALIENTE!!

WUUURRRQQQ!!! (I have some issues with the lower half of the dress..actually with the whole thing really. Sorta looks like a dish towel. However, you are wurqing it. This was a homemade number wasn't it??)

Fiery Ferrer (words have failed me right now!)

For those who like men who like dogs, here is something for you. Not my thing...though I am all for licking

This is just too hot. This has to be considered soft core porn. I wonder what lies between. Hmmm

Hey you!! Not you daddy but your son next to you.

Why thank you for the resfreshment.... I sure could use this. So hot around here.

Clearly we are in the notties section right now

I don't know who performed this bit of "My Fair Lady" magic and turned Kuzi- Rex (seen directly above) into a lady but I do think they deserve a Nobel Prize.

Chin Chela is possessed by the demons of non-beauty

It isn't just in Paris that its all gay

Sweetie you know that's your gurlfriend and not your boyfriend right?? Just checking

Mahut. This isn't sexy....it's sleezy and damn near creepy too. Get away!!

What do you mean we cannot do that here? Checking her whowho on court is a perfectly legitimate reason for an injury time out? Stop the hating Rosie!!

Monsters always turn out to be freaks. Commendable effort but there are somethings that should never be done alone!

Australian Open 2012 Day 4

So Day 4’s action

The top ladies looked to be in fine form thus far in these championships and Shriekapova came out with a vengeance against her American opponent. She dismantled her 6-0 6-1. The Serenanator was really no different as she raced out to a 6-0 first set victory in 22 minutes. She looked a bit spotty in the 2^nd set but still managed to close it out 6-4 to move into the 3^rd round. The Serenanator last lost here at the Open was in 2008 though she did not play last year. Therefore, she has sort of a winning streak at these championships. She is a 5 time winner though the Aussie crowd will scream on anyone on the other side of her.

BAM. The Serenanator is showing off the machine...wires and all

Don't hate!! Just appreciate!! She got it going on. Hopefully the mind is going on too for her to win her 6th title here

Marion Bartoli aka Fatoli aka La Petite Grosse of France (the lone superstar of the French ladies…incidentally she does look like Mary Catherine of SNL fame) is also looking in fine form as she dispatched of Aussie hopeful Jelena Dokic 6-3 6-2. Fatoli is a dangerous floater. She has made it far in majors and will most certainly look to disrupt all bookmarkers predisposed favourites. I have to also say that she is looking a bit trimmer this year though very very slight. I guess she ate less tarts over the Christmas holiday. I am also happy to report in particular to my Serbian fanz that Ivanovic the Terrible has done the seemingly rare feat of winning 2 matches in a row in singles at a major. She has had a terrible start of the year but just might be getting something going here. She has made it to the finals in 2008 where she lost to Shriekapova who in all fairness was playing the best tennis ever in her career and also deserved the title after that emphatic beatdown the previous year in the finals by the Serenanator.

Rare achievement for the Serb to be near the end of the 1st week at a major. Ivanovic the Terrible

Well you know how I have Kvitova aka GHW to possibly win this title, well Lady Hobbit aka Carla Suarez Navarro of Spain, almost threw a monkey wrench into this plan. Now Lady Hobbit is no stranger to upsets as many will remember that in 2009 if I am not mistaken, Ebony Starr was looking red hot at these championships until she met up on this beastly gal in the 2^nd round. Lady Hobbit has a wicked one handed backhand and you get on the wrong side of that thing, she will burn you. However, for the life of me what I cannot understand is why she looks like that on court. Her deportment skills are atrocious at best.How is it that all the Spanish men come on court looking like they just rolled off the pages of GQ and Men’s Vogue magazines and the senoritas look like they were “Holidaying with the Hags” This is not right at all. Someone fix this pronto.

Look at this Spanish mess. It is like the only make up she knows is tests. She needs to hang with the girls, L'oreal, Revlon, Maybelline and Clairol. And someone please burn that outfit she is wearing.

And look at this now! These hombres got these senoritas beat in the style department

Anyway, GHW is no beauty queen on the court either so I guess the hideousness edge Lady Hobbit usually has over top opponents was neutralized. I will admit that GHW does clean up very very well off court. I have spoken at length about this Spanish Niña in particular her attire. Well anyway, GHW seemed on top of things with a 6-2 first set win. However, hobbits know a thing or two about magic and perhaps Gandalf came back or the elves sent some gifts but Suarez was not going to be disapperated off the court. She got the 2^nd set 6-2 and the battle began in the 3^rd. It was only good serving from the Czech that was able to push her past Navarro in the end. Ebony Starr I hope you saw that match because what Kvitova did was what YOU were supposed to do when you faced her. So GHW is through to the 3^rd round with a 6-2 2-6 6-4 victory.

GHW had to come with some new spells to vanquish the Hobbit

In other matches, 29^th seed Nadia Fatrova of Russia lost in straight sets to Errani as did the 25^th seed Kaia Kanepi who was playing so well coming into these championships even winning Auckland if I am not mistaken. Vania King aka Saw Clown but I think I am going to change her name to Sailor Moon for obvious reasons took out the 15^th seed Pavlyuchenkova in 3 sets which was not really that difficult to do because Pavlyuchenkova looks “heavy.” I swear I do not know what sort of sport tennis could be when there are so many tennichubbies running… I mean trying to run around on court. I know this is a ticklish issue but seriously now, fitness is key in tennis especially in the Australian heat.

What the hell is going on here?? Since when Lamaze has become a sport??

It is not the camera angle.

Anyway, Sabine Lisicki is through also taking out Shahar Peer of Israel quite easily 6-1 6-2 as is her fellow German Angelique Kerber. Kirilenko the 27^th seed is through as is her countrywoman/man Kuzi-Rex who had hard fought 2 set victory over American Sloane Stephens. Jie Zheng is also through to the 3^rd round is Greta Arn of Germany who took out seeded player Diminika Cibuttkova and Sorana Cirstea who took out Agie Radwanska’s sister Ursala. (I think I spelt her name wrong the last time around. CRIstea but it is CIRstea. Thus the correct pronunciation is Kur-te-a if I am not mistaken this time around). Anyway that’s about it for the ladies.

A light day at the office today

Regarding the menz, well D’Juggernaut is breezing through his matches with lil effort. He took out his opponent 6-3 6-2 6-1; seemingly becoming more and more efficient as the match went on. Baby Ali also looked in fine form though he had a tough match from Brazilian Ricardo Mello. He won in straight sets as did Lochness Monster and Dingo Dog Hewitt. Hewitt benefited from Roddick’s retirement from the match. Apparently during the match, Roddick cracked his crotch; ie, he pulled his groin muscle. He attempted to play on but after 3 sets being down 1-2 sets, he decided to let it go. So Hewitt is in the 3^rd round though I am sure he will not be progressing further than the 4^th round. The more interesting matches proved to be on the other courts where the men were battling each other for a chance at a 3^rd round of this major.

Yeah I think I might not be able to have any children

9^th seed Janko Tipsarevic was up against James Duckworth of Australia and was getting as good as he was giving as he finally came through in 4 sets 6-4 if I am not mistaken in the final set. Duckworth’s countryman, Matthew Ebden lost a 5 set match against Kei Nishikori (24^th seed) of Japan. Tipsarevic’s fellow Serb Viktor Troicki on the other hand was sent packing when Mikhail Kukushkin took him out in 5 sets. It was a really good match between the two. Dennis the Menace aka Milos Raonic  (23^rd seed) fought hard against Phillip Petzschner and took it in 4 sets. Petzschner will feel this match as he played brilliantly but could not stop the barrage of huge hitting serves from the Canadian.

Raonic aka Dennis the Menace is through to the 3rd round

Monfils looked to be a good form as well very focused at these championships. Beetlejuice is showing no sign of his usual crazy antics on court and composed himself against the hottie Thomaz Bellucci after losing the 1^st set. The French beast raised his level of play and easily dispatched the Brazilian who has massive potential but prove far too often to be inconsistent. Monfils will join his fellow Frenchies Gasquet, Nicholas Mahut, Michael Llodra aka King Louis of Jungle Book who took out American Alex Bogomolov Jr (32^nd seed) and Julian Benneteau who took out the 12^th seed fellow Frenchman Gilles Simon. Simon started out so well but faltered in the end.

Well that’s it for the men’s side.

Sabine Lisicki of Germany is pretty pretty though she got some thunder thighs which is not a bad thing at all

Thunder thighs!!

Take a rest boo. Carrying around that much good looks can be tiring.

Hi there. What's your name?

Ryan Sweeting is definitely sweet.

Mommie Dearest are you kidding me?

Oh Jesus dinosaurs are not extinct!!

Honey, unfortunately that kind of ugly does not come off with sweat

Nooooooooooooooooooooooo

I know. He upsets my stomach too

Vania King of the US formerly Saw Clown has now been renamed

Sailor Moon

Ahhh sir, this is not that type of establishment..

WOW though commendable, this is not the type of skill we expect to see on the court, though off court, we will be happy to let you bring that racquet to play with our balls

Is it you that I ask for the toilet paper??

Aussie Open 2012: Day 2

Kvitova aka (Grand High Witch GHW) was first up against Russian Dushevina who broke the number 2 seed and 2011 Wimbledon Champ in the opening service game. Dushevina quickly raced to a 2-0 lead. Things looked for a minute like they were going to be very interesting out here on the Rod Laver Arena. However, things did not look good for the Russian after that as she was bludgeoned on the court. GHW worked her magic and reeled off 12 straight games taking the match 6-2 6-0. Dushevina did not even know what hit her.  Now, this is why Kvitova is one of my picks to win this tournament.

I put a spell on you and you're mine my lil pretty

My only fear with GHW is that she can get into these mental lapses where she acts as though she barely knows how to play the game. Anyway, she is safely through to the 2^nd round where she will not be joined by Sam “D’Stove” Stosur (6^th seed). Now Stosur can perhaps be described as an enigma but we will talk about that in a minute. Stosur was the last match up on the Rod Laver Arena for the Day Session and you know, all of Australia was crazy excited for this match. The 2011 US Open champ was taking the court. Prior to this title, the last time Australians had had a major champion was back in 2002 when Dingo Dog Hewitt won Wimbledon.  Australians are extremely proud of their native daughter because much of Australia’s tennis team are in fact naturalized Australians; imported talents of sorts. Australia have a rich history in tennis but apparently they seem to have to outsource for the job. Sam Stosur on the other hand was born and breed Down Under and so they all jumping like kangaroos for her and the match.

We are here for our gurl Sam!!

And what does Sam do for the crowd, well she loses. She loses to Sorana Cirstea of Romania in the first round. Now Cirstea is not a bad player, bony like hell but not a bad player at all but Sam has not lost a single set to her in their prior 2-3 meetings. Sam broke the Romanian in her opening service game and looked to be on her way to romping through this match to the delight of the crowd. However, Cirstea kept forcing the issue and later broke back. She would not allow the Aussie to get a decent lead in the set or assert herself. Now if you have seen D’Stove play tennis, you would realize that she has one main weakness, she virtually has the inability to hit a backhand. It is such a glaring deficiency. However, she is able to get away with it on most days but Cirstea was making her pay dearly for this.

Sorana Cristea (Kris-te-ah not Chris-tea oka) from Romania

Sam has never done well in her native country (think of Mauresmo in France. Oh in 2003 French Open quarterfinals, the Serenanator made Amelie look like she was ranked 1000^th in the world. The French crowd was virtually silent through the match as they watched the Serenanator simply tear Mauresmo limb by limb. It was not cute. No wonder the French crowd booed the American against Cheating Justine in that infamous semi-final match.) Anyway, we digress. Sam coming in this year’s Aussie Open lost in the 2^nd round and 1^st round of her two warm up tournament. So with little to no confidence as well as the weight of a nation on her, Cirstea took the match 7-6 6-3.

The gas line is not connect to D'Stove.

Now what I want to say about D’Stove is that I think she is quite a lovely girl and she is the epitome of the motto, hard work brings success but the real truth of the matter is that Sam is no real singles player. She is a doubles specialist hence why her game is so halved (no backhand). She does not have the killer instinct of a top lady contender and perhaps the public should stop expecting great things from her. She won the US Open and by right she deserved it after that excellent 2010 clay court season only to lose the French Open to Schiabone. However, to be a contender at majors or week in and week out on the tour; that is not D’Stove Stosur. The girl is so lacking in confidence on court. There is no way, a Kim, a Serenanator , a Ebony Starr (on most days), a Shriekapova would have come out on court in such a lackluster manner. It was telling from the beginning that she was not going to impose herself on the match in any way. No wonder, Cirstea had a way easier time in the 2^nd set than in the first. Anyway, the hope of nation was simply dashed.

Hello??? Anyone home??

And as if Sam was not bad enough, another of their imported daughter Jarmila Gajdosova (Guydasova) formerly Jarmila Groth, was knocked out by Maria Kirilenko (27^th seed). Kirilenko will join countrywoman Maria Shriekapova who just simply ripped Gisela Dulko of Argentina a new one with a 6-0 6-1 victory. Dulko had knocked Shriekapova out of the French Open some years ago and Shriekapova seemed to have been exacting revenge.  I often wonder how does one deal with themselves the next day after such a dismal performance. All I know is that it must suck to be them. Suck big time and not in a good way at all.

Shriekapova

Anyway, it was not all tears for the Australians as Jelena Dokic knocked out Anna Chakvetadze which was basically a battle of super great talent but no great results. I think it is time Chakvetadze consider being a professional teacher than a professional player. I do not think her nerves can deal with being on the tour and these poor poor results.  And while we are talking about Russians, we should mention that Boynetsova aka Svetlana Kuznetsova (18^th seed Happy to see her ranking going up there), Maria Kirilenko (27th seed) Vera Zvonareva (7^th seed) came through to the 2^nd round, both in 3 sets as did Nadia Fatrova (29^th seed) and Anastasia Pavlyuchenkova (15^th seed).  Zvonareva is my super dark horse pick behind LiNaLi. Other winners include Ivanovic the Terrible (21^st seed) Sabine Lisicki (14^th seed), Marion Fatoli aka La Petite Grosse (9^th seed), Dominika Cibuttkova (17^th seed) Kaia Kanepi (25^th seed) Shahar Peer and Jie Zheng 2010 semifinalist here.  The US should be proud of themselves  as several young ladies made it through to the 2^nd round on the 2^nd day: Sloane Stephens, Jamie Hampton and Vania King aka Saw Clown. Seems I almost for this. Well the Queen Supreme of American tennis is of course, the Serenanator (12^th seed) and she did not disappoint as the final match of the day. She dealt with the Austrian Tamira Paszek 6-3 6-2, preserving her record of having never lost in the first round of a major (45-0).

The Serenanator seeks out to destroy

On the men’s side, D’Joker begins his defense of his Aussie Open title and did he look spectacular as he simply demolished his Italian opponent Paolo Lorenzi 6-2 6-0 6-0. It was a beat down. D’Juggernaut is not skylarking about this at all. He is out to defend his title and he appear to be under the impression that he will defend.

That was a warm up match!

His countrymen Janko Tipsarevic (9^th seed) and Viktor Troicki (17^th seed) also won. Troicki came from two match points down if I am not mistaken to win the match in 5 sets. Meanwhile Lochness Monster (4^th seed) was not looking so hot at all. Young Ryan Harrison was showing him up on court and trying him as he if were the lower ranked player. However, Nessie is not number 4 in the world for nothing and he simply showed the American who was the boss on the court. Harrison should take heart from this game and I myself was particularly impressed with what I saw throughout the match. Hopefully this potential pans out.

Ryan Harrison

And speaking of Americans, Andy “Mr. Brooklyn Decker” Roddick (15^th seed) easily dispatched of Robin Haase of the Netherland who almost beat Lochness Monster last year at the US Open as did Ryan Sweeting and Alex Bogomolov Jr. Mr. Bogomolov has recently been the center of controversy when he was cleared to play for Russia his native country. He is a naturalized citizen of the US. Do not worry Sasha, do not mind the haters because we here are Realz loves you for realz.

Sometimes @$$holes can't help drawing attention to themselves

Australia’s bad start got better as Lleyton Hewitt seemingly down and out in the 4^th set trailing 1-5 came back to win 6 straight games against Cedrik-Marcel Steber Germany. I swear, never have I seen a player choked this badly. Wait, Mr. Federer did against Mr. Divadal in the 1^st set at the French Open last year. (Don’t remind me please!) Dingo Dog showed that he is a fight but unfortunately he faces Mr. Brooklyn Decker in the next round and though this is a battle of two washed up has beens, I think the American can pull this one out though I hardly care about this result. No secret that I cannot stand the Aussie and his smug, rude nasty attitude. Two other Aussie men made it into the 2^nd rounds but I would not bother to tell you their names because I am certain they would not be doing anything special this year Aussie Open.

Fiery Ferrer is about to lick that ball........Olé senor

Anyhow, other winners include David Ferrer aka Fiery Ferrer (5^th seed), Gael Monfils aka Beetlejuice (14^th seed) who…surprise..surprise won in straight sets instead of some long protracted 5 set epic battle in the 1^st round. He will join his countrymen Baby Ali Tsonga (6^th seed), Gilles Simon (12^th seed), Richard G@$$quet (17^th seed), Michael Llodra, Julian Bennateau and Nicholas Mahut. I swear France has become the new hot spot for men’s tennis. So many good athletes. The US needs to study their junior programs and have them duplicated over here. Other players who made it to the 2^nd round were Juan Ignacio Chin-Chela (27^th seed) Milos Raonic (23^rd seed) and Kei Nishikori (24^th seed) one of the few men to beat D’Juggernaut last year.

Definitely a cutie pie...all you girls can swoon and proclaim "I wanna have a baby!'

Definitely a hottie is Cristea!

Adidas (All Day I Dream About Sex) Definitely in the hottie sex. Apparently he is Danny Valverdu, on Lochness Monster's coaching staff. I would definitely like to hit some balls with him.

Don't know who he is but definitely would love to especially in the biblical sense.

Hmmm and who is this and what's under that shirt? Hey you with the mike, how about you get some pit pads or switch to anti-perspirant?

Ooo that's what was under there. I think I have a touch of the vapours. Can someone get me the smelling salts??

It always hurt a lil when it first goes in....just breathe!!

A lil tongue action never hurts a soul

Don't let anyone tell you otherwise, oral comes standard with every model though one has to have a clean tongue

Azarenka, I could sorta see where they were trying to go with this one, but sweetie, this is just straight up, softcore porn.

Who knew dinosaur wore clothes? Yeah we are in the nottie section now

And speaking of dinosaurs, here we have a caveman

Maybe because it is the wee hours in the morning but Beetlejuice sorta looks cute here.

Oh okay, the world is right again. Definitely a nottie

Hmmmm what's going on here ladies? Rather cozy no??

Hmmmm lady, something tells me you are thinking "Water water everywhere and not a drop to drink."

I see gaynesia is about to claim some new victims. And I am just saying, if you are going to draw attention to yourself shirtless, can't you at least make sure you do some crunches and not eat Crunches. I mean "C" too much Calories in your diet. Come on now indeed. O, Oh really with that scrawny chest. M, I think you have been skipping too Many Meals and E, can we get some Exercise from you.

Well that’s Day 2’s coverage for you.

Wimbledon 2011: Catching up on Saturday Day 6

Danish Biscuit took out the newly divorced Jarmila Gajdosova in straight sets 6-3 6-2. She is looking to be on form for her first major. However, I still think she is not ready yet for a major. She does not have that special something to make a difference over a two week tournament and there are other women on the tour with more experience and talent to contend with than she can handle. Nevertheless, she is still in the tournament so that means she has a shot at winning it. The Serenanator too, dispatched her opponent as Maria Kirilenko never had a chance during the entire match. I think she only had one break point opportunity which she could not even convert 6-3 6-2. The Serenanator is really playing herself into the championships. Maria Shriekapova also had an easy time against Czech Zakopolova 6-2 6-3.

The Serenanator is back

There were two ladies matches on the day that had some interesting antics on the court. Dominika Cibulkova was playing Julia Goerges of Germany. The ex-girlfriend of Beetlejuice (she claimed she was dycnotized) won the match in three sets. However, Goerges rounded out the umpire for mispronouncing her name calling her “Gorgeous” instead of “Gor-geez” She was trying to get all up in his grill but unfortunately it was she who was bbq as she lost 3-6 in the third. The other bit of court drama came from Gloria the Hippo who was playing Flavia Penne Pasta Pennetta. When Penne Pasta took the first set 7-5, Fatoli got really really upset and shouted for her father/coach who always sits in the players’ box by himself, to get out. That’s right, she tell the man to get out of the stadium and you know what he did? I would not have believed it if I did not see it for myself, he packed up his shite and left. WOW, had that been my parents, I would have been forwarding you this newzletter via facsimile from heaven LOL. Who am I kidding, you know I would be in hell where there’s internet. LOL. Anywho, it seemed to have worked because La petite grosse pulled off the win and is through to the round of 16.

Papa, you need to get up on outta here! Pack your shite and move the fcuk on NOW! (She what I mean. She always looks untidy)

Day 6 was not a good day for the Italians as Schiabone’s luck ran out. She has as of late been playing herself into a corner so to speak and thinking she got the stamina to play herself out of it. However, she came up the Austrian Tamira Paszek who was not having any of that and willing to play toe to toe with the bambino. Schiabone who served for the match was caught up in another marathon and her race was ran as she could not hold on. She lost the match 3-6 6-4 11-9. Perhaps next time around, she would look to deliver the death blow a lot earlier and stop toying with players as she’ll only end up getting played.

Francesco Schiabone, not the cutest ladyboy around. I swear her rib is sticking out more than her "pecs"

In other wins, Sabine Lisicki of Germany followed up her upset win with another win and moved into the Round of 16 as did Shuai Peng of China who now carries the flag for the Chinese. She took out Melinda Czink who had taken out Sam D’Stove Stosur in the first round. Ana Ivanovic lost early again against a relative no name in Petra Cetkovska. Since winning the French in 2008 and making it to the Aussie Open final earlier in the year, Ana has plained all 13 majors since and never progressed passed the 4^th round and if I am not mistaken, she only got to the 4^th round like three of those 10 majors. She is looking a lil skinny if you ask me and no doubt dealing with some mental issues with her seemingly inexplicable bad form. I think it is time we dubbed her Ivanovic the Terrible. Anyway, while on the subject of terrible play, it has just made it to my ears that Dinara Safina has taken an indefinite leave of absence from the tour. I am sorry to hear that. She is a really good player. No doubt injury and self doubt as well as rubbish talk from commenthaters all led to this decision. I wish her the best.

Ivana the Terrible

She is definitely looking a bit malnourished

She use to be a lot fuller like here

Regarding the menz, well Diviadal…I mean Mr. Divadal had to finish up his match against Gilles Muller and again it seemed as though he could not get pass the Luxembourger’s serve and they were locked in another tiebreak. Mr. Divadal pulled it out and quickly solved that problem as he did not drop another game and quickly raced to the 4^th round 7-6 7-6 7-0. Mr. Divadal is really looking to start a streak here at Wimbledon, he is 17-0 here at Wimbledon, having last lost in the 2007 finals against Mr. Federer, bearing in mind that he did not play in 2009 as he was to embarrassed when he lost the French Open to Robin Hood Soderling. Do not believe that bullshit about him having knee issues. Whenever, Mr. Divadal is losing he calls injury. Of course he used that tactic against Muller calling the trainer on court. He did the same thing against Mr. Federer in the French Open final. Called out the trainer when Mr. Federer was up 5-2. I do not like that sort of play from Mr. Divadal, he is too old and experienced to be pulling those cheap stunts. It speaks rather ill of him.

I know you really telling me to kiss your @$$ but I have to say, your waist is not at your navel or near your throat okay. Pull that girdle down gurl.

Mr. Divadal was not the only player to have to finish up his match as Beast Boy finished off the Frenchman Gilles Simon and Lurch dusted off the American Alex Bogomolov Jr. Beetlejuice who was locked in a tight battle with the Pole Kubot lost in 4 sets. 3-6 6-3 6-3 6-3. Yet another underwhelming performance at a tournament for the French beast. I think Monfils should take up another sport because he is not really making much headways in tennis. And for heaven’s sake, get those bloody teeth fixed.

Beetlejuice went away...ahhhhh

Mr. Federer played a very tactical match against an old nemesis, David Nalbandian of Argentina. Nalbandian at one point owned Mr. Federer but has struggled as of late to get past the Swiss Master. Mr. Federer is looking impeccable so far and his serve is really holding up. He dealt with the Argentine in straight sets. D’Joker Harlequeen was having a tough time with Marcos Fatdatis and almost ended up in a 5 setter but he dealt with the chubby cubster in 4 sets. Fadatis is a really good player and he has made it to the semifinals of Wimbledon in the past but that was the past when he could see past his waistline. Nevertheless, though the pundits want to make this Wimbledon a Mr. Divadal/Mr. Federer affair, I would not sleep on Harlequeen. He is being very stingy went it comes to losing points and he is determined to win matches at any cost. I give him a chance to win the title but you know I will never back him over Mr. Federer.

D'Joker Harlequeen is willing to work you over on court for the win

And does he ever work it out on court. Look at the accessories

Meanwhile his so called girlfriend up in the stands looking like some air hostess. Sweety, you just a beard and you trying way too hard. Why don't you go do something useless like get us some peanuts and a stiff drink because that scarf is simply giving me a headache.

Anyway Hood got the Aussie beatdown that Dingo Dog Hewitt was unable to do in the previous round. Apparently hampered by the long arduous match against Hewitt, Hood Soderling came out very very flat against Australia’s Bernard Tomic. Tomic, a qualifier had to play three rounds of qualifying before he got into the main draw so he has played a lot of tennis. He dispatched the Swede as though he were the one ranked 5 in the world and not 158. Hood in his defense was not 100% and had the trainer out to assist but in the end he could not get it up to get over the Aussie.

Well pardon me Sir... hmmm

OOOKAY...Who gives a shit if you lose but look at those abs...Not gonna hate! I am jealous.

In other wins, Fiery Ferrer is still bringing as he took out Karl Beck in straight sets. Jurgen Melzer, the 11^th seed is out when he lost to Xavier Malisse aka XXX-Man.

Jurgen Melzer is always having a meltdown on court.

Mardy Fish former whale is the lone American man as he made to the Round of 16 when Robin Hasse retired. Michael Llodra of France took out Yen-Hsun Lu in straight sets and Mikhail Youzhny defeated Spain’s Nicolas Almagro. So you are all caught up in the affairs and set for this MAGNIFICENT/MONSTER MONDAY at Wimbledon when all the remaining players are on court for the Round of 16.

Mardy Fish former Whale is definitely not floundering on the grass this year

Mama Williams...well it's Mama Price... We stealing from movie sets now? You need to give back the Wiz their wig and Harry Potter needs his glasses. He can't see without them....get it together m'am.

I mean come on now. You really insisting on coming outside looking like this here? It's not okay. Definitely not okay.

Beast Boy....he needs to be sheered

That's right you can do it... don't forget to point your toes

Up up up

It's a flying Beetlejuice

Oh Maria! I know we are always hating on you

That's right you have to give it some air. Don't want a thunder cyat on our hands do we.

But we are not going to hate... your man is goodlooking

Gurl...maybe it is time you start doing it from a different position. Cause dropping to your knees all the time is no good for your health anymore

Wet Wimbledon 2011: Days 3 and 4

Rain again disrupted play and all eyes was focused on Center Court as 5-time champion Venus Williams take on Kimiko Date-Krumm. They are two of the veterans on tour with the American just turned 31last Friday and Date-Krumm looking towards her 41^st birthday.

The Senior ladies Tour??

The match was the only one being played as Center Court is the only court with a retractable roof. Now you have to understand that when there is a retractable roof, the game changes as you are no longer outdoor with the conditions of the weather to aid and/or annoy you but playing indoor in a stilled air, cavernous chamber. Venus came out very lackluster and soon found herself down 1-5. Date-Krumm was on fire. It seemed that she was ready for the upset.

Being stretched to the limit

Venus has never lost to anyone on Center Court but the Serenanator and it looked like Date-Krumm was going to change that. However, they don’t call her Ebony Starr for nothing as she reeled off 5 straight games to go up 6-5. She had set point on Date-Krumm’s serve but the Japanese was not having that and took it to a tie-break. Again it was the same story, DK was out 6-2 when the American came back and leveled it 6-6 but she will go on to lose the next two points and the first set. The crowd was buzzing as it seemed that the Grass Court Queen was going to go out to a granny.

Itch this is my house!!! You have Alzheimer's? Do you know who I am?

Venus kept her composure and soon the 2^nd set and an early break in the 3^rd set were in her hand. But we are talking about Venus here and no one loves to play tight rope tennis like the American, so you know she gave back the break. The match stayed on serve and soon it was 7-6 to the American. Being the true champion that she is, Venus decided enough was enough and broke DK for the victory 6-7 6-3 8-6. This was easily the best match of the tournament so far. I have to say that the quality of the match was really good and very entertaining all around.

Ebony Starr in she granny pants suit

So finally the rain let up and play began on the outer courts. Petra Kvitova aka “Grand High Witch” beat ever British hopeful Anne Keothavong in straight sets. Keothavong’s brother is also an ATP/WTA chair umpire. If you ever see an Asian looking guy with a British accent, that’s Anne’s big brother. Anyway, Zvonareva beat her sometimes doubles partner, Elena Vesnina in straight sets. However, she is not looking sharp at all for someone who has made it to last year’s final. Other winners include Andrea Petkovic, Agnes Radwanska, Sabine Lisicki, Julia Georges, Dominika Cibulkova (former gf of Beetlejuice…EHhhhhh I know), Victoria Azarenka, Daniela Huntochova and Tsetvana Pironkova who took out Venus last year in the quarters and could face her again in the Round of 16 if she can beat Zvaonareva and Venus gets past her Spanish opponent. American Bethanie Mattek-Sands, (seeded 32 or 30…I more so think she is seeded 30) who created all that nonsense publicity with “Gaga Tennis outfit” lost in the first round. Are we surprised? I don’t think so.

Mattek-Sands in her tennis outfit. If there is any justice on court, they would allow me to go on court and just beat she with this jacket until I am weary. Can you believe this shite?

Day 4 for the ladies was catch-up time as some players had to play two days straight. The talk of the town was whether the Serenanator was ready for Wimbledon as she has been off for nearly a year. She had an emotional win in the first round against French woman Avarane Rezai and now face another upstart Romanian Simona Halep. Halep came out on first and she was pushing the Serenanator around on court like a rag doll. However, the Serenanator who came out with a ponytail put her hair in a bun because she was ready for a fight. She lost the first set 3-6 and said, “Ok! You showed me what you can do. Now let me show you what I can do!” Halep won only three more games, losing the match 3-6 6-2 6-1. Now so face watching the championships in regards to the arrival of Venus and Serena back on tour, I have to say that I noticed a calmer demeanor from them both. They are not making a big fuss when things go wrong and also they are correcting their errors. However, they are very tentative at times and are not playing the aggressive style we are use to but it is still early and a lot more tennis to come.

The Serenanator showing backbone?!!

A “major” upset took place yesterday as NaLiNa 3^rd seed lost to Sabine Lisicki of Germany (Ms. Lisicki is a 1^st generation Polish). After recent success on the red stuff, NaLiNa (I have to say that I am getting tired with the name bit. I really want to call her Chun Li but that might be offensive…Don’t you think? I think I am going to call her Chun Li until someone says otherwise.) Anyway Chun Li had recent success on the red stuff and now had to make the adjustment on grass. Chun Li is a competent player and looking at the match yesterday, she had that match in the bag. Though she lost the first set, she was all over that ball in the 2^nd set, which she won and in the 3^rd, at least in the earlier part of the set. She had two match points and served for the match but seemed to have lost her way. Earlier this month, Lisicki was so overcome with nerves when she had Vera Zvonareva on the ropes at the French Open, that she had to be removed by stretcher off the court. She was a howling hot mess! It was Chun Li who was all jubilant at the French but here at Wimbledon, things reverse. It was Chun Li who the hot mess as she became upset over a bad call in the last few games on the match, had to replay a point she had won before the call, and now, is probably on some stretcher in a psyche ward wondering how she lost a match that was in her hand.

Lisicki with tears of joy at this major

Two other seeded players lost as well Radwanska (13) and Lucie Safarova (31).  Other winners include Melinda Czink who took out Sam “D’Stove” Stosur is still alive and so is Ana Ivanovic who is usually out of majors at this time. She is through to the 3^rd round as is Schiabone, Fatrova, Wickmayer, Kuzi-Rex, Maria Kirilenko who will face the Serenanator.

Anyway, we are running out of time so I will get to the menz..

Day 3’s limited action saw Mr. Divadal, Mr. Brooklyn Decker, D’Joker Harlequeen, Tomas Berdych aka Lurch and Lochness Monster handling their business. They all won in straight sets and look rather comfortable though I have to put an asterisk next to Lochness Monster. Something tells me he is going to be bounced before the quarters. There is something off about him this year. I have to give the American men a shout out because they have been showing some good stuff as of late. Mardy Fish former Whale also won in straight set as did Alex Bogomolov Jr (a semi veteran and journeyman…usually playing challengers..think minor league of tennis) Bogo took out the 25^th seed Juan Ignacio Chin-Chela.

Ginger Snap! Here is a picture of Bogo. Unlikely you might see him again in these parts of a major

Milos Raonic, a favourite here in these parts, crashed and burned as he injured himself in the first set of his match and had to retire. Fernando “Tabasco Verdasco” Verdasco (21), resident hottie here, was looking more like ketchup as he lost in 4 sets. I do not know what the hell is up with him but this year has been rather dismal. His level of play is so poor it is almost as if he wants to lose each match.

Tabasco Verdasco is turning into more of a sour condiment these days. Nonetheless, he still a hottie and superficiality never ever goes amiss here at RTF.

Meanwhile his countryman Feliciano Lopez and Frenchmen Richard Gasquet and Beetlejuice won their matches to move through to the 3^rd round. Another upset was Stanislav Wawrinka who will not heed my advice and get his fat @$$ to a gym. He lost to lucky loser (you lost in final round of qualifying but got placed in the main draw because a main draw entrant pulled out) Simone Bolleli. Bolleli it seems is making a business of this LL bit as he was a LL at the French and made headways in the draw. Now he is in the 3^rd round of Wimbledon when he did not even qualify to be here. It’s like a gate crasher upstaging the birthday boy!” Funny business indeed. Unfortunate newz for a special fanz who likes to keep up with the Israeli tennis happenings, Shahar Peer who lost early here will have company as Dudi Sela lost in straight sets to Frenchman Gilles Simon 7-6 6-4 7-5.

Ehummm. Another day!

On Day 4, which again saw limited action. However, there was an epic match on Center Court as Robin Hood took on Dingo Dog Llyton Hewitt. Hewitt, champion here in 2002 and the last non-Federer/non-Nadal winner of these championships was up 2 sets and a break. It seemed for all the world that the Swede was about to be bounced out of the hood. However, real hood don’t go out like a punk and Hood held his own and took the 3^rd set 7-5.

Things were about to fade to black for this gangsta

The rest of the match was very high quality not that it wasn’t before and the Aussie was done in again by his lack of serving ability. He lost the 4^th and 5^th sets 4-6 4-6. I know a lot has been spoken about Hewitt recent fall from grace and much is said about his “slowness” on court now that he is older. However, I think the real problem for Hewitt is his serve. He never had a good serve and his first service percentage is abysmal. Against the big hitters who dominate the top 10 and as well as throughout the entire field, they simply snack away on his 2^nd serve as though rice cakes. Anyway, I give him 2 more years on tour if not one because I think Becky Cathwraight or whatever his wife’s name is, she is going to be putting a stamp on all the traveling and demand that he stay home. Look for Hewitt in 2-3 years to be fat, balding with a ton of kids at his ankles and his wife up and went off with some other guy. She is biding her time.

Adios mate...

Anyway, D’Joker Harlequeen and Mr. Federer were absolutely stellar in their matches though Mr. Federer had to play well into the English night as the Soderling/Hewitt match and Chun Li/Lisicki match all went the distance. Why Wimbledon start play at 1 p.m. is beyond me?

Flying through his matches

It's more like a warm up session than an actual match you know

Beast Boy aka Juan Martin Del Potro who lost the first set on Day 3 but match was suspended till Day 4 came out like a beast against the diminutive Oliver Rochus. Rochus took the first set on Day 7-6 but on Day 4, Beast Boy gnawed him up like a piece of beef bone only surrendering 5 games 6-7 6-1 6-0 6-4.

Seriously?? Seriously?? He doesn't even get to his shoulder. I guess in the rematch David got his @$$ handed to him by Goliath.

Meanwhile Fiery Ferrer is locked in a battle with American Ryan Harrison. The Spaniard has to win in 5 set as he is down 1-2 sets. However, he has a break in the 4^th. Can the American upset the 7^th seed. Marcos Fatdatis former semifinalist is through to the 3^rd round as is another former semifinalist here XXX-Man aka Xavier Malisse. Fernando Gonzalez of Chile is back on tour after being out for a significant portion of last year into this year. He is also through to the 3^rd round as is David Nalbandian a former finalist (he lost to Hewitt in 2002). Nalbandian will face Mr. Federer in the 3^rd round. Unfortunately John Isner aka BFG lost to Nicolas Almagro. I was really hoping that BFG made something of these championships but alas, I hope in vain.

A refreshing moment...ahhhhhhh

(Can't talk right now!)

A lot of matches were suspended because of delays caused by the rain. Nevertheless, you are all caught up now. Day 5 will see Mr. Divadal, Lochness Monster, Venus (I don’t have the heart to call her Russ Troll as she got the hair together and I don’t want to call her Crackhead anymore. So it is Venus for now. Wait I am going to call her Ebony Starr…those are her middle names)

BIG PICTURE SHOW

I always knew he could dip it low. Ah..I would like to point that I think Harlequeen is sorta missing the point here.

Sometimes you just can't find the right hole.

Oh that's why they call it a Vee

Ebony Starr gurl... I think you are being extra with this now.

You do the hokey pokey and shake it all about

Is she homeless or something? Why is she wearing so much clothing? Or is the extra coat for Mr. Federer?

Seems like Brooklyn reads our lil publication because she has cleaned up very nicely indeed

What is he doing on court with Baby Ali? Do I have to go cut a motherfcuker now?

Security fail!

Frustration fail

Skanks fail!

Speaking of skanks..Camilla Parker Boyles now The Duchess of Cornwall and Patron Living Saint and Inspiration for all the "Mistress/Other Woman" there are in the world

And this is just fail... I mean WTF is he doing? Why am I seeing his pubes?

See you tomorrow. Hopefully there is no rain!

 

 

 

 

Prévu pour le French Open 2011(Roland Garros)

Hey my loyal fanz, despite my bold promise to keep you updated about the going on in the world of tennis at the end of last Australian Open, I have failed to do just that. Life got in the way as well as I got rid of cable so I do not have a regular televised feed for my tennis fix. Of course I am resourceful and found ways around this. However, I neglected you and I humbly beg for your forgiveness. Although, I have to say that I did not hear any pangs of agony and pain associated with missing a loved publication expect from a sole fan (BW You get a huge shout out here!) Alas I guess my fanz had more important things to do than shout for monthly updates though as I sit here and write this, I am at a lost to think of what could be far more important that this prestigious publication. Anyway, I forgive you and I accept your apologies. May your faith and love for RTFN never waver again! I, on the other hand will make another promise to be more diligent about the newzletter and the blog. Over the summer months, I will be posting all back dated issues to the blog so you can read and see the growth of this illustrious newzletter/blog.

And while we are on the subject of the blog, I have decided to institute a change of sort. I will not be sending out printable MS Word documents to non-Azkaban email addresses (magical prison reference from the Harry Potter series. If you know the real truth behind the reference, it would make more sense). I am well aware that Azkaban prisoners do not have access to the real world aka no internet access and they welcome any newz about tennis. However, Azkaban prisoners must know that they are to log onto the blog when they are released or suffer the Dementors’ kiss. Anyway, for the Non-Azkaban fanz, you will receive an email with a link to the current post. You will then click on that link, subscribe to the blog, read the posting and comment at the end. I encourage you to be as hateriffic as you can be. I welcome hateration as you know I am a judicious hater. So enough about all this…it is too early in the tournament for me to rant and rave but give me time, you know it does not take much to get this hater rolling.

Bring on the Red Stuff...I am ready to get dirty

So to the tennis: I am so super excited about the start of this French Open because it promises to be really really good particularly on the men’s side. BTW I cannot believe that the last time you heard from me was at the end of the Australian Open in January. It is now May almost June…time goes by so quickly. Anyway the reason why I said I am so stoked about the menz is that the ladies despite Beyonce’s new single, The ladies “ain’t running this mother@#$%er.” Things are so bad on the tour that Maria Shriekapova won a Tier I title on clay a couple of weeks ago. Yes people, things have really gone to the dogs. The real truth of the matter is that the WTA (Women’s Tennis Association) for the past 12 or so years is only in business when that W equates to the Williamses (aka Venus and Serena aka Russ Troll and the Serenanator respectively) physically playing on tour. The minute either one of those sisters is out, that W quickly becomes Wishywashy.

They are the women's tour

Try as they might, there exist not one star in that much that can hold a candle to the Williamses. None of them have any real sense for the limelight but who knows; perhaps for the grapefruitlight they can do something. To make matters worse, is that none of them are particularly great at tennis to even create some genuine buzz; they are all as dull as dishwater including Shriekapova and Mommie Dearest who incidentally tried to copy the Serenanator by getting her leg/ankle/foot…okay, some part in that region injured. Anyway no one gave a rat’s toe much more a rat’s @$$ about the matter. Time magazine even made Mommie Dearest Top 100 influential persons in the world. Seriously?? Seriously Time?? I mean I do not know what is your criterion but I am absolutely certain that getting the other neighborhood moms in Jersey to switch to Apple & Eve juices instead of Juicy Juice for the lil rugrats should not qualify as influential on the global scale. I am just saying. Meanwhile, Venus and Serena’s off court activities have been documented ad nauseam. Serena had a blood clot, getting a record label, wearing a dress, wearing no dress, Venus is going to Fed Cup…oh wait she not playing…etcetera etcetera. They are all over the news even though they have not played in months, almost a year for the Serenanator, that one might have thought they were instrumental in the capture of Bin Laden (I couldn’t resist) or they had the solution to the American economic crisis (still could not resist).

I don't know this picture is sorta creepy like peeping Tom creepy

Maybe we should go back to being naked

Wooorrrrrrrk!!! It's like a sea urchin on a barrier reef! Only you Sernanator

Anyway, so to the ladies draw: For the most part in the more recent months, it has been Wozniacki aka the Danish Biscuit and Victoria Azarenka that have been dominating the air waves for women’s tennis. Oddly enough, I do not have a moniker for Azarenka as yet but I am sure that will change soon enough. Anyway these two have virtually won all the important titles between them. Vicky Barcelona, (let’s try this one out for size..nah not working for me either) has really shown some really good tennis in the past several months. Meanwhile Danish Biscuit is playing in nearly every single WTA tournament on schedule having already played 12 tournaments and it has not even been 6 months to the year. Most players play that many tournaments in a year. The Biscuit will soon regret as her body will ultimately pay the price. When Mommie Dearest for a time briefly took over the Number 1 ranking spot, the Biscuit seemingly got scured and decided to take the quantity route instead of the quality route for ranking points. Tennis is a grueling sport. It requires total body conditioning; every limb, organ, muscle, joint and fiber to be in tip top shape. If you want to be the best, then all those things have to be as fine tuned as the Vienna and New York City Philharmonic combines (could not resist this one either) Last weekend Biscuit’s body crumble as she pulled out a tournament victory. Why she was not resting her body for this most physical of all majors, I do not know but I do know this is the main reason why she fizzles at majors and has yet to win one.

But anyway, as for my pick, well, I truly think anyone can win it for the ladies. I mean last year who saw Francesca Schiabone winning the entire thing. However, I hope that Samantha “D’Stove” Stosur can win the major she should have won last year. I am again regretting that Elena “The Demented” Dementieva chose to retire at the end of last year. Had she not, I would have been backing her all the way. I would have even flown to Paris to make sure she did not get all “Demented” on court. But alas, that is another dream swashed.

Ahh Elena if only your exceptional beauty matched your mental fortitude as well as your serve. You would have been among the greatest in the game!

So I say you check out Mommie Dearest (Kim Clijsters) who will be looking for her first French Open title having made two finals in the early part of her career. She can definitely play on clay but she is coming into the tournament not match fit because of injuries, which will definitely hurt her. Others to watch are Azarenka who I hope does well at this tournament, Li Na/Na Li who incidentally lost first round in five tournaments I think after getting to the final of this year’s Aussie Open. She downgraded her husband from premier coach to some other guy. People, when you find a good man or a good woman, do everything in your power to keep them and treat them right by acting right also. Don’t be acting up because someone else thinks you are cute, all of a sudden you feel you are now “Ms. Universe.” Stop acting up Li Na/Na Li. Anyway she has been playing better since the clay season started so she might just peak at this tournament but gurl, leave the side piece alone and go back to your man. “A good man is hard to find” as much as I know you are thinking “A hard man is good to find.” Just remember that although “a new broom sweeps well, the old one knows the corners” if you know what I mean. Vera Zvonareva might also do well at this major as she shown herself to be a major title contender the last three majors. You know what is interesting; there are two former French Open winners in the draw, Boynetsova aka Svetlana Kuznetsova and Former Ms. Fernando Verdasco, Ana Ivanovic and yet no one is talking about them repeating as champion. Hmmmm. Nonetheless, at the end of the day, do we really care what’s going on with these ladies? No, not really. I am eagerly waiting for some superstar to step up on the tour. Otherwise, ladies, you will be relegated to Home Shopping Network (HSN) after hours for coverage.

Yeah at times you all be hurting my stomach too

To the menz…well to be honest, the story of the ATP for the last 5 months has really been, not so much about the men as it is about “a man.” Now I have long lambasted Novak “D’Joker Harlequeen” Djokovic in this finest of fine publication (Check the archives). I have minced no words in describing him. However, D’Joke is one me. D”Joker has since winning the Australian Open in January, simply has not lost a single match. To be more accurate, I think he has not even faced a match point against any opponent. He comes into the French Open a staggering 37-0. At this point, D’Joker Harlequeen should be dubbed D’Juggernaut Queen B because home boi…well home gurl has been unstoppable. He has silenced every critic and laid to rest every single foe including Divadal, Mr. Federer and Lochness Monster. As a matter of fact, D’Juggernaut has faced Divadal 4 times this year in 4 finals at Master Series no less and has trashed him convincingly every single time. D’Juggernaut is brimming with confidence seeing that he beat Divadal twice on clay, something he had failed to do once in the past. If he is not the favorite on this championship, I do not know anything.

It's all smiles and celebration for the D'Juggernaut

Seems as if Anna has found a new muse...I am not trying to be a hater here but are those "hate handles" I see?

However, beating Divadal on clay is a herculean task on a regular day, beating Divadal at the French Open, well one has to be downright gangsta to do that, ask Robin “Hood” Soderling. Nevertheless, Divadal comes into this French Open for the first time in ages not as the overwhelming favourite, that is not to say he is not the favourite; he is just not the overwhelming favourite. He is also set to lose his number one ranking if D’Juggernaut gets to the finals. What is also against Divadal is that he played four clay court tournaments coming into the French and made all the finals. He lost two of those to D’Juggernaut having not won a single set…don’t even think he had a set point. So he is now in Paris overworked and very overwrought. We will see how the fortnight progresses. First up for Divadal is the American Giant, John Isner.

The Bridesmaids for D'Joker's Wedding. Divadal and Mr. Federer are trying to put on fake smiles

So you may have noticed that I have not mentioned Mr. Federer. Well the real truth, there is not much to mention. Mr. Federer is still competing but is he contending, I think not. Mr. Federer is solidly the #3 player in the world but the gap that has developed between he and the top 2 (Divadal and D’Juggernaut) is almost as wide as the Nile. Mr. Federer is finding it next to impossible to make it to a final much more winning a tournament. To be honest, Mr. Federer is a virtual dark horse to win this tournament.

Doesn't he resemble that figure on his tee. I swear some alien force has taken over Mr. Federer's body, mind and tennis game.

Can you believe that, Mr. Federer, a dark horse? Maybe the world did end on Saturday 21, 2011 and so few got capture in the rapture that we did not notice (could not resist this one either). Mr. Federer has lost to the likes of Richard Gasquet (a cokehead) and Jurgen Melzer (an old man). Mr. Federer, the Federer Express has not just broken down, it has been derailed. You are becoming worse than NYC transit on the weekend. SHM in disgust. You better get it together. I do not want to have to treat you like how I have treated the Crackhead in the past. I do not want to get nasty on the web but I will if I have to cause you are Fcuking Up. Oh I just want to make a special mention for David Ferrer as being the other dark dark dark horse in this tournament. Anyway, I think this about leaves us all caught up for the French Open.

Mr. Brooklyn Decker fuming on court..doesn't he resemble this

Just slightly though 🙂

I should mention that there are some notable absentees as this tournament: Andy “Mr. Brooklyn Decker” Roddick, though not far from being a title contender in Paris, it is always fun to see him losing on the red stuff. More significant misses on the clay are Juan Carlos Ferrero, Tommy Robredo and David Nalbandian who is out with a fever…a fever? He pulled out like 10 days before the start of the tournament. He got typhoid or scarlet fever or something? On the ladies side, the Williams Sisters of course are out, Alisa Kleybanova aka Gloria the Hippo/Klondyke Bar and Dinada Safina too. It is really unfortunate about Safina as she was really stringing some quality wins together before sent back to the injury list.  Anyway, this promises to be a really good French Open.

But before I go, I think I wanna hate on Mr. Brooklyn Decker a lil bit seeing as he is not going to be around for us to hate on. I found these old questionable snapshots online. Now I am rarely ever stomped for words but these next shots are hmmmm…let’s go to the photos..

I am still trying to understand how it is that I am able to see this photo online. I mean shouldn't this and the negatives been burnt.

Is his racquet busted?? I think he broke more than a string here

Nah....this had to have been photoshopped...Can't be!

Aussie Open 2011: Day 2

Hey fanz…This is going to be just a very short update so that you are kept current with the happenings at the Aussie Open Day 2. As we speak…well as I write, Hewitt is locked in a fight with David Nalbandian…I think they are going to go into a 5^th set.

Hewitt vs Nalbandian

Now the much anticipated matchup between Mommie Dearest and Dinada Safina was a total let down. Last year Safina was the number 2 seed and now today she is lurking in the 70’s. Mommie Dearest showed absolutely no mercy in her 44 minute beat down as she served up to double bagels 6-0 6-0. Now I usually don’t say this but I think Kimmie was WRONG…WRONG WRONG to do that to Safina. Safina had no break points and won 16 points to Kimmie’s 51. It was cute last year to do that to Safina when she was having some issues but now, at a major, not even a game Kim…not even one. It wouldn’t have done you a thing to throw the gurl a bone. Instead you got greedy running around in your ugly green. Nah! You are not winning this Australian Open. God don’t like ugly. Safina, you would rise again. I am on your side. Kim, you all kind of Joan Crawford for that.

Another Chernobyl disaster. It's all in my head... it's all in my head.

Kimmie was working like a surgeon out there in her scrubs

Wait! Am I coming or am I going? I just got on this court a few minutes ago

Vera Zvonareva also easily dispatched her opponent 6-2 6-1 as did Sam Stosur 6-1 6-1. Other winners include Fivehead Jankovic who was coming off a 5 match losing streak, Shahar Peer of Israel, Maria Kirilenko of Russia and her compatriots Alisa “Klondike bar” Kleybanova and Nadia Fatrova. There is a young Serbian that we need to keep our eyes on, Bojana Jovanovski (In Serb…is that a language…well anyway…the J’s like German is pronounced like a Y) She won her match and home gurl got a really nice game. I saw her playing last week in Sydney and she was giving top players all sorts of fever. Losers: Ana Ivanovic who has enjoyed a resurgence of sorts towards the end of last year, hit brick wall as she was sent packing out of another major early. She lost 8-10 in the third set. Of the 6 American women who played yesterday, they are all out of the tournament including golden gurl Melanie “Dot” Oudin. Veteran Swiss Patty Schnyder also lost. We all know Patty for her wonderful hot mess hair over the years.

Ivanovic..wait for it...the tears are coming

Gotta love the tears

Hold up…Nalbadian just got broke while serving for the 4^th set…so we might not get that 5^th set just yet.

I am putting my back into it...

On the men side…the three top players, Divadal, Lochness Monster and Robin Hood all looked to be in stellar form although Divadal and Lo Monster’s opponents all retired from their matches in the 2^nd set. However, there was no doubt about who was in supreme control of the match.

Don't worry you get $20K for the effort

Jo-Willie Tsonga just concluded his marathon 5-set match against the German Petzschner after being down 2 sets to love.

Baby Ali

What’s with these French men putting themselves through this much drama so early in the tournament? Beast Boy is back to his winning ways with a win over Dudi Sela of Israel. Sela who is like 5 feet and change almost looked like he was playing from the David vs. Goliath playbook as he was giving the Giant Beast Boy loads of trouble in the first set.  We are very happy to see the 2009 US Open champion back at majors. Other winners include David Ferrer of Spain, Marcos Fatdatis of Cyprus, Llodra of France (you only pronounce one L), Bernard Tomic of Australia, Marin “Praying Mantis” Cilic who took out Donald Young of the US, Jurgen Melzer (2010 French Open semi-finalist), Mikhail Youzhny (2010 US Open semi-finalist) and Thomas Bellucci of Brazil. The US had a good day with the men as John Isner, Ryan Sweeting and veteran Mike Russell all are through to the 2^nd round. GO USA!

The beast might just have been awoke

Sela doing the Selsa on court???

And we will go to the 5^th set with Nalbandian and Hewitt, which is the last match of the day. The Argentine just took the 4^th tiebreak 7-1. Nalbandian is now off the court for a potty break. So I think we are all caught up now fanz. Don’t forget to subscribe to the blog and post comments and hateration.

MIXED BAG PHOTOS

The Giantess stumbles

Lopez giving us some hottie action. I can see why Divadal was checking on this

And Nalbandian is up 5-3 in the fifth set. Hewitt to serve to stay in the match

Donald Young of the US

Look at these queens! Of all the men on tour, you go after the Monster. Disgusting. Giving all homos a bad name

Hmmmmmmm has security check this man out? BTW, was it Gay Pride Day in Australia yesterday or something? I mean these its homosexuals all over the place

He might be winning on court but he losing the hair. Time for Rogain

And Hewitt has broken Nalbandian for a 5-5 5^th set…This thing is not over…Now Nalbandian serves to stay in the match 5-6….He had two break points but he lost them….

Nalbandian keep saying Allez Allez…I don’t get it. He is from Argentina and his family is German…What’s with the French?

Or is it Olé? Nope definitely ALLEZ… Hmmmm

Nalbandian had two game points and now he is down match point….WOW home boy serves and volley and got away with it… DUECE …..

MATCH POINT #2 HEWITT… DUECE….with a nice volley…ADVANTAGE NALBANDIAN with some good groundstrokes… GAME NALBANDIAN…6-6…I am so going to be late for work this morning…

 

ADVANTAGE NALBANDIAN to go up 7-6….DUECE….DOUBLE FAULT HEWITT…ADVANTAGE ARGENTINE… DEUCE… ADVANTAGE HEWITT… Nalbandian is leaving the entire T open for Hewitt to ace him continuously.

GAME HEWITT… 8-7. Nalbandian serving to stay in the match. I am not caring about this match anymore… I think Hewitt will pull it out…I would let you know in tomorrow’s edition…

Apparently I do care… Nalbandian serves for the match 8-7…15-love Nalbandian….15-15

30-15 Nalbandian… 30-30…two points from the match from the match…MATCH POINT Nalbandian…ooooooooo…9:04…not to worry I called my boss…MATCH NALBANDIAN with a lob WOW 9-7 in the fifth set… 3-6 6-4 3-6 7-6 9-7 and there are some disgruntled Aussie fanz… Nalbandian has revenge from his 2005 quarterfinals lost to Hewitt here in Australia….WORK TIME now..

 

 

Aussie Open 2011: Day 1

We are ready! Are you??

So Day 1 has concluded at the Australian Open and in an effort not to be behind. We are going to get straight into the action. I cannot think of anything in particular I want to rant about at this moment but we all know that it does not take much to get this hater rolling. Maria was the first top lady up and she won her match 6-1 6-3 over a player who looks more like Ms. Piggy’s BFF than a player on the WTA.

Wait Ms. Piggy does play tennis too??

Nah...Ms. Piggy does keep in shape because she knows that big gurls got to be flexible if they want to keep their men...no wait their frogs

Although it was a straight set victory, Maria had ten double faults and had she been playing an opponent who was say 30 to 50 to 100 pounds lighter, she would have been out of the Australian Open for I believe a third successive year. She recently dropped her coach of ten years Michael Joyce and picked herself up a new one. Let’s see how this work for her.

Shriekapova with another bad color combination/coordination outfit. Looking like paint samples

Carolina handled herself against a Dulko who many figured could have given her issues…myself included. However, she got through. Dulko made way too many errors and the Biscuit got through 6-3 6-4. This is 15 straight 1^st round victories for her at the majors. Venus Williams aka Russ Troll Doll played what some considered to be impressive tennis on the court yesterday when she took out the Italian 6-3 6-2. However, I was not impressed at all. The serve again was unreliable though her ground game was really good. If the Russ Troll not serving well, she is as beatable as a player ranked well outside the top 100. Yeah I know she is rusty but like I said, I am not going to give myself false hope thinking she can win this title with this style of play. There is a potential 4^th round encounter between Shriekapova and Russ Troll but I am not sure if either might make it there in particular Maria. As for Doll Dress… I was not feeling it at all. The construction was totally off and it has this satinish sort of finish that I am not a fan of. Hopefully she unveils a new one for her 2^nd round match.

She gets a D for this outfit...not feeling it..but played C+ tennis

Hmmm make that a D-

Cheating Justine played Sania Mirza of India and let me just say WOW…HOLY BLOODY WOW for Sania’s forehand…as a matter of fact, the way she was hitting that thing in the first set, it was more like a tenhand. She was blistering the Belgian around the court. That ball was heavy, deep and penetrating. Cheating Justine was on her back leg like the horse she is…I get your pardon. That was a bit much. Forgive me. Anyway Mirza was showing absolutely no respect for Justine and giving it her all. Mirza use to be in the top 40, but loads of issues kept her out both professional and personal. She eventually lost the match 5-7 6-3 6-1 but hopefully, she takes away positivity from this match and we see more of her around the tour. She is a very nice change up. Hopefully she can give Russ Troll the hook up and get her some better weave from her peeps in India because Venus is having an unbeweaveable time with her head for the past 3-4 years now.

Hmmm...Justine...take off the pink bit because it isn't adding a feminine touch to your manly physique at all

Sania showing her guns and missiles

Anyway Cheating Justine is onto the 2^nd round as is Li Na/Na Li, Schiabone, Azarenka, Boynetsova, Bartoli who gave her Italian opponent double bagel 6-0 6-0, Vania King (Saw Clown), and journeywoman Jelena Dokic. Do you know that most of the women who are playing for Australia were not born in Australia, I think only Sam Stosur that comes to mind. I don’t get this. I mean this country produced Margaret Court who has 24 major titles and Yvonne Goolagon and they are struggling to find women. However, let’s consider the US, they are not in a better shape. Of the 6 American women who played yesterday, 2 won and four lost. Two of the losers were young Americans and they went out in three sets so there might be some promise…but just some. As a matter of fact, we have been hearing about their promise like forever. But you know what we say here at RFTN, “A promise is a comfort to a fool.” Anyways in the losing category, no real surprises and/or shockers but only two seeds fell of the 16 that played yesterday No17 Aravane Rezai and 28 Daniela Hantuchova. Jarmila Groth formerly of Eastern Europe or somewhere near there but who now plays for Australia also lost.

I'm ready to take on the world

To the menz…

Mr. Federer was just absolutely stellar playing his first round encounter. He won 6-1 6-1 6-3 against a very aggressive opponent, Lukas Lacko of Slovenia who a couple of weeks ago gave Divadal a 6-0 set. Mr. Federer was definitely serving notice that he should not be forgotten during this fortnight. D’Joker was also impressive and he too is serving notice that he can upset things at the top. He demolished his opponent in straight sets 6-1 6-3 6-1. Mr. Decker also won and he too looked in great form. Tomas Berdych also won as did Tommy Robredo, Gilles Simon, Richard Gasquet and Tabasco Verdasco.

I am this close to winning my first Australian Open title

As with the women, the seeded players pretty much played true to form. However, there were two upsets, that of Sam “The Grinch” Querry 18^th seed and Nikolay “Smirnoff Vodka” Davydenko 23^rd seed who both went out in the first round. There were several 5 set matches that took place on the first day, most notable, Beetlejuice and the Americans Mardy the whale as well as the Grinch. Beetlejuice was at the exit when De Baker of the Netherlands simply lost steam causing the Beetlejuice to pull through in 5 sets. See this is why I do not think that Monfils will ever win a major. Why is he battling with the likes of De Baker in the first round is unbelievable? He wastes so much precious energy instead on conserving energy for the later rounds. This was the first time in 11 5-setters that he finally won. The Grinch was just playing inconsistent throughout the match looking like someone stole his Christmas and now he is out of the Aussie Open singles. Mardy the former whale is battling illness but came back from a 2 set deficit and beat Victor Hanescu of Romania. This was a really good victory for him but I am afraid that he might not get very far as he appeared very lethargic and out of sorts on court.

The Grinch got his comeuppance and was sent packing

Anyway tomorrow, we have to look forward to Divadal’s first match on his way to his possible “Straight Slam” Mommie Dearest vs. Dinada Safina and that HUGE match up of Hewitt vs. Nalbadian…See you folks tomorrow.

MIXED BAG PHOTOS…hurray

Russ Troll Doll

How can I not hate on Venus when she is taking hair style tips from this??

 

Hotties…

Hate the outfit but it is showing off her best assets on the court

There we have it.. showing those Danish butter biscuits (NB biscuits are called cookies in America)

Yeah I work out... look at my guns...more like pistols but still dangerous (Frank Dancevic of Canada)

Hola...Me llamo Fernando Tabasco Verdasco y yo soy muy caliente

NOTTIE…

Without fail, it has to be Beetlejuice

2011 has not made this Beetlejuice any easier to swallow

Oooooooo even from this angle..scary

OTHER PICS

Oracene! Oracene channeling her inner lioness

I dare anyone to tell me that they don't look alike

It isn't a major unless the ladies are crying...Daniela being the first

Oooooo look at the kiddies..Hmmm I wonder where the Aborigine children are? Probably in the back out of shot

High Kick!!

Gosh I really hope that ball boy comes back quickly with the toilet paper

Trying to keep it cool

WOW...you gotta respect this homegurl

Just a bit much...just a tiny bit